or is DH re: disciplining our 4yr old DS??

[limetictacs]

So my DH comes home from work at lunchtimes, by which point I've been dealing with our almost 4 yr old all morning. I am heavily pregnant and suffering badly with SPD so that's hard enough, but DS is going through a difficult stage at the moment and is being very difficult and whiny.

Today DH came home as usual and DS had been refusing to eat his lunch; DH immediately started acting exasperated (as if he'd been dealing with DS all day). He threatened DS with not being allowed to go round to his grandparents this afternoon if he didn't eat his lunch.
I'd already been saying to DS that he wouldn't been allowed a jelly if he didn't eat lunch but DH goes straight in there not considering that DS going to grandparents is the only rest I would have had and if he didn't eat his lunch (as he often doesn't anyway) I would end up having to carry through the threat. When I pointed this out DH got pissed off with me and says I'm always undermining him or words to that effect. However he often threatens with big things first (e.g. not going to grandparents) which tend to make life difficult whereas I will threaten something smaller (not getting a jelly) that has the same effect without making our lives difficult as well.

Anyway he's now gone back to work after making lunchtime very stressful and DS has not eaten his lunch as I knew would happen. AIBU here or is DH?? I do expect DH to come back from work and help me out, I also understand that DS is being especially difficult, but acting fed up immediately as if he's dealt with it all day pisses me off. Sorry for the long rant if you've managed to read this far.

"I do try not to say if I disagree with DH in front of DS as then he would play us off against each other but sometimes you can't help but let it be known you don't agree"

I'm not surprised this leads to arguments - surely anyone would be able to avoid showing a 4-year-old DS that they disagree with his father in front of him. Whether or not you agree with his parenting, or indeed he with yours, is a matter for you to discuss privately. One parent should never undermine the other in front of the child, and you need to have a serious discussion with your DH rather than passively-aggressively showing that you disagree with him in front of your DS. Don't let your marital arguments spill over to affect your DS.

SybilRamkin I'm not sure if you meant that to be helpful but you come across quite condescending and it seems you have leapt to a lot of conclusions. Perhaps it is just your style of writing which seems quite blunt and derisive, regardless, I do not undermine DH in front of DS.

We never discuss issues regarding DS in front of him, however I do believe children pick up on certain things. At the end of the day we are all human and there are occasions where a child will see their parents disagree (I would like to stress we do not raise our voices or swear) or experience negative emotions. Far from being a bad thing I think this is healthy and actually allows children to experience and understand relationships.

Unfortunately DH and I haven't been on the same page regarding this area however we generally agree on most things and fundamentally we agree on this issue re discipline however we need to discuss ways to implement it properly.

Maybe when you have your chat you could suggest that you let your DH know before be gets in, or as soon as he gets in, if there heave been any problems that day.

So if you have already got to the stage by lunchtime that you have had to threaten no jelly, then it is also your part of the deal to make sure that your DH knows that before he has time with ds. Then his part of the deal could be that he will always back you up on whatever you have said (even if he disagrees - that can be discussed later) so that you are providing a united front, which in turn helps your ds to feel more secure because he will know where he stands.

The book 'toddler taming' was invaluable to me when mine were little. Get your DH to read it!

My DS was also a nightmare re food, at that age the reverse psychology approach worked a treat. 'I bet you can't eat that sandwich all up'

(I know you didn't ask for advice about your son and his eating habits! but I kinda used these techniques to teach my DH how to deal with DS without DH realising it )