Getting mad that everyone favors nephew and my son is pushed out!!!

[shellandkai]

Ok my partners nephew lives with his gran on his mums side as he got taken off his mum when he was young as for my brother in law he's in prison until sometime this year, but he's not always lived with his gran but he's always been favored over my son . My sons nan has slagged my son off saying he's a horrible child etc. my sons 1st birthday they all came for a party but he got 1 card off 1 of them no present or card off any of the rest and didn't on his 2nd birthday either. His cousin birthday is like 2 months after my sons and on his cousins birthday he got cards and presents off all of them! They all regularly go to visit him but hardly ever come to see my son. For Christmas my son got a £1 shop present off his aunty but his cousin got a scooter, (which she expected my partner to go halves on) but why should he when none of them bother with my son??? I should mention my nephew never goes without living with his gran and always sees him mum, it's like none of them care about my son at all it's not my sons fault he lives with me and my partner but it's unfair that they push him out!!! It gets me so mad when they come round and they call my son stupid when he does something wrong or when my sister-in-law with no kids keeps telling us were doing one thing or another wrong with my son or tries suggesting he has ADHD because hes full of energy, and gets excited when we get visitors. I'm soooo angry and sick of it? Am I being so unreasonable to be angry with them???

Sorry, I can't read that or understand the dynamics you are trying to explain.

sirboob her nephew gets spoilt from the family where as her son is almost forgotten about.

That's a shame for your son OP, do you think they maybe feel sorry for nephew? Even still, they shouldnt be treating your son so differently.

I think it's cruel to call your son stupid or suggest he has ADHD... However, perhaps people are "spoiling" the other kid because he has had such a shit life up to now? That shouldn't mean there is blatant favouritism, but try to balance it in your head with "Well it's not fair but at least my son lives with his parents".

I think they might be sort of over compensating for the wee nephew's unsavoury parents if you see what I mean

It does sound terribly annoying and unfair, I really feel for your DS

No one should be calling your son stupid, how rude

What does your partner say when they crank up the name calling and 'helpful advice'?

YANBU, that's a really horrible way they are treating your son. The lack of equality of present giving is bad enough, but to call him stupid is outrageous. My DS1 is a really lively wee guy and I have had some people say he has ADHD when he was about 2 as well, people forget that kids are lively, get excited, are loud, misbehave, that's what they do. You have to call folk on comments like that
ie we do not use the word stupid in this house.
He does not have ADHD, this is normal behaviour for a 2yr old, please don't label our son.

I agree this is quite a confusing post but think catchingmockingbirds has the gist of it.

How old if your son OP? I am guessing two or three years old?

It's a bit unfair if he is young and they think he is difficult or has AHDD because he's full of energy and gets excited.

If they dislike him for some reason [as you say partner's gran does] I would probably limit the time they spend with him anyway.

And if possible try and enjoy whatever [limited] relationship they do have with him without comparing what they buy for him vs his cousin.

I know it must be upsetting and frustrating but perhaps family are trying to compensate nephew for loss of his parents [as he was taken away from Mum and Dad is in prison I think?]

However if they are being unpleasant to your DS I wouldn't subject him to their company at all. No amount of toys can compensate a child for active dislike and nastiness anyway so he is better off shot of them.

I would not worry about the material stuff the nephew is getting, it's kind of irrelevant.

I would, however, have instant missile lock on name calling or judgement of my child. This is the real problem, nothing to do with the size or value of gifts.

Is your son also your partner's biological son, somehow your wording leaves me feeling that he isn't but I may be wrong

It is no justification for treating your son like this but, if so, some people do have a thing about 'blood relatives'

It was the relation bit that is confusing me. I'm not sure who is related to whom.

But anyway.

If they are insulting your son, and calling him names, then cut contact. You don't need to listen to it, and your son certainly doesn't.

My son is 2 years old and yes he is my partners it isn't about the value of the gifts ok maybe the pound shop gift/scooter thing got me annoyed but it's more about how they push my son out, I've also said plenty of times not to call my son names as it will limit him as he gets older, my partner is pretty much laid back and doesn't say anything although the ADHD thing did make him mad and he told his sister to stop talking about that, our son is very healthy and a normal 2 year old and if she carries on talking about it she can leave.

Stop seeing them. I wouldn't allow someone to call my children names.

Hmm so if I have understood the (rather confusing) post properly.

You have a nephew who was taken away from his Mum (presumably because Mum not capable to look after him) and his Dad is in prison.

You are complaining because said nephew gets more stuff than your own son? A poor boy who cannot have what your son has, the luxury of loving parents who can look after him.

Is this correct?

shell

I agree with stuntgirl, anyone who disparages a child like that is a NO GO in my books

If you dont feel able to be assertive with them. 1000% cut down on the time you see them

they sound nasty to be honest, and I suspect you wont be able to change them

so change how much you see them, and spend time with more positive family members

xxxx

bejeena, she has sais it not the £££££ its the emotional issue she does not like

No Bejeena she is mostly complaining about them insulting and belittling her son by calling him stupid.

And why do people feel the need to patronise the Op and harp on about the post being confusing - so what, either comment on the op's concerns or pass on by.

So you and your partner have a son.

Your bil and his partner have a son.

Bil is in prison and his partner cannot look after their son, so her mother has taken him in and he lives with her now.

You DP and BIL have family who spoil BILs son.

They don't do the same for yours.

They also call your son names.

You feel that your son is being pushed out in favour of your nephew, and insulted at the same time.

Is that right?

It's always difficult when families treat one child differently to the other. But I absolutely would not stand for the name calling.

I wouldn't get drawn into an argument about the presents, but I would call each and every one of them to task about the comments calling him stupid or suggesting he has ADHD or whatever.

That is is the issue I would really want to deal with, although if you do want to raise the imbalance in the way they are treated I wouldn't bring the value of the presents into it, just say that they don't seem as interested in your DH and didn't even bother to bring him a card to his birthday party. Leave the presents out of it.

Sorry, your DS, not your DH.

Bajeena if you read my next post I did say its not about the money it's about them pushing my son out (on his dads side he has 3 aunties and 4 uncles) and on his 2nd birthday out of all of them 1 aunty came to see him we didn't hear off anyone else from his dads side they were all told my son was having a birthday party and invited but as I said only 1 of them came, none of the rest even text or phoned. On his cousins birthdate had a party and they all turned up. As for my son having the luxury of having both parents why should my son be pushed out just because he has both parents?? Why is that my sons fault??? Why does that give anyone the right to slate my son (Who is actually clever for his age as told by the midwife and ex nursery nurse). Because my son has both parents living with him what my son deserves to what basically only have my side of the family and his mummy and daddy because he doesn't need any nice attention from his dads side because he has his mummy and daddy living with him!!!

I would tell your relatives that you aren't happy about the preferential treatment given to one nephew/ grandson over another. Having said that if they're horrid to them I'd be stopping inviting them round anyway and have very little to do with them, lower your expectations and just surround him with pleasant people.

I feel your pain OP. I know all about family leaving one child out and favouring the other. It's not nice or acceptable.

I don't think you are being unreasonable about the name calling. That's completely unacceptable.

I do think you are being a bit unreasonable about them favouring your nephew. My family blatantly did this with my daughter but my sister understood that my daughter had me and my family only, whereas her children had a dad, paternal grandparents and a whole other extended family who loved them. Overall they were still in a better position than my daughter.

Calling your son names is totally wrong.

But if they are caring for your nephew in place of his parents then of course they will treat him more like a son than a grandson- from presents to attention. That's fine, I think.

They aren't exactly caring in place of his mum and dad, he stays with his mum now every weekend, and sees her all through the week as he lives with his mums mum, see what you don't understand and what I didn't mention is before he got taken off his mum (she wasn't a bad mum to him anyway he never went without with her and still doesn't just she made some bad judgement in 1 particular person when he was 2) but when he was still living with his mum and dad they were the same then they still pushed our son out. As for the present thing he already had a scooter but my son got one for his birthday off my mum and then my partner was approached and asked to go halves with his sister for another scooter for my sons cousin, when my son got a bike for christmas off us although his cousin already had a bike again my partner was approached again and asked to go halves on a bike for my sons cousin, when most of the time birthdays and Christmas my son doesn't even get a phone call or text or anything off any of them. Why is that fair that they all show so much attention to the cousin but not to my son???? It's not fair he's 2 years old and doesn't understand but what when he's older and asks why did they go to my cousins party but not to mine? Why do they see my cousin all the time and take him for day trips but not me? Etc etc etc

That's awful Shell. Does your dp say no when asked to contribute? I hope he's saying he can't pitch in because he has his own child to support. I would also hope he tells them straight out there's no point continuing contact because his dp and child are being hurt by it.

Well I haven't found a way of stopping favouritism - It's my DN as well - trips outs, time and stuff. I can find excuses but really it?s just one of those things.

When I have tried to broach the subject or others do it?s me being awkward and sensitive.

I got hurt and upsetand angry it feels worse as its my family doing this not DH's - thsi was especially so when we were having it hard - all it did was upset me.

I try and have zero expectations and ignore it and limit contact and therefore winding up time and my DC exposure to it.

I do stamp very heavily on any derogatory stuff said about my DC - especially in front of them ? that not on full stop. Few years of that and it tends not to happen now.

As much as I love my partner he seems to be quite soft to his family so no he never said no, I get so irritated with it I really do, when my son was a baby his older brother apparently said he wanted me and my partner to break up, so when my partner gets paid he can go spend all of his money on booze etc (basically so he can use my partner) obviously there was no chance of that because we're too strong for anyone to break us up. See I'm now 14 weeks pregnant all of his family are hoping we have a girl as there is only 1 girl child in the family, and 4 boys, I'm actually really worried about this too as we do want a girl but if it's a girl we know they will try and treat her alot better than my son too. I have however told everyone that our next baby if they treat our 2 children any different then they will not be allowed to see any of our children or be allowed back in my house again! I have in the past sent one of my sister-in-laws a message having a go at her saying I'm sick of her pushing my son out etc when I did this it got passed to other family members to read apparently their mum wasn't happy with me, 1 time was really bad for me with all of them, my whole street had a street party, when it was the royal wedding, my son was on the street which I was keeping a very good eye on him making sure he didn't move from me, so I asked his mum to watch my son (all of the other kids were on the front playing too) so I could get the cakes I had made and bring them out, well when I got out my son was nowhere to be seen so I asked my partners mum where my son was she said he had gone in the house but I hadn't seen him, so I went in searching but he wasn't there by this time me and the best sister-in-law out of all of them got abit frantic running up and down the street looking for him he was nowhere to be seen anywhere, my sister -in-law ran off the street by that time and my son was in the arms of a foreign man trying to put my son in his car, my sister-in-law was shouting abuse as he wouldn't give her my son in the end she got him back and we contacted the police but all this time my partners mum his other sisters and brothers were all just stood on my front not helping us look for my son!!!! They honestly do not care about my son in the slightest and I got very mad shouting at them because of that his mum wouldn't even acknowledge me or my son in the street, apparently it was my fault I'm a rubbish mum etc this is what I mean they don't care about my son at all!