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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to give money anonymously?

47 replies

blameitonthecaffeine · 09/04/2013 23:05

Some friends of ours were talking about how they are struggling financially, never seem to have enough money to reach the end of the month, are in debt etc.

They weren't talking to DH and I specifically but to a group of people from church (we were all discussing things that are worrying us atm and praying about them).

We are in a position to help them. But to give someone a substantial amount of money is socially unacceptable isn't it? In their position I would be hideously embarrassed.

So I want to put money in an envelope and put it through their door as an anonymous gift. But I also think this would make them paranoid and embarrassed around everyone they meet, helpless to either accept or refuse the money properly and just be generally awkward for them.

They have been very supportive friends to us over the years. My eldest daughter has been seriously ill and I'm not sure would be here without the unfailing support of their daughter and themselves.

I want to help but I'm worried I am being wussy, patronising and 'lady bountiful' about it. Please don't flame me, I'm not meaning to be.

WWYD?

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 09/04/2013 23:07

Ask her for 50p, say you'll go halves on a lucky dip - don't show her the ticket and tell a little white lie that you won!

LetMeAtTheWine · 09/04/2013 23:07

Could you perhaps offer them an interest free loan instead, explaining that it wouldn't have to be paid back if they didn't want to and that you are in a position to help them out as they have helped you out?

currentbuns · 09/04/2013 23:10

My mother was in a similar situation to you. One of her oldest friends was struggling financially, and my mother desperately wanted to help her but was worried about causing embarrassment or offence. In the end, she just wrote out a fairly big cheque and posted it in a thoughtfully-worded card. She made it perfectly clear that it was a gift. The friend was actually very grateful.

bookishandblondish · 09/04/2013 23:17

The fact you were in church makes it easier - you could simply say God told us.

Alternatively, I have known two people receive anonymous gifts of money (substantial for them- several months of rent) who were simply grateful. Again, the message alluded to Gods blessing. Neither ever found out who or became paranoid.

One of the notes just said to pay it forward like the film.

Interest free loan which doesn't have to be paid back - doesn't fit with the concept. I'd be unable to accept because it would add to my worry not reduce it.

Original poster
blameitonthecaffeine · 09/04/2013 23:32

Agree that the God angle could work in our favour!

Also think that the loan idea isn't going to cut it, if we do this we want it to be a gift.

OP posts:
UniS · 09/04/2013 23:34

If you thought it would be less embarrassing , how about a largish gift card for a local supermarket every now n then.

beakysmum · 09/04/2013 23:39

I am a Christian and have been in this situation a couple of times. Each time I went for money in the envelope anonymously donated. A card is a nice touch though.

The gifts have never (yet!) been traced back to me, and there has never been any awkwardness.

I would say go for it, you are probably being prompted to do it.

beakysmum · 09/04/2013 23:39

I am a Christian and have been in this situation a couple of times. Each time I went for money in the envelope anonymously donated. A card is a nice touch though.

The gifts have never (yet!) been traced back to me, and there has never been any awkwardness.

I would say go for it, you are probably being prompted to do it.

OhTheConfusion · 10/04/2013 00:08

DH and I did this for his close friends a few years ago. We knew things were tight for them after his DW had to give up her job due to depression/panic attacks but we honestly had no idea quite how bad the financial situation had got Sad. When we found out we knew they would be so embarrassed and couldn't bear for them to worry any more.

DH and I agreed that we couldn't go on a nice holiday knowing our friends were losing sleep over money. We lifted the 'holiday fund' and posted it through the door with a £50 M&S gift card and a small typed note saying the gift card had to be spent on treats only.

Almost four years later they are back on their feet both mentally and financially.

Jojobump1986 · 10/04/2013 00:23

My parents have done this in the past. They got my DH to write the envelope so they wouldn't recognise the handwriting! All done entirely anonymously & as far as I know the family have never found out who it was that kept sending them money.

It might be worth not doing anything for a week or 2 if this is a long term problem for them so they won't necessarily associate the arrival of the gift with this specific conversation. If you want to be really sneaky you could get someone you trust to post it from a different location so there would be a postmark as a decoy!

Alanna1 · 10/04/2013 01:06

I would feel really uncomfortable anonymously receiving money and permanently wonder who had sent it. I think the cheque/loan idea best with a suitably worded card saying something like how grateful you are for all the help and support they've given you / that you are grateful to God for the conversation at church showing you that you are able to thank them & offer help in this way.

LeoandBoosmum · 10/04/2013 01:51

The fact you want to give anonymously shows you want to do this for all the right reasons (a truly altruistic act!) Smile
However, I actually think it would be more meaningful for them if you wrote a card, enclosing a cheque etc Personally, I'd keep it short and sweet: We know things aren't easy for you right now and felt prompted by God to give you this 'no strings attached' gift! Please regard it as a thank you for your unfailing care and support over the years. God bless.

LeoandBoosmum · 10/04/2013 01:54

Oh, and btw, what a wonderful thing to do! Smile

LeoandBoosmum · 10/04/2013 01:58

Meant to add... If they feel overwhelmed and say they can't take it I would quote Matthew 10:8 'Freely you have received, freely give' and remind them that they may be in a position themselves to do such a thing for another person some day! Smile

sashh · 10/04/2013 04:58

Slightly different but a friend who was struggling (self employed work had dried up) and needed a professional accreditation renewing.

She received a phone call from the organisation saying someone wanted to anonymously pay her subscription and was it OK.

Maybe you could do something like that. Ask the priest/vicar/pastor/minister/whatever you call him or her and I can't think of anymore titles, to say someone from the church would like to give them some money anonymously.

I know that means someone else would know, but they can also say it is the right thing to accept.

It might also be something that could become ongoing, a sort of fund for members in need.

Lottashakingoinon · 10/04/2013 06:49

Have no advice to give that hasn't already been given but I just wanted to say, lucky licky them to have friends like you and what a spirit lifter your thread is. Smile

lougle · 10/04/2013 08:24

Could you do it through your church? In our church, the treasurer may approach someone and say 'a member wanted to offer you a financial gift anonymously' and hand the person an envelope.

lougle · 10/04/2013 08:29

The other thing to bear in mind, is that sometimes there are many people in need. Some people mention their needs a lot, while others don't feel that they should. If you were to approach your church and ask if it might be appropriate, they may have the bigger picture.

You can end up with a situation where one person gets many donations because they frequently mention their struggles, while another only privately tells the pastor they are struggling and gets nothing.

Pendipidy · 10/04/2013 08:47

Lougle-God knows about them though :-)

Original poster
blameitonthecaffeine · 10/04/2013 09:43

Thank you for sharing your stories and ideas.

We have decided to do it. Still dithering about anonymously or not. I think it probably will be, I'm really not comfortable with putting a name to it. But I like the idea of going through the church leadership.

It's a good point about there being lots of people in need though. I suppose we all do what we can don't we. I'm very aware that we are luckier than most financially and I do believe that our money is not ours to keep to ourselves but a gift we have stewardship of and responsibility for. We do a lot of selfish spending (have lots of kids, educate privately, spend a fortune on activities) and I think that, in the current climate, we need to be less grabby. We give to a lot of 'causes' but I would like to give to an individual family this time. I'm sure there are others more in need (in fact I can think of one other struggling single woman and may include her in a gift too) but, I admit, I live in an affluent area and go to an affluent church. I don't see it around much and am probably not as aware as I should be.

OP posts:
DeepRedBetty · 10/04/2013 09:51

Our church gives envelopes of money to people we know to be in need. I remember being at the home of a friend who had severe SPD (I was doing some housework and cooking for her, she could hardly move!) The treasurer and another person to the PCC came round and after they'd gone again my friend was crying with relief, in the envelope was £300, enough for new shoes for the two older girls, food, get their ancient banger through its MOT - it was wonderful.

DeepRedBetty · 10/04/2013 09:52
  • from the PCC not to the PCC.
NynaevesSister · 10/04/2013 10:00

You are lovely to do this. Go with your heart. Pay it forward is a good one. A friend was helped out by someone she knew on the basis that, when in a position to repay the money she do the same thing for someone else.

Another way to anonymously lift a burden (if they have to pay it) is to call the council and pay their council tax. Anyone can do this anonymously.

RedHelenB · 10/04/2013 10:52

I think it would be best being given from the Church even if you are the only person to donate! A friend of mine had the Church gift her some money when she needed it & she had no problems accepting it - she didn't know personally who had donated so therefore it didn't cause any embarassment.

whistleahappytune · 10/04/2013 10:58

OP, if only more people had your generous impulses! Flowers

I second what Red suggests. Approach your vicar/priest and have the money come from the church.

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