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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it may never happen for me

45 replies

Hiphopopotamus · 07/04/2013 23:50

I'm scared.

I'm 25 years old. I'm not in a relationship. I live alone, in London, with an ok job. I have an ok social life with friends I meet up with.

I've always stuck to the feminist line - 'I don't need to be in a relationship to be happy' 'I'd rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't fulfil me' 'my life would be perfectly complete without children'. And i stand by this. But I'm scared.

I want a child. I want to be in a happily married relationship. I want a partnership with someone that I can build a life with. I've even posted my hypothetical daughters name on this site to gauge an opinion!

Have I left it too late? Please, I really need some reassurance from people that were in a similar situation at 25. Is it too late? Should I have made this a priority before now?

I know this is aibu, so my aibu is this - aibu to think that marriage and a child will never happen for me?

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 07/04/2013 23:52

You're 25 and have plenty of time. I wouldn't come at this with an agenda as you never know what, or who, is around the corner.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 07/04/2013 23:52

You're 25. You have tons of time to find the right man and have babies. Please don't panic.

Flojobunny · 07/04/2013 23:54

You're 25! Come back in ten years.

thornrose · 07/04/2013 23:55

God you are far too young to panic.
I have one piece of advice, do not "settle" for someone in your panic. Believe that the right man will come along. You seriously do not need to worry yet.

mummymeister · 07/04/2013 23:56

as others have said you have bags of time OP. but if you are really concerned then you can be a bit more proactive in finding a partner - if you live in London there is a club at Covent garden for singles where you go on group activities rather than dates. try doing some new social activities to meet up with new groups of friends. I felt like you at 25, mixed things up a bit and got married at 30.

MoominmammasHandbag · 07/04/2013 23:57

Please tell me you are not serious Hipho. You are 25. You have all the time in the world you lucky cah. Seriously, at 25 I couldn't tell a good man from a bad one. Just have some fun for goodness sake.

madonnawhore · 07/04/2013 23:58

I felt exactly the same at 25. And as a result I made a spectacularly bad choice in getting back together with an abusive ex who wasted another three years of my life.

Now I'm 33 and have an amazing DP and we're trying for a baby.

I know how you feel because I've been there too. But please, please, please take it from an old timer that 25 is NO AGE AT ALL.

Your twenties are supposed to young, single and carefree. Enjoy them and please don't worry. It will happen for you when the time is right.

Right now you need to focus on doing all the things you want to do.

Ponyo73 · 08/04/2013 00:00

Dear Hip, as mum Mum would say to me and my mates, "you're still just babies"! Wish she would say that to me now but I'm 39! It will happen, lucky you! Enjoy this youth and freedom because it's so precious.

KC225 · 08/04/2013 00:00

I agree you are very young, you've got loads of time. I don't think it's a sign of weakness to admit what you want, Maybe you need to relax, put yourself out there - youcat is right, don't go in with a agenda but give men a chance. Not everyone experiences love at first sight - some relationships are a growers.

Original poster

Hiphopopotamus · 08/04/2013 00:01

I am serious - it may sound stupid, but when I was younger, I thought that by 25, I'd have everything sorted - and I totally dont!

I'm just seeing friends and relatives around me get married and settled down, and it's not like I think I'm not quite there, it's that I think I'm not even a little bit close!

It's never been a priority for me, but I almost feel like I've got left behind, and it's my own fault for not having seen it as important.

I guess I'm just panicking a little...

OP posts:

MsVestibule · 08/04/2013 00:02

I actually want to laugh out loud at the thought of a 25 yo thinking she's left it too late for marriage and kids! I was 34 when I met DH (through an online dating agency) and within 4 years, we were married and had 2 children. I know a lot of people pair up up in their 20s, but many don't.

You don't sound especially happy with your life, though, with your 'ok job and ok social life'. IMO, you need to be looking at changing your job (not as easy as it sounds, I know) and expanding your social life or developing new hobbies. One of my regrets about being single is not doing all of the things I now wish I had time for, e.g. college courses and hillwalking.

porridgewithblueberries · 08/04/2013 00:03

Hi :) I am "you", in ten years time, and it never did happen for me. I will risk the wrath of Mumsnet and say that the advice I would give to my younger self is to try and find someone now, someone you care about obviously, but it does get harder as you get older, or at least I have found this to be the case.

That said, it isn't all bad and I am planning a child alone and am very happy. But if you really think you'd like a partner then definitely look now rather than later, is all I am saying!

MerylStrop · 08/04/2013 00:07

YABU
I was in a long term relationship at 25. Which I ended at 28.
Moved cities and jobs, met the man who would be DH at 30, had DS1 at 34, (and two more kids after that, and eventually got married)
Virtually no-one I know got married before 30, and the ones that did all got divorced. The only friends who had a child before 30 got pregnant by accident.
Be happy, enjoy being young and be open to things happening in their own sweet time.

KobayashiMaru · 08/04/2013 00:08

You're 25. You're practically a foetus. Chill out, a whiff of desperation will kill any interest stone dead.

JassyRadlett · 08/04/2013 00:09

I was not paired up at all at 25, and was deeply unhappy about it as I thought I'd missed the bus. I couldn't meet anyone, felt I was rubbish at relationships, etc etc. I moved halfway across the world at 26 to where I knew nobody.

Met DH when I was 29. Married at 32, and DS came along 11 months later.

I'm honestly glad I didn't meet DH until my late 20s, I had a much better handle on who I was and what I wanted from my own life at that point.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 08/04/2013 00:12

I felt like you do at 25, really couldn't see where my life was going. Job but no career, dates but no relationship - I was really rudderless and starting to feel unhappy about that fact.

I quit my job and changed tack, and found something with more progression and satisfaction. 2 years later, as a direct result of that I met DH.
We got married 3 years later, and now have two lovely DCs. I quit work while I was on maternity leave, and now we run our own business.

You have so much time, but don't sit back and let things pass you by. If you aren't happy then change something.

KC225 · 08/04/2013 00:13

We need more information. Have you had relationships? Are you meeting men you are interested in?

beals692 · 08/04/2013 00:17

I think the average age to marry is now about 30 and a lot of women have their first babies in their 30s (or later). If all your friends are settled down and married at 25 then that's pretty unusual. If by 25, you've figured out that getting married and having children is a priority for you, that's great (a lot of people in their mid-20s - and later - don't really know what they want) but you've got plenty of time to find the right person for you (and to figure out what kind of person is right for you and how to successfully navigate relationships).

Angelico · 08/04/2013 00:17

Of course YABU. Don't be bonkers - you've loads of time to settle down.

Use this time to do all the stuff you won't be able to do when you've settled down. Ten years ago I was travelling, working abroad, partying. Now I have a DH (met in 30's) and DC and it's not quite as simple... :) Try and enjoy yourself - and have to agree desperation is quite off-putting. Really, try and relax.

colleysmill · 08/04/2013 00:19

At 24 I met a man who became an ex not as quickly as I would like history to rewrite.

I thought that was it for me at 27.

I met dh through the ex - best thing he ever did tbh. About a year after ex and I split I went on a date with now dh and 7 years on we are married with a ds. Dh was 35 at the time and MIL had given up hope of him settling down. But this only happened once I was happy in my own skin so to speak.

Initially people thought we were a bit mismatched but actually we complement each other and I see that as a strength.

Life and love often take us in directions we aren't expecting - 25 is still young enjoy it!

candodad · 08/04/2013 00:21

Don't panic and wait till it just feels right. One of my family rushed through in her teens to find the right guy and felt stuck with him for the next twenty five years. A friend if mine met someone at thirty two and is blissfully happy they waited to find the right person. Do t waste the next twenty years regreting.

kotinka · 08/04/2013 00:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenEggsAndNichts · 08/04/2013 00:35

It's said all the time, but seriously, just get out there and enjoy your life. You will find someone easier that way than by brooding or obsessing over it. The more you obsess, the more focused you get on that one thing, to the detriment of everything else. If you're enjoying your life and doing what you love, that confidence will spill over into other aspects of life, including potential relationships.

I was 25 when I decided to leave my job back home (in the US) to go travel and work in Australia for a year. I was having a wee not-midlife-crisis, had just broken up with someone useless, and was feeling that I just needed to Do Something. I met DH when I got home from that trip, purely by coincidence, doing something random. I wasn't looking for him.

My advice: accept invitations. To parties, to whatever. Don't make excuses not to go, just go. :)

kotinka · 08/04/2013 00:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenEggsAndNichts · 08/04/2013 00:41

oh and having a child with someone ties you to them in a way which no marriage license or house purchase could ever do. You can divorce, you can sell a house, but you will have to deal with the father of your child for at least 20 years, so choose wisely!

Not from personal experience but just from observations of people who don't want to 'commit' to buying a house together but have multiple children together. That's committing.

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