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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help! First pregnancy and need advice re: Aibu about in laws???

25 replies

Babycino81 · 07/04/2013 20:23

Hi,

This is my first post so bear with the essential background info! My husband works away, 6 weeks on and 6 weeks at home. My parents live 2 hours away and work full time but would drop anything if needed. DH's parents live 5 mins away and don't work (never have but still manage 5 holidays abroad a year including at least one Caribbean cruise!!)

Last time my husband was in leave, I was off work sick. They started calling every f#%*ing day. They phoned every day. This is something I have had to put up with for the 10 years together but not to this extent. However DH now saw it first hand an eventually hannd a word. Problem is, in the four weeks he's had 'a word' everything has reverted back to how it is. I have to constantly answer the phone and if I don't, she rings four or five times (house phone and mobile), text an then phone my husband in Middle East stating I have pined X amount if times and she's nt replied. I then have to deal with the 'just called round' which has not stopped. I really don't know whether it is the hormones or I am rapidly going to lose it one day ( if I do, there will be no going back, my temper is slow burning but vile).

I don't feel they're seeing if I'm ok but just checking on me because they don't have anyone or anything else to occupy themselves with (not very popular). Problem being, I want to resolve tis prior to baby arrivi g (due in sept 2013) and put boundaries in place but previous attempts haven't worked.

Sorry for rambling but I'm really keen for any in law advice to stop this becoming a problem. Xxx

OP posts:

KLou111 · 07/04/2013 20:31

I think you need another word with your dh. It's stressful enough bringing a baby into the world, never mind your in laws being there every moment of it!
They are very bored from the sounds of if, and if you feel you can't say something without them taking the hump, your hubby really needs to do the decent thing and tell them to back off!
For now, unplug the phone, turn your mobile on to silent, and don't answer the door

ImperialBlether · 07/04/2013 20:34

Do you work outside the home? If so, will you carry on working after the baby's been born? If you can, I would move far, far away!

Original poster

Babycino81 · 07/04/2013 20:38

OP posts:

Original poster

Babycino81 · 07/04/2013 20:42

Imperial - I do work outside home and am back in work now but they don't understand we're in process f moving (near my parents but arsehole buyer pulled out re:his finances) and they insisting showing DH every house 'he should buy' while excluding me from conversation which has caused almighty rows!!! Problem being, we really can't afford child are if planning to move and as much as I hate it, DH has pointed out we may have to ask PILs to childmind one/two days a week! That is my ultimate nightmare and will finish me off!

OP posts:

nicelyneurotic · 07/04/2013 20:44

I agree that you need to move, at least half an hour away.

Also agree that your DH needs to have a word as it will be unbearable when the baby arrives.

Failing that, why not say 'please could you stop calling every day, it's driving me mad and I wouldn't want us to fall out'. Say it face to face, with a big fake smile.

They sound like a complete nightmare !

Original poster

Babycino81 · 07/04/2013 20:44

I have really tried and I will have another word with him as he seems to have better understanding now he's experienced it himself.

As for ignoring phone calls etc, they will start to pester him in Middle East which causes nightmares all round and they will persist in contacting me. I shit you not, 18 phone calls in one evening which then caused her to call at my work!!!!

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mumofweeboys · 07/04/2013 20:46

Its annoying but I would be happy to have someone around. I soon will have 3 under 4 and dh works away. I do worry if something happened to me no one might realise and kids left alone.

Original poster

Babycino81 · 07/04/2013 20:47

For the past 12 months I have been ultimate bitch in sense of minimising visits to their house etc but they have no social boundaries-at all. I think moving is my only salvation!!!

OP posts:

abbyfromoz · 07/04/2013 20:49

What is wrong with her? That's nuts! I would be inclined to tell her it's not normal and she needs a hobby!

Coffeenowplease · 07/04/2013 20:52

You seem nice. Have you tried just telling her you dont like it and to stop bloody calling ? (perhaps more politely than that but personally being a bit of a bitch Id go for that)

Original poster

Babycino81 · 07/04/2013 20:52

Honestly, this is one of many things she's done. However she is very pleasant and people always think I'm being mean about her until they realise the level of harassment that ensues! It wouldn't be too bad if they called or 5 mi s and left but it is a 'sit down, be interrogated and entertain them' visit on a weekly basis'

Now that I've re read my posts I've realised that they are totally fucking mental- thanks everyone for advice!!!

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Original poster

Babycino81 · 07/04/2013 20:53

I have turned the bitch switch on several times and made other people who were there at the time very uncomfortable but she has absolutely no boundaries!!!

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cupcake78 · 07/04/2013 20:54

Honestly I'd be doing the ignoring thing! Regardless of how much shit it causes. Your dh will then have to sort them out. Speak to them once every two days and make it known "I will speak to you again on wed etc". Lock the doors and don't be in when they just turn up. Yes this is childish and does require hiding upstairs but keep doing it unless they have spoken to you and you have agreed to see/speak to them. You see them on your terms till they back off.

If they say anything to you just tell them you can't be around all the time.
You need to sort this out before baby comes otherwise your not going to get any rest time!

Coffeenowplease · 07/04/2013 20:56

Tell her that. Tell her you have boundaries and she needs to respect then else you feel upset/uncomfortable. Its true and not exactly harsh.

Id go MAD if someone did that. Not even my mum would get away with it.

cupcake78 · 07/04/2013 20:59

I hate to admit this but we don't answer our phone to the in laws, they call every night! If they keep phoning we unplug our phone and call them back a few days later on our terms.

They did used to turn up, until I 'wasn't available' every time they came. To the point i would say im going out now, i will speak to you later. They did get fed up eventually.

Original poster

Babycino81 · 07/04/2013 21:02

The only problem with ignoring thing is I've done it and fantastically blew up and caused me as DH to almost split. PILS emotionally control DH and he is slowly (very slowly) realising this so they tend to phone or email him abroad and make him feel exceptionally guilty that they're being left out etc and it causes arguments between us. Now that I'm pg, DH is aware that this can't go on but he is not confrontational so think its down to me o be DIL bitch from hell....

OP posts:

nicelyneurotic · 07/04/2013 21:10

Not wanting to talk to them everyday is NOT being DIL bitch from hell. It's being normal!

fairylightsinthespring · 07/04/2013 21:11

whatever else you do, DON"T use them for childcare. If they like to be this involved with you, they will be a total nightmare. Find a way to NOT use them - the "free" aspect of it is illusory and binds far too many people into miserable situations that can wreck family relationships. I think you have to bite the bullet and speak to them about boundaries and acceptable limits.

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 07/04/2013 21:24

Maybe spell things out to them then?

"Please stop calling and visiting so often. You're making us want to move a long way away. It would be a pity if you drove us to that, wouldn't it?"

You'll have to let dh deal with his end of it. But don't make it easier for him to give in to his mum - make sure that his easiest option is to do put his wife and child first ...

As for visits - change it so you visit them. Tell them the pg is making you too tired to be a hostess or something. If you're in their house, you can leave when you like. And make the most of being pg - announce some dreadful bodily problem that means you have to go home NOW ...

Another thing you could do is to text them immediately whenever they call you, with the same message every time - something like "I'm fine, but busy. Please stop calling".

Horsemad · 07/04/2013 21:24

FGS get your boundaries in place before the baby arrives!
This happened to me when I was first married to DH & got worse after first g/c was born
Was MIL and her parents.

Made worse by the fact we live in the same road as MIL.

Hardly see mine now thank God but it took a monumental row before they took it on board.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 07/04/2013 21:34

Ignore them and talk to them only on your terms. If they ring your DH after youve ignored them and it causes problems then it is down to him to tell them not to be so bloody stupid and selfish

You really really need to set boundaries now before the baby comes. It might seem impossible but it can be done, be firm but fair and don't let them emotionally blackmail you into anything

Don't let them in if they 'pop round' arrange times when it's convenient to you and invite them round/meet them somewhere, tell them you'd love to see them on x day and ignore any attempts to see you before that

I think you'd be mad to use them as childcare!

Original poster

Babycino81 · 07/04/2013 21:51

My feelings re: using them as childcare have been clear since before conception but it will mean giving up work but if we haven't moved, totally throwing away any chance of another mortgage. Unless I go to work for £60 a month due to extortionate nursery fees where we currently live!

Thanks for the advice everyone, will definitely be putting it onto practice with DH ASAP Xxx

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kickassangel · 07/04/2013 22:05

Can you and dh plan what you are going to do. Eg warn him that you are going to text them but not answer the phone if you are tired, and if they then try to contact him, he can give them the same response. If he's far away it must be hard for him to see what is going on. If they are used to controlling him, they are trying to get you under control before the baby arrives. How would he respond if you text him once a day with things like " she rang 18 times. I am not answering the phone." So he is more aware of what happens. Does she usually back off when he's around? Or does he just always answer so she doesn't keep bullying?

In the meantime, look at other childcare possibilities, and think about how jobs also give you things like sick pay, pensions, national insurance, not just the 60 quid take home, before thinking about giving up work. If the PIL do drive a wedge between you, can you imagine living near them, relying on child payments/benefits and the MIL trying to get control of you and baby when you're vulnerable?

Horsemad · 07/04/2013 22:16

Good post kickassangel.

Original poster

Babycino81 · 07/04/2013 22:29

Very good points Kickassangel. I have told him in the past but in all honesty, I don't think he realised how bad it was until we were both off for two months (him changing jobs and me with broken leg). However, problem being is he thinks its sorted out now so ill have to tackle it when he's home and get it sorted properly. I just don't know what it will take other than a 'Go and get f#%*!ed' which is in serious danger of becoming my only tangible response. I just do t understand why she expects me to accommodate them both. I have got the ability to make FIL feel totally uncomfortable and leave (he usually goes crying to DH but again, Dh is becoming more aware) but MIL had absolutely no social etiquette. They kept asking us to go on holiday with them for years until I blatantly said ' I don't go away with my own parents why would I want to go away with you!' To which there were wed filled with years and silence etc for a short time but I'm prepared to do it again of needs be! Reading everyone's responses, think that time has come unfortunately

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