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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think teenagers are vile creatures

43 replies

StephofArc · 07/04/2013 00:02

I know I'm probably overreacting but need a bit of a vent.

I've posted quite a bit recently about my foster DD who I took on a few weeks ago, a brief bit of background for those I haven't already bored to death with this (I do feel like I've exceeded my post limit, sorry Blush ) she's almost 16 and has just come back to school after missing almost a year. Up until a few weeks ago she was a school drop out crack addict, since then she's come back to school and gone through a detoxification programme.

Tonight she went to a house party hosted by one of the kids in her year. I hate the damn things, personally I think they're a recipe for disaster, but DFD wanted to go and she hasn't really remade any friends since going back to school, she's been working hard towards her GCSEs and I guess I stupidly thought it might do her good.

She must have been there less than an hour, I'd told her I would pick her up as I didn't want her walking home late at night (knowing the sort of thing that goes on at a lot of those parties) but she arrived home unexpectedly around an hour after she went out, went straight up to her room and refused to come out. She does this defensive act thing when she's really upset but she doesn't want me to ask her questions (I'm assuming all teenagers to that but this is my first parenting experience so not entirely sure). I tried asking her if something was wrong but couldn't get through to her.

I've since managed to get out of her that at the party, a group of the 'populars' including the girl who invited her were referring to her as 'the junkie', making foul jokes about her to her face, nasty references to now-ex boyfriend and things he's allegedly told them about her etc. She says she doesn't understand why they invited her if they just wanted to make fun of her, that she feels like she's been typecast and no matter how hard she tries to change (and she's a different child to a couple of months ago) no one takes any notice and she can't escape.

I just feel so distraught for her. Seriously tempted to have a word with the parents but I doubt that achieves anything at this age. I know it's all a part of growing up and all that, but it's so difficult seeing her upset :(

OP posts:
CadleCrap · 07/04/2013 01:23

Ah! Easter Holidays is it?
Do piss off dears.

OP, teenage girls are bitches ( as demonstrated by a couple of the posters on this thread)

DaisyDo22 · 07/04/2013 01:56

This reply has been deleted

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OkayHazel · 07/04/2013 02:10

You can see both sides of this.

Yes, what your doing with your DFD is wonderful. You seem like a phenomenal person.

But how many mothers of teenagers would be happy with a crack addict in their homes? And slightly pleases that your children did not want to be friends with one.

A blank slate isn't going to happen at this school. She will always be the junkie there. Sorry.

Original poster
StephofArc · 07/04/2013 07:54

Okayhazel yes I appreciate that, in many ways I understand it. But how the mothers feel isn't isn't the issue here- it's not the mothers who are upsetting DFD, it's the kids. Now while I do understand that perhaps they want to keep their distance given the history, I think there's a huge difference between keeping a distance and inviting her to a party, then using it as an opportunity to make nasty remarks to her face.

Quoteunquote that sums it all up perfectly, thank you, I'll be showing DFD when she surfaces :)

OP posts:
SideshoBob · 07/04/2013 07:55

Sounds like a plot off Eastenders....

Would they really give a first time foster mother who's never looked after a child before such a difficult first case?

SideshoBob · 07/04/2013 08:01

Of course I can only apologise if i'm wrong, but I just find several parts of this story odd. Only been back a few weeks and taking GCSE's this year, despite missing a year so she'll have missed half the modules? Surely a detoxification programme takes more than a few weeks as well? You don't go from addict to fine in a matter of weeks.

HollyBerryBush · 07/04/2013 08:04

Most GCSEs are linear now - modules have been phased out with the exception of applied subjects.

curableromantic · 07/04/2013 08:30

Steph I was given a school-refusing 12 year old who turned things around for himself and then found he had to deal with people and teachers who knew the old him. I'm not saying the circumstances are the same, but it seems a whole period of readjustment follows a major life change.

Perhaps you could make her feel powerful, that these girls are just an annoyance she has to shoulder, she can hold her head up and be proud of what she's done, and remind her he young life is still ahead of her.

Is she a reader? Books can be a huge refuge when you're hooked.

To the doubters: my brother and his wife were given a 15 year old with every possible issue as their first foster placement. Recovery is a lifetime, but it doesn't stop you going back to school while you're doing it.

PeppaFuckingPig · 07/04/2013 08:44

SideshowBob - I could be wrong, but as i recall from reading previous posts of the OP, she knew the foster daughter before she was placed with her.

Regardless of that though, your posts were unhelpful and if you doubt the OP then you should report to MNHQ and not cast aspersions on the thread.

pigletmania · 07/04/2013 09:21

How horrible, they invited her because they wanted to make fun of her and bully her. She might be bullied at school, have a word with the head and teachers

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 07/04/2013 09:26

Belligerent morons pop up everywhere - on MN threads and teenage parties. I prefer to call then belligerent morons because calling them utter fuckwits could get my post removed.

OP, I feel so sad for your DFD. What is heartwarming is that she fell asleep on your bed Smile. I am sure she feels safe and loved with you.

I would definitely have a word with the school about this incident.

mrsjay · 07/04/2013 09:27

the poor girlSad girls can be vile to each other I hope she is a bit better today and this hasn't set her back too much just tell her they are not worth her time and energy , and she can get back on track is she still off school next week? if not it will all blow over when she gets back

EuroShaggleton · 07/04/2013 09:47

Any chance the school could help? Maybe do some sort of assembly/project on new starts and how people can change after past mistakes. Just to make them think a bit.

mrsjay · 07/04/2013 09:51

euro high schools have assemblies and projects like that all the time, it really doesn't stop some of them for being down right mean to others sadly, teenagers are vile for self preservation they need to be seen as 'hard' or popular so they don't get picked on themselves, it is just horrible

mrsjay · 07/04/2013 09:51

I would go to the school though OP she is probably getting there too

MsAkimbo · 07/04/2013 10:31

YANBU. Your poor DFD!

It sounds like you did the right thing-listened, told her the truth (those girls are insecure; she's been through more at 16 than most go through in a lifetime and she survived it,) and were there for her.

In the end, despite all she's been through, your DFD is still a child who needs someone to care for her. Keep up the great work Smile

pinkdelight · 07/04/2013 10:54

The dance classes are a great idea. I joined a youth theatre at around her age and it was a godsend to have a separate set of more open, artsier mates of different ages. Not saying they were angels, but it does make a difference having an activity/passion in common rather than it being the general ragbag at school who can so easily resort to bitching rather dealing with their own issues. Things will also be way better at FE college, so if there's anyway she can do GCSEs there rather than in a school environment, that's definitely worth pursuing. After what she's been through, she'd be better off with peers who have a more mature attitude instead of those who cling onto the the vile playground values

Original poster
StephofArc · 07/04/2013 13:39

Sorry I didn't make it completely clear Spongebob, it's a private fostering agreement, I've known DFD for a few years but only recently become her guardian. There's an incredibly long, complicated explanation as to how this arrangement came about but I don't want to go into that on here.

Thanks to a lucky combination of IGCSE and the school pushing through coursework/CAs in year 10 she's just got a few modules to make up in May/June which means extra exams, however, a lot of the year are retaking so the only real difference is DFD only gets one shot and has to cram the revision in over a shorter period of time. She's doing really well at the moment given the circumstances, although she is taking considerably less subjects than a lot of year 11s do.

Thanks everyone for the support. I think she's OK this morning, not her usual self but she's not as upset as she was last night. She's got another week off school, yes, I've told her it's a chance to start over next term. They have a lot of new kids coming into the 6th form every year, so if she does stay at this school then she'll have a new set of people to mix in with. That's what I'm hoping, anyway.

I'll crack on with trying to find somewhere for dance classes pinkdelight, you've confirmed what I was hoping, thank you :)

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