Justaregularcat · 08/04/2013 18:05
Ok, I probably am. Being unreasonable, that is. At least a bit. But anyway, here goes.
My Son (14) has two best friends (twins) that he's been friends with since Reception. The problem is, myself and my Husband really don't like them... Our Son is very easily led (I know that sounds a bit "not my child", but really, he is.) And these two boys have got him into trouble at school, and out, on many an occasion. The teachers at their school don't have a good word to say about the twins and say that our Son would flourish much better away from their company.
In an ideal world, he wouldn't have anything to do with them, but I know that I have to accept that I can't stop him seeing them completely. For starters, I can't control what happens when they're at school. He's always asking me if they can come round to the house, and I always say no, as I just don't want them here, and he can see them at school and at the park and so on. The reasons I don't like them is that they are trouble at school, have no work ethic, just want to mess about, are sneaky and un-trustworthy and just aren't a good influence on my Son. Their parents don't seem bothered what they get up to. They let the twins mix with boys that are REALLY bad news - even my Son doesn't want to mix with some of these other boys. The twins seem to have no guidance at all.
Myself and my Husband have spoken to our Son at length about making other friendships, spending time with other friends, and he does have a couple of other friends that are nice boys, but never wants to spend much time with them, he just seems completely obsessed with these twins.
The real issue is the having them over to the house thing, as he's always asking and I always say no, as being perfectly honest, I just can't stand them. I feel a bit bad though, on one hand I think I have to relent to some extent and accept that they're his friends and he should be able to have them over, but on the other hand I feel that I should stick to my guns. My Son is old enough to see these boys, if that's what he chooses and won't take my advice, away from the house.
What would you do? Anyone in a similar situation? It really pisses me off and is causing many arguments at home.
tripecity · 08/04/2013 18:26
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
marriedinwhiteagain · 08/04/2013 18:31
I don't know except that our ds had a friend we didn't like and was obsessed with the boy and it was a factor when we arranged for him to change schools at 8. However, even though it was a young age the friendship endured until they were about 15 when they just seemed to go their separate ways.
The only other thing I can advise is that my best friend at school was a twin and by default I had to be best friends with the twin's best friend. As a result I never truly had a best friend because twin's b/f was always here twin and the other bf felt the same too although we didn't have the chemistry to be best friends. In a funny way although never with any malice I think it was all a bit of a manipulative relationship but not nasty in any way ever - but looking back not really satisfactory and I would have been better off to have broken off with a different friend much earlier. Don't know if that makes an iota of sense.
Justaregularcat · 08/04/2013 18:37
That's true, but the thing with my Son, is give him an inch and he wants a yard, so if I say yes, he's going to want it all the time. We've already had this with him before. I know, the answer to that is to set limits.
I just find it really difficult though because of how I feel about these boys. I just get very frustrated, I wish he'd spend more time with his other friends and invite them round. He goes to other friend's houses and I say to him why don't you invite so and so back, but with the exception of one boy who he does invite occasionally, it's these two every time. He'd spend every waking hour with them if he could. I've even found it a bit of a strange friendship for three 14 year old boys, it's very intense.
I don't know, I guess we'll just have to reach a compromise and soloution.
DisorganisednotDysfunctional · 08/04/2013 20:11
Not having them in your house was a bit unwise, IMO. It may be too late now -- the boys know you violently disapprove of them. But it's worth a go. Have them round. See how it works. You may find you like them when you know them. Or at least work out why your DS likes them.
I've warmly welcomed all my DSs' friends, and it's been a good plan. The nice ones soon became really comfy, and the ones who were trouble sorta looked "out of place" in my laid back home and the boys got rid of them all by themselves. However, if he only really has 2 friends, it's a bit tricky.
Perhaps the idea of a hobby they can't share is a good one. Something a bit exciting - rock climbing - to catch his attention?
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 08/04/2013 21:06
Also OP....just like to add, my best friend at this age had a Dad who was CONVINCED I was a bad lot...my friend was excellent at acting like the angel she was not.
She was a full on horror...all of our adventures were of her making...try telling that to her Dad though! No way would he believe his little girl could be a naughty bugger.
Justaregularcat · 09/04/2013 13:35
Hi Just got back to this.
I have encouraged my Son a lot with different activities but he never sticks at anything, he's quite lazy by nature, so is never interested in taking up new things.
Yes, I know the twins well. I was out for a few hours yesterday afternoon, got home and one of them was here, I didn't know anything about it. Anyway, I let it go. They were playing PS3 when the twin yelled loudly at the game "You f*ing c**t. In full earshot of me, not giving a crap that I could hear him.
Kind of see why I don't want my Son mixing with them?
mrsjay · 09/04/2013 13:40
id have the twins at home where you can keep an eye on them all and not up the park where you can't see what they are up to you can tell them off for swearing and being a pain in the bum you know you don't have to put up with it, and tbh a lot of teens swear your son is probbaly a bit to wise to do it in front of you thats all ,
Backtobedlam · 09/04/2013 13:51
My parents disapproved of one if my friends at that age and did everything they could to encourage other friendships/keep us apart. It kind of made me want to hang out with her even more and we used to sneak out together! We're still good friends in our 30's and my parents still don't approve.
thegreylady · 09/04/2013 14:04
I would much rather he had the boys at home rather than seeing them elsewhere.That isn't 'giving him an inch' it is taking the initiative yourself as you can monitor what goes on in your home much better than in a park or anywhere else.In addition there would be no other 'undesirable' extras in your house.
Justaregularcat · 09/04/2013 16:41
Yeah I guess having them here is preferable to them running amok outside, it's just that I really struggle with the idea of having them here as I dislike them so intensely!
I know teenagers swear (I have a 17 yo Daughter and a 13 yo Son too) but it was just the way he said it, and the blatant disregard for me being in earshot. Total lack of respect. It just strengthens my resolve even more.
Some of you have kind of suggested that I'm painting my Son to be a little angel, but I'll be the first to admit he's not. As I said in my OP, I know it all sounds a bit "couldn't possibly be my child" but honestly, he's not like them and they genuinely are a bad influence on him. The teachers at school have confirmed that.
I think this is one of those situations where I've got to do what I feel is right for my Son, and I genuinely believe that encouraging him to spend less time with the twins, and more time with other boys is the right thing to do. Also encouraging him to see them for what they really are. As I say to him, I haven't got to the age of 39 without being able to see people for what they really are and being a good judge of who are good people to be around and who are not. I just hope that he starts taking at least some of my advice soon. He sees more than enough of them at school, and that's more than enough for me.
DisorganisednotDysfunctional · 10/04/2013 13:51
From your last post, OP, it seems you didn't want advice. You wanted agreement. You're re-stating your original position, strengthening your resolve to break up the friendship or at least minimise your DS's contact with the twins.
I think you're being unwise. If you believe that telling your DS
I haven't got to the age of 39 without being able to see people for what they really are and being a good judge of who are good people to be around and who are not
is likely to change his views, you know a lot less about psychology than you think. Nothing is more likely to strengthen the friendship than this sort of statement.
Looks as if you may be headed for trouble. OK, they're not Romeo & Juliet, but trying to bust up teenage loyalties tends to end in tears.
Justaregularcat · 10/04/2013 17:54
Um, I don't remember saying that I know anything about Psycology....
Anyway, you're right, I didn't want advice as such, more shared experiences, contact with people in similar situations etc.
I just want what's best for my Son, and I firmly believe that trying to limit his time with the twins is best for him. I don't expect everyone to agree with me. The thing with posting about things like this on these sort of sites is that people would have to know the boys personally, but of course that's not possible. I know I can't break up the friendship completely, but I'm going to stick to my guns re: encouraging him to limit his time with them. Rightly or wrongly, I've got to follow my instincts or I may well end up regretting it.
DisorganisednotDysfunctional · 10/04/2013 18:49
I don't remember saying that I know anything about Psycology....
Sorry, OP, but surely making the statement that you're able to see people for what they really are and that you're a good judge of who are good people to be around and who are not suggests you're confident in your knowledge of human psychology?
But I'd say using such a statement to a teenager to condemn his oldest and closest friends is poor psychology and, as such, likely to blow up in your face.
As for limiting his time with the twins, I wish you luck. Bear in mind that he's getting older all the time, and your capacity to limit his friendships grows less all the time too.
cory · 10/04/2013 22:19
Agree with other posters. Your son is 14, in 4 years time he will be an adult, you simply cannot hope to exercise the kind of control over his friendships that you could when he was 4.
Besides, if he does not learn soon that he is responsible for his own career choices, work ethic, behaviour, it won't matter much if you break up this particular friendship: with an attitude like this, he won't be safe in the adult world anyway.
You say yourself that your son is lazy and never sticks to anything. He needs to learn that this is a choice that he is making and that he, and nobody else, will have to pay the consequences. It has nothing to do with his friends.
OhLori · 10/04/2013 23:51
Well OP, personally, I wouldn't want teenage children I considered bad influences in my house. After all, its your house, and if you don't approve of some of your son's friends, I think its better to keep those boundaries. Ultimately, you're the boss, and he can be the boss when he leaves home! His friends calling out you fing c in full earshot of you is totally disrespectful. If it were me, I would have asked him to leave (honestly). I am curious, did your son not think that was disrespectful too? Do you have discussions about that kind of thing e.g. what he thinks.
So I think you are right to discourage such friendships, though I honestly have no idea how you can do this if this friendship is "intense" as you say. You may just have to be clear about your own boundaries, and if he crosses them, he will have to deal with that.
Have you any idea why your son has chosen these friends? That might help you to decide what to do.
Justaregularcat · 11/04/2013 15:40
Thank You OhLori.
Yes, I did speak to my Son about the twin swearing like that, and he said it 'just slipped out.' But knowing these two as I do, it will be language that they use regularly. I'm glad somebody agrees with me. Sometimes in life you've just got to do what you feel is right, and this is one of those times. I'm fighting a bit of a losing battle anyway, as my Son clearly has no intention of limiting time spent with these twins, so all I can do is prevent them coming to the house, as I'm doing. I don't like them and I don't want them in my home. End of.
The reason he's chosen these friends, well, the friendship was formed in Reception, so it is a tough one to deal with.
Disorganised, I think you're over analysing the whole Psycology thing, I was merely saying that at my age I'm a pretty good judge of character and have had experiences dealing with different people that I would hope my Son can learn from and take my advice.
He's quite immature for 14, so maybe as he matures a bit, the friendship will blow itself out anyway. We'll see.
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