to have expected friend to let me know if I'm meeting her for lunch tomorrow

[Murtette]

I think I may be being AIBU but I need to know as, at the moment, I'm getting really wound up about it and DP thinks its ridiculous.
By way of background - the husband of the friend in question walked out on her which was a complete shock to her & has left her devastated. Before this, I'd probably see her once a month, sometimes with her DH, sometimes just her. Whether I had DD (3.6) with me or not, friend would always bring a present for DD and, if DD was with me, make a huge fuss of DD & play with her. She was the only non-relative that DD has ever allowed to do bedtime stories. Since her DH walked out, I have tried to be as supportive as possible. Immediately after it happened, she came to stay only to leave again when she kept being woken by 5mo DS & I then drove her (with both DC) 100 miles to her parents &, obviously, 100 miles back by myself with the DC. Since then, due to the fact we don't live that close & the fact that, by the time she is home from work my DC are in bed & so I have to be at home with them (my DP often away during the week), this has mainly been over the phone. During the first few weeeks, I was often on the phone to her for a couple of hours a day, now its usually just a couple of times a week.

She called me just before Easter but I couldn't take her call (at work). I tried calling her back but missed her & we were then away over Easter & mobile coverage was very patchy. I came back to a voicemail from her & have called her twice this week but haven't heard back. I emailed her on Fri saying I was sorry not to have spoken to her but perhaps we could catch up this weekend and suggested Sunday & how about meeting for lunch. I've heard nothing. I know she's read the email as I had a read receipt. I don't know what to do tomorrow. Do I presume I'm seeing my friend & let DP do something with the DC or do we do something as a family? We were out all day today and so, whilst I was conscious I hadn't heard from her, I thought she might have left a message on the landline. She hadn't & by the time I next thought about it (bath, bed, dinner, tidying) it was 9pm so too late to call her as she's often in bed by then & I've been shouted at before for disturbing her. But then I can't call her in the morning to find out as I once called her at 10.30am on a weekend morning and got shouted at for waking her up...
Its not the first time she's left me hanging like this. A few weekends ago, she said she'd call in the morning when she woke up and we'd decide what we were going to do. She called at 1.30 to say she was just leaving and would be with us in 20 mins. This caused me all sorts of problems as I'd decided by then she'd forgotten so had told DD (who'd been looking forward to seeing her) that we'd go to the park & then we didn't go to the park & friend ignored her so DD was upset & confused and ended up being sat in front of a DVD so I could talk to my friend.

AIBU to think I should have had some indication from her by now? Or should I just accept that she's having a totally miserable time and will be completely self-absorbed?

I'd assume that, as you haven't heard anything, that you're not seeing her. If she calls you tomorrow, sound surprised and say you have plans now as she didn't return your message but if you want to see her, say she can come at x time and fit in with your plans. Don't waste a day waiting to hear from her. She sounds hard work.

I may have missed it, but how long ago did her DH walk out?

I'm only asking because if it was a few months ago I'd probably cut her some slack, if it was 18 months ago, it's possible she's got used to you being there supporting her and she's taking the piss a bit.

I would probably try to firm up the boundaries a bit.

If she hasn't got back to you then presume she's not coming and do whatever you had planned. It's not your responsibility to chase her up on what she eventually decides to do, and she shouldn't expect you to put your life on hold while she makes up her mind.

I'm not sure what to think about the 'shouting' at you bit, I don't think I'd be too chuffed with someone who was expecting a certain level of support thinking they could behave like that instead of just saying 'Is it possible for you to not call between X and X'.

It all depends on how fucked up she still is from him abandoning her.

I agree with the above advice. It is a bit odd behaviour to shout at your friends though for what seems like a pretty small issue - if she didn't want you to call past 9, maybe turn the phone off/ignore the call?

Does she have children? I'm guessing not, some of my friends without children sometimes don't realise the palaver sudden changes of plan have for childcare etc. You sound like you've been a very good friend though, she's lucky to have you & shouldn't take the piss shouting at you.

YANBU. Decide on your deadline for when you'd like a reply by, and then screen your phone calls until the time has passed.

(i.e. don't answer once you feel it's too late for her to reply)

Very good way of taking back a bit of control and setting some sort of boundary thermal.

Calling someone and telling them they're descending on you in 20 mins is unacceptable IMO, especially when you have your own family's needs to consider. I would accept this time round that she's not coming and if she does pull the 20 min stunt again she should expect to fit in with the family plans.

I agree with the other posters, It does depend on how long it has been since her H walked out on her to determine how unreasonable she is being, however you shouldn't put your life on hold because she hasn't replied. Make your own plans, go out and if you do hear from her let her know that you wasn't aware that you were meeting or tell her that she is welcome to join in with your plans.

It's a difficult one but you sound extremely supportive and she is lucky to have a friend like you.