This has been playing on my mind for a while so I'm genuinely not sure if I'm being a horrible DIL.
For background, I live with in laws and we're an Indian family. Might help for cultural views.
When DS was born I said to all grandparents they could choose what they wanted to be called. In laws didn't really pick anything so we defaulted to baa and dada (Gujarati terms that I used for my grandparents). I am mama.
In all fairness baa is quite an old fashioned term now, associated more with elderly ladies, but it was what came naturally and no other alternatives were proposed!
A couple months after DS was born, MIL kept saying to him, you're going to call me ma because it's short for grandma! We shrugged it off but she said it again a few times. DH then said no, we're sticking with baa now but she keeps persisting. I'm not entirely sure it's an innocent mistake (I.e not realising it's similar to mama) as she's once said to DS "you're my baby and I'm your mum". I think she really does want to be seen as a second mother to DS. Culturally, some grandmothers in extended families are seen as second mothers but that's largely because they do so much childcare! DH and I have done all the hard graft since DS was born and I don't really feel she's earned that title yet. If in a few years DS has a close relationship with her and does consider her another mother then that would be different.
Sometimes I feel invisible when DS is with me. We came back from a weekend at my parents and DS got a hello but I didn't! When I was with her alone later, she did ask how my parents are etc but I never get acknowledged in DS's company. Almost like my motherhood isn't acknowledged.
She is otherwise lovely and I've grown to understand her a lot after things initially being a bit turbulent with pregnancy/postnatal hormones! A lot of her quirks can be explained by some quite sad history.
Ds is coming up to 6 months and will soon be recognising people and things. It will break my heart if his first word is ma and he doesn't use it to mean me. I want to keep building my relationship with my MIL and want her to be a big part of my son's life. If anything happens to me and DH then we'd want his parents to look after DS to minimise the disruption in his life, so obviously I want them to be close.
But stuff like this just gets my back up and stops me trusting her with DS.
Am I just being precious and overreacting?
AIBU?
to think MIL wanting to be referred to as "ma" is odd?
eekazombie · 11/04/2013 10:20
Kids are funny though, they'll sometimes come up with a name all of their own.
DD2 calls my Mum "MumMum" (we guess from hearing me call her Mum. If you ask her to point Granny out, she'll point to Mum, but if you ask her "who is that?" it's always MumMum) and my Dad "Dat" (her attempt at Grandad I think). She may well change to Granny & Grandad as she gets bigger, but she may not.
My parents are rather glad DD1 did change - she called them Gammy & Gandalf for ages 
My point being, your MIL may want a particular name, but you never know what your DS may come up with especially if you prime him like my DH may or may not have done with "Gandalf"
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My MIL always refers to the dc as 'our children'. DS is currently 'our baby' when she talks about him. And I LOVE it. He is our baby, he is the product of generations of love. He is my baby too and in a way that he isn't anybody else's but he will always be our baby, a little product of how our family has grown over the years.
I think it sometimes helps to remember that the ferocity with which you adore your ds right now, is the ferocity with which your MIL has always adored her own son and magnified by years of mothering. They are seeing their babies have babies and that's a massive thing for them. My dc are privileged to be so loved.
No to ma though. No no no.
My mil is mamgu too.
My DD calls my Mum "Mam-maaaaa" - although to be fair she is trying to say Grandma. She still doesn't call me anything though! She knows I'm Mummy, if you ask her where Mummy is she points at me, but she does the same when asked to say Mummy.
She'll happily say "Daddeee" though. I think tell myself it's because I'm always there so she points because she knows where I am. Slightly annoying that she will also say "Henreee" - because that's the bloody dog's name! 
My MIL does the whole "my baby" thing, which grates royally, but I'm taking great pleasure consolation in teaching DD to pronounce MIL's preferred "Nanna" as "Nah-na" - as in "You daft (ba)nana". Simple, childish things but they keep me sane and make me chuckle to myself!
Incidentally LOVING the "Gandalf" idea - may have to give that a whirl as well, although we do regularly refer to DD as Gandalf the Grey when she's stomping around using DM's walking stick as a staff .
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