to think my mum loves her pet parrot more than us 5 kids?

[MrsPeeWee]

I know. The title makes me sound mental.

My mum has 5 children. I am the oldest. I have 4 siblings aged 21, 18, 16 and 12.
We all grew up in a very dirty, moldy, 3 bedroom council house, my mum never showed any emotions towards us kids. I don't ever remember hearing her say she loved me, not once. She used to stay in bed sometimes until 5.00pm, way after we got in from school. She married my step dad when I was 6, my two sisters (21, 18) and I were born as a result of her previous relationship. She then had my youngest two siblings (16, 12) with my step dad. He hated us 3 oldest girls. We hated him.

As said before, my mums house was really quite disgusting and even to this day, is quite disgusting, despite only having two children living at home. My mum and step dad have never worked a days work in their lives.

My mum has never hurt us, but we was often not fed, I was always told I was thick, just like her. I left home to be with my (now) DH at 16. We now have a lovely life, and an amazing 5 year old DS. Steady job, etc. Except mum still manages to bring us all down. She is great one minute, offering to help, buying DS things, sweet tone. She doesn't dare cause anything to my face because shes scared DH will phone her and tell her to shut it for the 100th time . Now she slags us all off behind our backs etc.

For just under a year, shes had a pet parrot she absolutely adores. She has spent thousands of pounds of her benefits on this parrot. She spends £30 a week on luxury food for it, and lets my younger siblings starve or live off toast and cereal. She buys the bird so much - while my younger siblings walk around in rags, they both look incredibly scruffy.

Today though, I saw red.

Its the birds birthday. She has bought the bird so many presents (about 20) wrapped them up and built a huge play cage. Then I saw on FB, a huge spread of party food (normal human food) spread out and 1st birthday banners. She's throwing the fucking bird a party. She doesn't do this for my poor DSiblings. She jokes we're jealous of the bird .

She even gets fussy at her grandchildren if we go anywhere near the bird cage or if they're to loud.

Am I missing something here? or AIBU?
Am I being as pathetic as my mum thinks?

Why don't you call SS or NSPCC if she's neglecting the children

She sounds like she could be depressed (staying in bed, etc), would she be prepared to see GP?

My aunt is like this about her parrot and her dogs (but has no DC's) so you have my sympathy

I can understand how hurt & upset you must be. However, the issue is not the bird, it's your mums behaviour towards you all that is the problem. If the situation for your siblings is as you describe, then you must contact SS without delay.

YANBU. Well done for getting away and building yourself a great life. Are your youngest siblings OK though? It sounds as if your mum is verging on neglect, if not emotional abuse. It also sounds as if she may have some mental health problems. Should social services be supporting the younger kids?

I keep telling my mum she isn't providing the two children with basic care. The thought of reporting them to the SS is something I know I can't do. I honestly feel it would be the ultimate betrayal, the DC would never forgive me.

Christ. I get really annoyed by how craps my mother is as a grandmother to my daughters, while spending all her time and money on her bloody show dogs, but this is in a different league.

I am so glad you're all mentioning mental health issues. I have been saying the same thing to her for years, she won't listen. She had the worse childhood imaginable. Her sister has bi-polar depression. I have been diagnosed with clinical depression. I can see it in her. Her only response is "I don't believe in depression it all depends on how strong and weak minded you are" - so as you can gather, she never supported me when I was diagnosed.

I think if the children are neglected, you won't be the only one to have noticed

What about the school, neighbours etc?

Sooner or later someone will report it and it might as well be you and sooner

Your younger siblings might not come out of this as well as you have- neglect can cause all manner of problems as adults.

Out of interest, is the stepfather still there? Is he any better at looking after the children?

Sugar Yes, step father is still there. He's become worse as time has gone on. My younger brother (16) will soon be in prison. He's attended court 3 times now for beating people to a pulp. He's a mess. I am watching him self-distruct with absolutely no help from my parents.

My little 12 year old sister is being noticed for neglect, I can tell. She also isn't ever at school. My mother would rather stay in bed than wake my sister and see her off.

I think you are probably being too nice to her. She doesn't deserve it. Maybe she has mental problems, but to taunt you all about being jealous of this bird actually sounds rather nasty.

As for your younger siblings, I don't know what you can do - only you are fully aware of the circumstances. I guess you could be there as much as you can for the neglected younger ones, especially the 12 year old girl, but I guess that will also depend on how much energy and resources you yourself have to give.

You sound a lovely, intelligent person. I am sorry your mother sounds so unstable and unpleasant. It sounds like you are doing a grand job of building your own life in the circumstances. Perhaps also think about keeping contact to a minimum with her, as it sounds like the effect is all pretty negative.

Would it be possible for the 12 year old to live with you?

YANBU.
Spoilt bird or not this runs much deeper than that.
She is not a mother. Regardless of the possibility of mental illness you should report your concerns to social services re your younger siblings.
It may be the wake up call she needs and may prompt her to get help.
They don't even have to know you reported it.
The children may not like it being reported but they don't know any different do they? They are worried that whatever affection the do get from parents will be taken away but they have not experienced what a childhood should be.

As a PP said, could you take the 12-year-old to live with you?

Could you try and get some anger management for your younger brother?

I hate to say it, but maybe he'll be given more help in prison.

Would he consider joining the forces or anything?

Surely your mother will then eventually end up in court for never sending her child to school?