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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want this child to come on holidays with us

838 replies

arabesque · 10/04/2013 11:08

A group of girls I used to share a house with years ago have arranged to go on a reunion weekend to the West of Ireland in June. The plan was to book into a nice hotel, and spend the time relaxing, having nice meals and a few drinks and catching up and reminiscing. However, one of the group has now asked if its okay to bring her six year old daughter as her husband wants to play in a golf tournament that weekend. A child hanging around is going to completely change the tone of the holiday imho. I haven't spoken to all of the group yet but the two I have been in touch with are not too keen either.

AI (or we)BU to think of saying that we'd prefer if it was kept to adults only as it's the first time we've all been together in about ten years?

OP posts:
JenaiMorris · 10/04/2013 14:54

God I'm not saying you're horrible OP, sorry Blush

It's just that a few post the posts here seemed a bit knee-jerk.

Children can be a complete pita, but if someone really, really couldn't find cover and particularly if they rarely got out, I'd cut them some slack.

TheSecondComing · 10/04/2013 15:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shesariver · 10/04/2013 15:15

I wouldnt expect to take a child along on an adults only weekend - of course it changes the dynamic! She will just have to miss out.

LadyBeagleEyes · 10/04/2013 15:17

I wouldn't have gone if I couldn't get childcare.
Just one of these things.

dietcokeandwine · 10/04/2013 15:18

Someone asked upthread what fun it would be for a 6yo going away with adults - what do people think families with only one child do?

Umm, they do activities that are child- and family-friendly, but with just the one child, in which case child has great fun, I presume! This comment misses the point tbh. The point is, this is NOT a child and family-friendly activity. It has been designed as a girly get together, no children, adult chill-out time only, end of. Therefore it would be insanely boring for the child and incredibly irritating for everyone else to have her tagging along. Every adult is entitled to a bit of child-free time!

OP, you are so so so SO not being unreasonable, and either your friend or her DH (or possibly a bit of both) are being completely UNreasonable.

Agree with others saying not to drop gentle hints, some people are impervious to hints and I suspect she is probably one of them! I would word an email somewhere along the lines of 'oh, that's such a pain for you that your DH now wants to do the golf weekend, but no unfortunately it really isn't going to be possible for you to bring DD along. The thing is the whole point of the weekend is to have a reunion without partners and children in tow, so it wouldn't be fair to anyone, least of all DD, to have DD there. Could DH perhaps arrange some childcare for her or take her along to his golf weekend if he's adamant that he wants to go? We so hope you'll be able to join us as we're all so looking forward to catching up. But of course we will understand if you end up having to stay home with DD instead'.

I hope you all manage to get away and have a wonderful time - child free Smile

quoteunquote · 10/04/2013 15:20

doublecake

yep, so were we,

I think the problem for her was it was a gathering of friends that had been very close at one time, which she was a small part of, a group who use to spend a lot of seriously fun leisure time together, climbing, mountains mashing surfing, festivals ,

even though the point of the get away was messing about on cliffs, in sea, long walks, drinking, loud music, she was very determined to come, then didn't leave when it clearly was not the place for children.

we later found out her DH wanted to take part in a gaming weekend,

One of the group now live in NZ, another is overseas, and most of us are scattered about, with very busy lives, I doubt we will ever have the chance again.

I run a lot of family camps, group activities, I have spend nearly all of the last twenty summer (even last year)in a field by the sea, doing coastal things with a massive pack of children,

it is really annoying when people put you in the position of being the bad guy on the very rare occasion you have grabbed the chance of being child free, and decided to use that time doing something that is different, over the last twenty two years of parenting there have been years on end when we haven't had a break from children, so when we do get those chances we relish every moment.

I think it is a very mean thing to do, to even ask.

Hulababy · 10/04/2013 15:21

Someone asked upthread what fun it would be for a 6yo going away with adults - what do people think families with only one child do?

I only have one child. We have holidays and weekends away where we build in activities and things that interest us all, some for DD, some for us, some for us all.

This weekend the OP describes is different. It is an adult weekend away, where everyone else is leaving their child behind and it is geared up for adult activities, not based on the likes and interests of a 6yo.

The two scenarios are not the same at all.

Fillyjonk75 · 10/04/2013 15:22

Me too. I was the first one to have kids in my group of friends and I'd never have put them in that position.

rainbow2000 · 10/04/2013 15:28

What would you do if she still brings her dd,i would just make arrangements as you were going to do if the child isnt there.Let her entertain her child for the weekend.

If she realises this time you mean it the next time you organise something she might just have the sense to leave her dd at home.
Dont change any plans if your friend cant do the activities thatsher lookout.

Cherriesarelovely · 10/04/2013 15:32

It's very U of your friend to ask imo. I have spent several years as a single parent and would never have asked this. My dd is really quiet, sensible and grown up for a 10 year old but I still wouldn't take her ona weekend catch up where she would be the only child. I would find it irritating, she would too and all the adults would have to curtail their conversations all the time. Surely the whole point is a bit of child free time. Don't be too subtle in your email. I agree that some people will ignore a subtle message when they want to.

Original poster
arabesque · 10/04/2013 15:39

Okay the email we've agreed on is as follows:

Hi xxx

Just been talking to the others and we're really sorry that you're having trouble with childcare arrangements. Normally we would be more than happy for (dd) to come along. However, as all the other children have been told that it is a 'mums only' weekend there could be some little noses out of joint if they realise that (dd) was part of the weekend. And, obviously, if we bring the other children along we will end up spending most of the weekend entertaining them and get no chance to enjoy catching up and letting our hair down. I hope you understand.

We really really don't want you not to be there, though. It could be years before we all get together again. We're all hoping against hope that (dh) will reconsider re the tournament so you can come along for our first complete get together in ten years. It just won't be the same without you.

Obviously, if you can't you can't, but pleeese have a word with him and try and get him to reconsider. Tell him he will be making seven ladies very happy.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 10/04/2013 15:40

dietcoke's e-mail is perfect.

It's clear.

DontmindifIdo · 10/04/2013 15:42

oh x post, that's great.

Lottashakingoinon · 10/04/2013 15:45

That is a really nice email arabesque but if she is somewhat selectively obtuse she may just take this:

We really really don't want you not to be there, though

as meaning if there is no other option then we would sooner you brought DD along rather than not come. That though could be the killer word! If it were me I would start that para with We're all hoping against hope...

But good luck...I hope she gets to come along, just her!!

Original poster
arabesque · 10/04/2013 15:46

Good point Lotta. I'll reword that.

OP posts:
YellowDinosaur · 10/04/2013 15:49

YANBU.

Your email isn't bad but I dint think it's clear enough that her dd is not welcome. Personally I'd therefore change the last sentence of the first paragraph from 'i hope you understand' to'i hope you understand why this means we cannot include dd on this occasion'

Imho she is being very cheeky and unreasonable to all and I agree with the previous poster that I'd rather spend a weekend with my husband and my own children than have someone elses child, however lovely, gatecrash an adult weekend away.

YellowDinosaur · 10/04/2013 15:51

And what Lotta said.

pigsDOfly · 10/04/2013 15:53

What does your friend think is going to happen in the evenings if her 6yo is there. Is she going to stay with the child on her own while you all go out and enjoy yourselves? Are you all going to be expected to stay in and look after her child with her and therefore curtail your evenings' fun? So, no extreme sports, no swearing, no boozing, no girl talk. Blah. Doesn't sound like my idea of fun at all.

No, no, no, no, no. YA most definitely NBU. Your friend however............

Original poster
arabesque · 10/04/2013 15:54

Okay so:

Hi xxx

Just been talking to the others and we're really sorry that you're having trouble with childcare arrangements. Normally we would be more than happy for (dd) to come along. However, as all the other children have been told that it is a 'mums only' weekend there could be some little noses out of joint if they realise that (dd) was part of the weekend. And, obviously, if we bring the other children along we will end up spending most of the weekend entertaining them and get no chance to enjoy catching up and letting our hair down. I hope you understand why it wouldn't be practical to include dd on this specific weekend and aren't too disappointed.

We're all hoping against hope that, under these circumstances, (dh) will reconsider re the tournament so you can come along for our first complete get together in ten years. It just won't be the same without you.

Obviously, if you can't you can't, but pleeese have a word with him and try and get him to reconsider. Tell him he will be making seven ladies very happy.

OP posts:
Lottashakingoinon · 10/04/2013 15:54

Yes and what Dino said! Taking the two together, I don't think there can be any doubt, and the real warmth of the rest of it will soften it up...I really don't think she would have any justification in taking offence!

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 10/04/2013 15:54

YANBU at all.

Lottashakingoinon · 10/04/2013 15:56

Just one teeeeensy leeeeetle further amendmentette....would you ever consider changing practical to possible

You are clearly much nicer than me!

Original poster
arabesque · 10/04/2013 15:58

Actually, I wondered about using practical and if it really fitted. Okay, will change to possible. Thanks.

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 10/04/2013 16:00

I also think your email needs to be a bit more direct. More along the lines of 'What a shame you won't be able to come on this occasion if DH insists on play golf.' Perhaps, as someone else said, a phone call would be better. Emails are all very well, but can't convey, the way your voice can, your sense of horror at the idea of having a child at your adult only weekend.

MissLurkalot · 10/04/2013 16:04

Practical to possible. And that's it.
It's worded really well. And it's a lovely email.
Send it.