to report an out-of-school incident to school (straw, camel, back)

[siiiiiiiiigh]

7 year old DS has ongoing ishoos with an aggressive kid in the class.

Every class has a "rough kid" and this one's a corker - but the nipping/hair pulling/tripping up/extorting snack/scrumpling work/name calling and occasional punch aren't things meted out only to my son - anyone within reach gets a bit of a dunt from this little sod boy, so I don't consider this an an actual bullying situation.

Certainly, my kid doesn't consider himself as being bullied.

Two days ago, at after school football (run by parents), 2 dads in charge of 30 kids (usually more of adults, but there are lots of adults around as parents helping, the whole park is full of kids and parents. But, certainly, they were stretched)

Difficult child picks up a temporary goal post, whacks mine over the head with it and runs off laughing.

Volunteer coaches make him sit out for the rest of the game, fair enough.

Two days later, my kid is still complaining of dizziness, ringing in ears and headache - he's got a fecking mild concussion!

Prior to this I've told my son to just keep away from the other ghastly child, tell the teacher if there's punching etc - mostly been leaving him to figure it out, he needs to learn how to deal with folk who just aren't very nice.

But, this is a worry, I feel like it's no longer just playground stuff.

So, AIBU to report this to school and request that they keep my son away from this wee sod?

Or, should I speak to his parents? Who are very nice, but, effectively, useless at disciplining their precious prince.

Never had to deal with this - a guide to the etiquette would be very handy.

x

Wow, this is really helpful!

First up confession - he had a lump on his head afterwards which I iced, then put him to bed. I wasn't surprised he had a headache the following day, but gave him some calpol and sent him to school assuming that he was just a bit attention seeking.

It wasn't until he said that he'd been given a warning card for messing up Important Art Work that I realised he had a hand tremor.

And, yep, saw GP - he's got a very slight concussion. So, he's ok, just a bit tired and needs to be cosseted a wee bit - hopefully for only a few days.

Part of cosseting is sending him to school, this kid has already missed half his schooling this year because of his asthma drama. Thus the football and me trying not to draw more attention to his wheezy wee self.

I agree with the general opnion - if it were MY kid I'd want to know. And, things escalate.

Wee Thug is well known to the headmistress, and, I have to say, they do a fairly good job of managing bad behaviour. Lots of time outs, lots of losing privilege, lots of discussion with parents - but, ultimately, the child lacks discipline at home.

Jeezo, he's punched ME whilst I was watching him for his mum for five minutes. I told him off for whacking a wee one, he swung at me and so I held him by the scruff of his neck until his mother came back. Her reaction was disappointing "oh dear, Precious Prince, that's not a nice way to behave"

Wasn't even made to say sorry.

I do wonder where the kernel of mean-ness will lead for him.

I'm friendly with the volunteer coaches (who also make Wee Thug sit out, so they do what they can. and, he's been banned for 3 weeks in the past. But, they are ultimately powerless) and will tell them, and I'll have a quiet word with the teacher tomorrow.

And resist the urge to kick the wee sod in the shins when I see him next.

I also second the notion that if the parents don't do it, the coaches and school CAN'T do it, then I'd have a Direct Chat with the kid himself and suggest he backs off in a Stern Voice.

Burning - that's awful. Hope you get discharged and all is restored to normal soon.

The school need to know because keeping the kids separate is important. The parents need to know because concussion is worrying. Really feel for you.

why are the coaches powerless , dangerous conduct after a first warning is surely an exclusion ? Could he have a SEN ?

Well, I think they are powerless as I'm not sure there will be a policy in place about discipline with the kids. Though, there must be something. I'll ask. I don't want them to feel I'm not happy with what they are doing - I'm not about to volunteer to take over so I'm not going to criticise!

They have excluded the child for a number of weeks before, and the parents bring him back every time. TBH, if my kid was excluded more than once for aggressive behaviour I'd be too mortified/furious with him to take him back!

He might have SEN. He's unable to sit, lacks any sort of empathy, doesn't follow instructions and has a violent reaction to not getting his own way.

So, I'm wary of assuming that he's just a little shit. Though, I need to talk to myself as a grown up in order to bear that in mind.

Even if he has SEN he can't go around hitting kids over the head with the effect that they get concussion (and yes, I have an SEN kid, with autism). He needs some appropriate support if so. If he does have SEN poor boy is being funnelled off and judged as naughty and school seem to be approaching him very punitively and judging his parents as sole cause. Maybe when you notify school - as you must, in your son's health interests - you could say something vague like 'from the way it was reported it was very much out of the blue, he wasn't being aggressive because he was arguing or fighting with my DS, it was almost more of an impulse with no thought to consequences...almost like an ADHD type response...' and leave it hanging?

Sleep, that is great. I have no idea whether or not this kid has needs - but, I am reluctant to seem like I am stamping my foot.

what I want is for the kids to have fun. Unfortunately, this particular kid spoils all their fun, all the time.

And, I do get that lots of parents with SEN kids prefer not to have a diagnosis bandied about and have their family defined by it. It's none of my business whether or not the kid has issues with controlling himself - but, if that's the case, his family might find more sympathy is available from the kids and parents.

At the moment, everyone just treats him warily.

I'll learn your smashing line off by heart, thanks very much.

I don't want to be alarmist- but are you sure you don't need to get a referral to the hospital if he's got a hand tremor?

Well, he's ticking along ok and it's not getting worse. He gets a tremor as a side effect from some of his meds for the stooped wheeze anyway - so I'm not altogether convinced that it's a neuro sign.

But, thanks, that's a good point. I am watching him and promise to whip him up to A+E if there's anything at all...am just trying Very Hard to avoid hospital as he's been there such a lot.

Might go and give my crap mum award a bit of a buff before bed...

I would mention it to the school, no harm in that and they can keep an eye on the situation or even on your son to make sure he's ok with his concussion. I think the bigger task is talking to the parents and telling them what a little shit oops sorry telling them whats happening and can they address it.

I think you've been remarkably controlled and sensible about the whole issue but there comes a point when behaviour gets so bad it can't just be dismissed away as 'boys will be boys'.

It seems these days there is a reluctance to confront/tackle/question another person about there child for fear of being seen as making a fuss or a bit pfb or helicopterish but why should the victim be the one embarassed?

I would speak to his parents firmly about how their son is ruining everyones fun, why should everyone walk around warily or miss out? They might be nice but they are being crap at worse, ignorant at best.
Worth a mention to the school too, just for keeping an eye out as if he does show a complete lack of empathy it is a serious worry.

I unfortunately say this as someone who's Ds had 2 serious hospital visits due to another child and the 3rd incident he tried to actually stab him. My Ds is 3.5 btw And I was too damned polite to confront anyone at first, It's took ages to deal with the fallout of a nervy/clingy little boy and I bloody hate myself for trying to be stiff upper lip about it.

If it were a child in my class, I would like to know. I wouldn't want to be expected to deal with the situation that happened outside of school but it is useful to know.

The child now has a history of using weapons to purposefully injure - I think school should be aware of it. Imagine you didn't tell them and then he did the same to another child, but he's grown a bit and is stronger. We have children who have risk assessments in place due to violent outbursts.

Tell the school and ask the club organisers to exclude the boy who hit DS. Sounds awful!

OP have you actually taken your DS to the doctor??

You very much don't sound like a crap mum to me!

Sorry half the thread was missing and I've seen that you have - sorry

I don't think you're a crap mum but I think you're letting his previous medical problems get in the way of common sense a bit.

If my child was still showing signs or even possible signs of concussion 2 days after the injury I wouldn't hesitate to take them back to the GP or to A+E. If there's nothing to worry about it will hopefully be a fairly quick one-off visit. If you leave it and it turns out to have been something serious developing it could lead to a lot more medical involvement.

Like others I don't want to be alarmist but you just can't take chances with a possible brain injury.

Thanks for the ongoing advice, folks.

Spoke to the school office - "could you let teacher know he's got a mild concussion at hands of xyjobbie during football and can you keep them apart at playtime, or watch what goes on"

no problem

Howevah, I've decided to take it to the head. Whilst what went on wasn't in school grounds,t he team IS part of the school, and this kid is a regular "handful"

I think you are right, I am keen to keep our heads down so DS is seen as being "normal" because, that's what the aim is when living with a chronic illness....but, I don't accept that this is normal schoolboy stuff.

So, myplan is to warn the volunteer coaches.

Inform (not complain) to the volunteer coach in charge

Inform (not complain) to the head at the school.

I hve decided not to say anything to the mum. I know her fairly well, coffee and a sense of humour sort of relationship. but, I don't want to put her on the spot and "do you know what your kid did to mine?"

it's a concussion, not settling after 4 days. That's not a minor thing.

Sigh.

I am still really worried about a GP who diagnoses "mild concussion" (how, precisely?) and doesn't refer the child on. Particularly when presented with hand tremors so bad a child spoils a piece of art work. And you're now saying he still isn't better.

Honestly- ignore the asthma thing. This is a head injury which needs further investigation.

Well, diagnosis on the basis that he had a history of head injury, ringing in ears, tiredness and dizziness. Hand tremor didn't really worry to me - it's a side effect of his meds, though, usually doesn't interfere with his writing.

He's much better today. Thank goodness.

I think you should tell the school. Because that is quite a serious incident. I don't think I'd talk to the parents about it even if they are nice people.

I'd go in and see the teacher and tell her about your concerns and ask for them to be recorded. Of course you are worried another child gets hurt if this boy is allowed to continue with his agressive behaviour.

School were great. And, I feel all vindicated as there was another incident yesterday - my kid got his head stamped on...

To be honest, now I know that it's been going on at school AND footie, and I've reported it,a dn it happened again, I wouldnt' much mind if my son bopped the little jobbie one. That'd stop it.

I feel all encouraged that my kid's tolerated this and doesn't feel bullied. He's clearly more resilient than I gave him credit for!

Have made a formal complaint to school this morning. Parents to come in to discuss, cos, guess what, I'm not the first...

Did you take him to the hospital? Skip the GP, a second head injury could be serious.

I agree with CrashDoll, I know you are trying to avoid hospitals due to the astma (sp!), but a second injury in a week needs checking.

Sounds like you have it sorted. Just wanted to add that it always amazes me when people post 'it was outside of school so what can they do?' as ds's school is always very interested in their pupils misbehaving outside of school and they would certainly want to know about the situation you have described. Hope you get it sorted :)