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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DD to get changed?

43 replies

LizzyMcGuire · 10/04/2013 08:11

I feel a bit mean.

She's nearly 9. She has a 'unique' sense of style. And usually I let her get on with it.

But this morning she came down with a baggy batwing pale pink t shirt and blue floral leggings. I told her that the top and leggings were lovely but that together they looked a bit like pjs.

So she went up and put on a beautiful top with butterfilies and roses. Same horrible leggings.

I must have made a face because she said, 'what?' when she came down. I explained that again, the top was beautiful but the trousers spoilt it a bit, and why didn't she put on some nice plain trousers, or a skirt.

She's stamped off upstairs now, complaining. And shouting that they DO match, they both have roses on.

I should add that her Aunt (my SIL) spoils her rotten with clothes so very few of the items in her wardrobe are things I woudl choose.

Do I just need to back off? I feel like I'm turning into my mother. But between DS1 only wanting to wear the same pair of ripped jeans and DD looking like a dodgy backing singer from the 80s I feel I need to steer them.

AIBU?

OP posts:
wigglesrock · 10/04/2013 08:16

Steer her towards what? Better fashion choices. I wouldn't worry, she's only 8. She's picking what she likes best.

I have 3 daughters - younger than yours. Some days I'm just delighted the 5 year old deigns to wear clothes Smile

Sirzy · 10/04/2013 08:18

As long as its not massively inappropriate let them wear what they want

BabyMakesTheBellyGoRound · 10/04/2013 08:20

what harm is she doing? You should see what costumes my eight year old wears.

MummyPig24 · 10/04/2013 08:20

I'd just let her wear what she likes. As long as it is weather appropriate I don't see the problem.

Alligatorpie · 10/04/2013 08:22

I gave up trying influence my strong willed daughter' dress sense when she was 4. I pick my battles.

JambalayaCodfishPie · 10/04/2013 08:24

If you're not going anywhere special, I'd just leave her to it. Smile

CSIJanner · 10/04/2013 08:26

^ What MummyPig said ^

SpottyTeacakes · 10/04/2013 08:28

I think YABU does it really natter? If dd wants to wear her lion costume that's fine by me. What will you be like when she's 15 and goes through a goth/punk stage?

LookingThroughTheFog · 10/04/2013 08:36

Save the fight for another time when it actually matters, like when you're taking her out for an event. At that point, I'd recommend saying 'Oo, can we pick your outfit together! Let's look at your lovely clothes'.

The rest of the time, let her be 'unique'. It's actually a nice thing.

(Though I feel for you - my daughter's garment of choice is a hot-pink sequinned skirt. I loathe it as much as she loves it.)

ExcuseTypos · 10/04/2013 08:40

My dd2 was the same, an "imaginative" dresser. I just let her get on with it. Unless she's underdressed I think it can really affect their confidence if someone is constantly telling a child that their clothes choice isn't good and making them change.

Dd is 19 now, she has a fantastic sense of style, and often gets comments on it. It's part of who she is, so I'm glad I didn't squash it!

floatyflo · 10/04/2013 10:05

Wow. My second Biscuit in two days Hmm

edwardsmum11 · 10/04/2013 10:08

Leave her alone... yabu

MadBraLady · 10/04/2013 10:13

a baggy batwing pale pink t shirt and blue floral leggings

Sounds very much like some of the funkier 18/19 year olds I see every day dress TBH. She'll have years and years and fucking years to wear matchy, stylish, don't-frighten-the-horses things from Jigsaw. If you can't have fun with clothes when you're eight, when can you.

AMumInScotland · 10/04/2013 10:16

I think you need to think about why this bothers you. Do you think people will judge your parenting abilities, or your stylishness, on the basis of what your 8-year-old wears? Do you think people will be juding her harshly for looking like an 8-year-old and not an adult?

What harm does it do to you or her (in your imagination) if you let her go out of the house in a set of clothes that don't go together very well from an adult perspective?

I don't think you should "steer" her to change from her own taste to yours. That is a way of telling her that she just isn't good enough, that her preferences are less valid and less valuable than yours.

Maybe that's what your mother did, and you now lack confidence to be your own person? If you feel you are "turning into your mother" then that's what I think is at play here. Take a deep breath, recognise that this is about delaing with your own insecurity, and let her wear what she wants.

The only times I think its reasonable to intervene is if the clothes are massively wrong for the weather, or for a limited range of situations like funerals where a certain amount of conformity is probably good to not hurt other people's feelings.

Original poster
LizzyMcGuire · 10/04/2013 10:22

It doesn't really bother me most of the time. And yes, my own mother did this to me all the time so I went off and was a shaven headed, tattooed, heavily pierced grunger by the time I was sixteen.

It's just, she's so beautiful. And I do harbour fantasies of taking my beautiful well dressed only daughter out for the day instead of my beautiful-but-interestingly-attired daughter.

Sigh.

OP posts:
CrazyOldCatLady · 10/04/2013 10:23

I'd leave her to it and let her develop her own fashion sense. My mother insisted on choosing my clothes till my late teens and it led to nothing but friction and embarrassment, and it took mer most of my twenties to get up the courage to go into a clothes shop on my own!

DeskPlanner · 10/04/2013 10:24

YABU. Leave the girl and her "style" alone.

Booyhoo · 10/04/2013 10:30

why does it matter whether her clothes match? she is 8. give her the freedom now to experiment and find her own style and you will be in for a far easier ride when she is a teen.

btw. beautiful is a matter of opinion. what might look like a beautiful outfit to you might look hideaous to lots of other people. jsut let her pick her own clothes she wont come to any harm because she doesn't 'match'

Jo2508 · 10/04/2013 10:30

My dd (9 this week) is exactly the same. Sometimes her 'outfits' give me a headache or make me want to put on a pair of sunglasses - think stripes, patterns, clashing colours all in one go, but in her mind they 'go' together and she is not embarrassed to go out wearing them, so I have learnt to smile and say 'yes, that looks lovely'...
I actually like the fact that she really doesn't care how she might look to other people - I don't know how much longer that will last, so I think you should enjoy your dd's 'unique' style and take lots of photos to embarrass her when she's older!

Original poster
LizzyMcGuire · 10/04/2013 10:34

Oh by the way I am not exactly a paragon of style and grace myself, I am a vision in vest, jeans and trainers Hmm.

I woudl just like to live vicariously through my baby girl. She has a wardrobe full of pretty tops and naice trousers and insists on wearing One Direction t-shirts and jeggings

OP posts:
teaandcakesagoodmummakes · 10/04/2013 10:36

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, so we've agreed to take this down now.

MadBraLady · 10/04/2013 10:36

And I do harbour fantasies of taking my beautiful well dressed only daughter out for the day instead of my beautiful-but-interestingly-attired daughter.

God, sorry OP but that is a bit sad. I really hope she doesn't pick that up.

Added to which, I'm not sure you even understand what these clothes signify. Go and stand in Topshop Oxford Circus, you'll see dozens of teens wearing this kind of thing. It's just one form of basic young street fashion. You're talking as if she's decided to wear a suit of armour and a tweed jacket or something.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 10/04/2013 10:39

They learn in their own time besides, it is good not to be a sheep when it comes to a sense of self. Let them go with it.

lljkk · 10/04/2013 10:49

Some people will think she's all the more beautiful for being unique. :)
Hate to say, sounds like you've definitely acquired your Ma's tastes.

CambridgeBlue · 10/04/2013 10:51

I completely sympathise OP as I have similar thoughts about my DD's unique fashion choices which are totally at odds with how I'd like to see her dress, but I also agree with those who are saying let them develop their own sense of style unless it's completely inappropriate for the weather or occasion.

Confidence in how you look is so important for young girls and if they get the feeling even their Mums don't think they're good enough it's not a great start is it?

As I said, I know it's hard to back off so maybe agree that if she chooses her clothes for x occasions (eg seeing friends, parties etc) then you choose (or you pick together) for things that matter more to you such as seeing family or whatever.