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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband and Parents don't like each other and Husband refuses to go round

64 replies

bengal38 · 10/04/2013 19:54

Abit of a long story so please bear with me everyone.

My husband supports Spurs and my sister's husband and my mum support Arsenal. About 6 years ago Arsenal beat Spurs and my sister's husband phoned up my husband to tease him about it. My husband got annoyed and phoned up my dad. My dad started to get chest pains from the stress of it all and ended up in hospital as well.

Things for the next 4 years were very tense. My husband would go round but he didn't feel very comfortable as my sister's husband would continuosly make fun of Spurs in a direct way. My mum would join in as well.

For the last 2 years though things have got even worse. My husband refuses to go round and my mum/dad refuse to come round my house. I do still go round to see my mum/dad with the children (son 12 and daughter 9).

For my dads 65th birthday he never went and nor did I as things were very tight with money and we were expected to pay for the birthday party.

My husband will go round for Christmas Day to see them but that is all he will do. My mum refuses to phone him on his birthday and refuses to buy him a present as well. My mum will also refuse to buy him a Christmas present.

I also have a younger sister whose boyfriend has proposed to her and we had a get-together to celebrate this at her boyfriend's mums house. We were all invited but my husband refused to go as he didn't want to see my mum/dad so I ended up going on my own.

Now I am worried incase he doesn't come to the engagement/wedding of my sister. He says he will but I'm worried he will change his mind at the last minute.

I have spoken to him but everytime we end up arguing. I have also sat down and spoken to my parents but they tell me not to argue with him. I get upset because they get upset and I also get upset because I don't like arguing with my husband over this.

Any help appreciated.

OP posts:
Pudgy2011 · 10/04/2013 21:19

I can't believe all of this over two really shite football teams.

OP, tell the lot of them to grow the fuck up.

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/04/2013 21:25

Pudgy2011

It sounds to me like the DH has but no one is listening.

directoroflegacy · 10/04/2013 21:31

When I was a teenager my dad stopped speaking to his mil(my gran) for the last 12 or so years of her life.
They could walk past eachother in the street and not acknowledge eachother, over 1 remark that my gran said (I wasn't witness to this).
He didn't go to her funeral either.
I remember thinking this was so sad.

Now fast forward another 10 years & my dh doesn't speak to his 2 brothers, I have nieces/nephews whose names I don't know, let alone have met- we haven't been to any family gatherings over the last 3 years.

Family eh! Sad

thistlelicker · 10/04/2013 21:32

Bigger issues in the world than arguing over football! Sad really! Poor op!

Minibird · 10/04/2013 21:37

Poor you. And what a pathetic family. Sounds to me like your mum might be the best one to help restore relations, as she joined in with the stupid football comments in the first place and continues to shun your DH on birthdays and Xmas (how rude is that? No wonder your DH wants nothing to do with her). If she and your Dad find it upsetting and does not want you to argue with him then she should take some responsibility and apologise to him properly. What kind of an example is she setting for your children?

And your sister needs to tell her DH to grow up and leave football out of the family gatherings. He sounds like an utter arse.

musicmadness · 10/04/2013 21:42

Sounds like the whole lot of them need to grow up.

Me and a friend support rival teams and half of our friendship is teasing each other about it, and there are lots of different football teams supported in my family and we tease each other all the time whenever someones team has lost or something. Was your BIL actually being nasty or was it just teasing that was taken the wrong way? From my experience there is always banter between rival fans, and that is accepted as the default by most people but there is a line you don't cross.

Either way it is stupid to let a fight over sport go on like this, they need to get a grip!

ChaoticTranquility · 10/04/2013 21:44

For once I think I agree with Boney

Things for the next 4 years were very tense. My husband would go round but he didn't feel very comfortable as my sister's husband would continuosly make fun of Spurs in a direct way. My mum would join in as well.

OP if every time you visited your in-laws they either ridiculed you or ignored you would you want to visit them?

Itsjustafleshwound · 10/04/2013 21:48

The football is just a red herring. It would be something else trivial that would have kicked it off ...

I just know that if I allowed my H to behave this disrespectful [and immature] way towards my parents our married days would be numbered. In the same way my parents would have a bit more respect for me.

The big boy pants need to be pulled out.

Itsjustafleshwound · 10/04/2013 21:49

in this ... Apologies

KansasCityOctopus · 10/04/2013 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaQueen · 10/04/2013 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits · 10/04/2013 22:12

It sounds as if they deserve each other!

EuroShaggleton · 10/04/2013 22:54

How utterly pathetic.

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/04/2013 00:00

"Everyone is very careful of what to say now in front of my husband."
Given how very inappropriate what they said in front of him in the past was (goading for a reaction), I should think so too! Your BIL and your mother are idiots. But IIRC, your mother is a bit shit all round, no?

"I have spoken to him but everytime we end up arguing. I have also sat down and spoken to my parents but they tell me not to argue with him. I get upset because they get upset and I also get upset because I don't like arguing with my husband over this."
Can you explain what you mean by 'spoken to him' here? That's a phrase that can either mean you had a conversation, or it could also mean you told him off. I'm hoping it means a conversation, but in that case I'm not clear on why it then becomes an argument. Why are you arguing with your husband? Your BIL and mother behaved like complete tits. For YEARS, at every opportunity. They are fuckwits. Your husband did extremely well to put up with being goaded for so long - I would have thrown the towel in with them far earlier. Frankly, he is quite right to refuse to go round to their house, since he is met with such inhospitable behaviour. (And IIRC, they're rather inhospitable to your children when they visit too.) Your mum and dad refusing to come round to your house - that's their choice. And they're both being tits. Your mother's behaviour where she refuses to acknowledge your husband for birthdays and Christmas - she's being a super-tit.

"Now I am worried incase he doesn't come to the engagement/wedding of my sister. He says he will but I'm worried he will change his mind at the last minute."
He's said he will go. Why would he change his mind?

The long and the short of it is that your mother and BIL behaved appallingly to your husband for a very long time, and he is entitled to call 'enough'. Your mother in particular is a pain in the arse, and you should really be backing your husband and telling your family that they are reaping what they have sown, and it is down to them to make amends. Which they won't even bother to consider, I expect.

TigerSwallowtail · 11/04/2013 00:21

No wonder your dh doesn't want to be around your family, he was constantly ridiculed for 4 years and now he just gets ignored. You should have a talk with your parents and bil & SIL and have your mother and BIL apologise to your dh. Then hopefully they can all move past this.

Don't ignore your dh's family for revenge or to prove a point though.

SirBoobAlot · 11/04/2013 00:27

Tell them all to grow the fuck up.

worridmum · 11/04/2013 00:49

this is just hypocritical if it was your PIL / OH brother taking the piss out of you for 4 years people on mumsnet would say cut them off etc dont go around for EA etc but because its a man at the reciving end of the ridcule he should just 'grow up' god its disgusting if we tell females on here whos MIL abuses / bully (same thing in my books) them to grow up we would be flamed right off the forums

OP I would ask you to walk in his shoes and imagine if you would put up with yourself and or you children being treated the same way as you DH before you condem your DH actions as tbh he seems like the most grown up one out of the lot of you as he has made the decision to take himself out of the abusive sitation but not stopped you or your children visiting. So rather then come on here and contine slagging off your OH have some respect for his feelings about being the centre of constant ridicule rather then your own feelings of his "disrepct towards your family" for refusing to go into a situation were bullying is occuring.

If my other half was as unsupporting and disrespectful of my feelings as you are towards your husdand tbh I would serously be considering the marrige as your appear to be enabling and supporting the bullies in this situation and putting your and your families feelings above your husbands.

lisianthus · 11/04/2013 01:25

"If my other half was as unsupporting and disrespectful of my feelings as you are towards your husdand tbh I would serously be considering the marrige as your appear to be enabling and supporting the bullies in this situation and putting your and your families feelings above your husbands."

^^ THIS. Start sticking up for your husband. Stop trying to think of ways to make his life worse, like treating your blameless MIL as rudely as your family are treating him.

BrummieMummie · 11/04/2013 02:27

My DB and my DSIL support "rival" teams (admittedly not quite as "rival" as Spurs and Arsenal as the teams DB and DSIL support haven't been in the same league much recently but still fierce local rivals whenever they do play each other) and my DB is about as "into" football as you could be. He has married someone who supports the rival team and apart from as an amusing anecdote in their wedding speeches it has never been an issue at all. It is just football fgs. Either your mum and DBIL are going way OTT with their goading of your DH's team or your DH is massively overreacting to teasing.

MidniteScribbler · 11/04/2013 04:34

It's football FFS. A bunch of oversized boys being paid too much money to put a ball in to a net (which they never seem to manage to do most of the time). Your DH needs to grow up. So does the rest of your family. God, I'd hate to see how they react to actual important issues.

Chottie · 11/04/2013 06:00

Do you think your DH just knows he will get lots of comments from your mum and he refuses to go round because he thinks he will just flip one day?

Please don't treat your PiL the same, you will be stooping to the same level as your DM. I do realise that to some people football is a religion, but lots of families support different team without having this sort of situation. I feel for you and DF sitting in the middle.

MammaTJ · 11/04/2013 08:02

My DP supports Spurs, his DB supports Aresenal.

They rib each other, they phone each other and give each other grief when the play each other. But it is all in fun, they are adults!!

If your DH had been more adult in his initial response to the first incident none of this would be happening. It sounds to me as though he 'went running to daddy' ie told tales on your DB when he gave him a ribbing the first time.

I have no clue what to do about it other than bang their heads together.

Refusing to visit his family in retaliation is particularly childish IMO.

You ALL need to grow up.

GruffaloAteMySocks · 11/04/2013 08:29

How old is your husband and your BIL, eleven? Knock their heads together and tell them both to grow up.

TigerSwallowtail · 11/04/2013 09:48

Great post worrid.

TheLonleyYoni · 11/04/2013 09:59

Has anyone pointed out to any of them that it is only a fucking game?

Might help them get over themselves.