Is he able to look after the kids?

[KidsCatsandHusband]

At what stage should you just say "no" - you are not capable of looking after the kids ! - you hurt them emotionally and don't care if they get hurt physically? Does anyone have ideas as to when to take a "stand"?

Who is this person?

anyone who is harmful i would keep away from my kids - this includes emotionally

Who?
If they are getting hurt emotionally and physically, then you are right to say no. Your kids well being comes first.

Who is it?

Sorry, a bit vague - my husband of 10 years and father of kids aged 9 and nearly 3. Going thru seperation. The Mediatior for the seperation keeps saying he should have some access (he filled for interim access even though he is living in the house still! - won't leave) Son is terrified of him but at least mediation has insisted he has limited access on his own!. Just to let you know - I have never gone on any site like this before - but I have to leave the kids downstairs on a Tuesday night with the "him" and stay upstairs for 1 & 1/2 hours and really thought this forum might help. Appreciate your response, but realy want to know what you and others mights others think. Thanks a mil.

Take a stand now. You are there to protect your children.

You can try to protect them but the law massively favours the father. If it goes as far as him going to court he will almost certainly get access to them. I am going through a legal battle with my ex (10 times in court so far), and I keep getting told time and time again that it is very unusual for a father not to get contact, and there has to be bloody good reason, e.g. he is a peadophile.

Thank you creatureReports,

I feel the legal system is taking my ability to protect the kids away - my 9 year old son refuses to spend time with his father - yet I'm being told to make him! I have always protected him and our litte daughter, but feel that my son fells diserted now, because I am "making" him spend time with his father, who never wanted to in the first place. Can I also say -thank you - it really is good to talk and I really, really appreciate you support.

That's exactly how I feel too. I know damn well what is best for my kid and that's to be as far away as possible from that cretin that is her father. But the court process takes away my voice and leaves her future in the hands of solicitors that don't do their jobs properly, and judges that seem to constantly not be given important statements etc, and therefore don't really have the foggiest idea what it's all about. My advice, if you do go to court, is get CAFCASS on your side. They have really helped me out.

RocksThatIGot! - thank you - its great to know other people feel the same. Even today I've emailed my solicitor to request update - but it all seems to drag on!. but I can be sure he will ask for more money in a few weeks time!. I love my kids so much and want the best for them, but nobody seems to listen - its all about "compromise" now with the external people (solicitors,barristers.mediators) involved. My husband has money, will take me to court (I used to work upto 2010 - earned over 100k - had to leave to look after kids!) He will drain me dry! - What is the CAFSASS? I've spoken to womens aid when he was hit me before and they were very helpfull. Thanks again.

It's insane how long it can drag on for, my first court hearing was in feb 2012 and the final hearing is scheduled for the end of July this year. It's caused me so much stress and has been so time consuming. Luckily for me the case is publicly funded, as joint costs are so far in excess of 50k! I say lucky but I am stuck in a position where there is no point in me working because the legal services commission will take any money I earn as contributions, so I feel my life is on hold until this is over. Have you applied for legal aid? It has been scrapped for all cases except where there has been violence, so if you go to the police or have a previous police record of that incident, then you should be able to get legal aid.

CAFCASS is a body of social workers who are involved in every court case involving children, they have to do a report which takes into account what is best for the children, from the children's point of view. They have been a god send for me, though I have read a lot of other negative stuff about them. They seem to be the only ones who appreciate what a disaster it would be for my dd to see her dad, and the good thing is that the judge will go with their decision 99% of the time.

Hi kids.
I am sorry you are having such an awful time.
The divorce/separation/legal sections on here might be better for getting some really sound advice.
I would speak to your lawyer about distress being caused to your son by contact, also your gp so they are aware.

Thanks a mil especially RTIG - never knew that I could get help over the internet like this - thanks a mil to all - the 9 year old asleep now aswell = relieve of another day gone, locked in the bedroom with the two kids, for fear of what he will do!!! Would love to talk again. love to know I'm not alone in this voyage and would love any advise and shared knowlodge of what is best way to deal with the system/way forward for me and the kids. thanks again

So sad for you. Could you try and get a Court Order for him to move out based on the fact that he is threat to you and children if you are scared of what he might do? It sounds like you are a prisoner in your own house. You are right to not move out of the family home as you have the right to stay there since it would be the family home and he should be the one moving out if you are the one with full custody of children. Lots of information on some council website for how to go about divorce, child custody, best of luck!

Thanks again to every one,

I appreciate the sound advice from everyone -whenitrainsitspours - you are so right but - but the solicitors are saying that because I having a barring order from the district court, the circuit court will not grant a barring order until the full case is concluded. Sick0fants - I've looked there and it is very practical advise but doesn't seem to represent reality on the ground. RocksthatIGot - I can't get legal aid until he leaves the house so they say - caught between a rock and a hard place!

Can I ask for advise again please - my husband is still here in the house and things are worse than ever - solicitor assures me it will be only 3 months until the separation agreement is finished. However, I have just found out that my husband was showing our 2 and a half year old to feed ball bearings (- 9 year old's magnetix set, which he deliberately got out of a drawer she could not reach!) to her teddy bears and putting the ball bearings on the floor in our sons bedroom for the last three nights where she would find them coming to bed. I have told my solicitor, who says the court would not act on it as there is much more horrific things happening to kids out there - has anyone advise on this situation???

Have you asked for your topic to be moved to the relationships part of mumsnet? You may get more responses and probably more knowledgeable people there! Sorry I can't offer any advice but am thinking of you :( x