friend said i treat DD as though she's terminally ill

[princessj29]

Later in the year we're going to Disneyland. DD, age 5, doesn't know yet and I was planning on hiring a Mickey costume for DH's friend to wear to deliver the tickets and some Disney goodies to announce the trip to DD. My friend said this 'special treatment' is ridiculous and that I treat DD like she's terminally ill by arranging things like this! I just wanted DD to have a lovely memory, that's all. She still totally believes that people dressed up are real characters and would be amazed by Mickey coming to the house. The suit only costs £10 to hire but she'll remember it forever- AIBU to think this is just a nice thing to do and that my friend was out of line?

[IslaValargeone]

I'm the product of a mother who, upon hearing the ice cream van on the street would send me out for a cone with a flake and make me watch her eat it. Or run me a bath full of very hot water and threaten to hit me if I didn't sit in it.
I can only imagine what it must be like to have a mum like the OP.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

It was ahorrinle thing to say

I do think, however, that sometimes we parents do things to fulfil our own needs. Much of the time that is OK. But what about if the childmis not grateful, what if they beome spoiled. We can't make our children's life some sort of compensation or redress for our own.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Sorrymfor typos

[WicketWoo]

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if I'm repeating something anyone else has said but as a maaahoosive Disney fan I'd warn against this. Mickey in Disney is likely to be quite different to the costume you hire (and never speaks directly to kids). My kids believe they're all real too and I think meeting a character that was different to the US versions may make them reconsider.

[PipkinsPal]

What an awful "friend". Your DD is 5 FGS, why can't you make it really special for her. Your "friend" sounds jealous. I'm going to Disney at the end of April with my 2.9 yo niece, my sister, mother and father. My sister has bought her DD a Rapunzel dress for her build-a-bear so they will be dressed the same. Enjoy this special time with your DD and ditch your "friend".

[sjupes]

Aaaw it sounds like something i'd want to do but never get round to! i'm a right lazy sod

If your own childhood blows it's quite obvious you'll try and make your dcs a bit better - making memories that are good ones whether 'natural' or orchestrated is the important part.

It's just like hiring bob the builder or a clown to a birthday party - it's to enhance the memory, tickets to disney world wow, tickets from mickey for disney world wow mum it's dead embarrassing now but ong i still love it (i'm thinking teenage years here!)

Your bitch friend may have more money than you but it seems she has a lot less heart.

[shesariver]

I think some of the po faced attitudes here are just people being a bit snobby about Disney really.

[MoominmammasHandbag]

I've posted in this vein before, but I do really hate all this choreographed "making memories" shite. It is so forced and fake and over the top.
But I can see how people who had bad childhoods can be drawn to grand gestures and not feel confident enough in their parenting. So I think what your friend said was vicious and cruel and incredibly crass, but I probably would have been doing a bit of internal eye rolling. (If that was physically possible).

[Freddiemisagreatshag]

I wouldn't have said "terminally ill" but I would have thought you were being OTT.

I've watched a friend whose child has a terminal illness and I wouldn't wish that on anyone no matter how many Disney trips they got so I'm totally about that.

But it's totally OTT to do the stuff you do, in my opinion.

[AThingInYourLife]

I think the po-faced attitudes are inspired by people who love getting offended and enjoy telling people to ditch their friends.

[Twentytotwo]

I don't like Disney. I find it weird and the marketing makes me angry. What your 'friend' said was truly spiteful. You're basically spending £10 to make the holiday seem more real to your DD. I can't see how that is OTT, but even if you were hiring a marching band and acrobats to accompany 'Micky', it still wouldn't come close to justifying that comment.

I think that the comment from the poster's Aunt (can't remember who) is very true. Spoiling children is a lot more about what you don't do, like not setting boundaries or saying no to them, than the treats you give them.

[IslaValargeone]

Think it's a bit off to suggest people who have had bad childhoods do not feel confident in their parenting.

[shesariver]

Nope, there is definitive whiff of anti-Disney on MN at times!

moomin thats quite offensive. Loving how warped it seems to me that by someone dressing up to make a child happy its "forced, fake and OTT". Some people are just miserable really.

[sjupes]

I agree with isla here - bad childhood does not mean under confident parenting i'm confused as to how that can make sense at all. People i know who have had it rough tend to be more secure in the choices they make for their children.

[MoominmammasHandbag]

I am really not trying to offend anyone here. I just have personal experience of a couple of people, who by their own admission had bad childhoods, feeling that they had to go completely over the top to make sure they were doing a good enough job.
I am talking stuff like people who never had any decent clothes as a kid, making sure their own kid has designer stuff: Tesco/Primark does not cut it for them.
And yes I can understand why people do this.

But sometimes grand gestures are just about showing off and more for the parents's benefit than the child's.

There is a reason why "Disney Dad" has become a well used phrase. Good parenting is more about putting the everyday hard miles in.

[flippinada]

I bet the OP really regrets starting this thread now.

Really, how horrible to pull to bits something that is simply meant as a nice surprise and imply she's doing it for selfish reasons, doesn't know to parent etc.

[MoominmammasHandbag]

I am not slagging the OP or her nice surprise, I am merely expressing my own opinion that grand gestures are not always what they seem.
I assume the OP started this thread because she was interested in people's opinions not because she was angling for a unilateral pat on the back. She did post in AIBU after all.

[LooseyMy]

Your friend's comment was a bit mean, but I can sort of see what she means. I'm surprised your daughter would still believe someone in a costume was real at the age of five, but children mature at different rates (my seven year old has seemed like an old man in some ways since he was born!). I know my son would say "mum what on earth are you doing" if I pulled a stunt like that.

That being said, it is nice to treat kids if you can afford it. You're doing nothing wrong and sound like a very lovely mum. Each to their own I suppose.

[flippinada]

I daresay the OP realised some people would have different opinions, but I'm sure she didn't anticipate the uninvited pop-psych analysis of her parenting techniques.

If she'd confessed something awful then I would understand the angst but all she's done is arrange a treat for her daughter and had the audacity to be hurt by an offensive comment from a friend.

Can it not simply be that she wanted to do something nice for her daughter? Not everything has an ulterior motive.

[Bogeyface]

I think I see Moomins point.

If you have had a shit childhood you may not realise that really good memories are not organised by someone else, but come from simply having a good time with Mum and Dad. If you dont have good memories of your own then perhaps the idea of Mickey Mouse delivering tickets or the "real" Easter bunny coming to the door seems like a good one. But people who had a good childhood and have good memories know that none of that stuff is needed.

The memories she will keep are of the holiday, not how she got there, because the most important thing isnt Mickey or Minnie or Donald Duck, but Mummy and Daddy. I do think that is is a self confidence thing, based on a lack of experience.

[IslaValargeone]

Nobody is saying that 'orchestrated' events are necessary to create good memories and of course many great memories come from spontaneous events and nice day to day stuff.
I think you are overthinking a one off display of extravagance.
Why anyone would feel the need to shit all over it is beyond me.

[princessj29]

Certainly didn't expect a psychological analysis based on the hire of a Micky Mouse costume! I agree with whoever said that the important things are doing what you wish you had done for you when you were a child - hence why DD has stories every night and weekend mornings in bed, why we bake every Sunday to have cakes to take in packed lunch, why she's allowed to make mud pies and get filthy in the garden digging for worms etc. I don't think a trip to Disney makes a good childhood, it's just a fun holiday. My childhood was mum trying to stab me bad, not mum making me wear primark clothes bad, for the record so I'm very secure in my parenting knowing that however I parent it cannot be worse than my own parents!

[Juniperdewdropofbrandy]

Oh princess your mum did that?

Who's psycho analysing you? Must have too much time on their hands.

My dcs have a better childhood than I did, by far. Nothing near as bad as you had though.

[Juniperdewdropofbrandy]

Oh and we once hired a limo and took the whole family out to lunch at a posh hotel. DCS were ecstatic and very young. Oldies were too. Exdh had won some money.

[MySpecialistSubjectIsMN]

I'm one of those parents who DC has had a wish granted by the Starlight Wish Foundation (y'know, cos I own one of those 'sick' kids ). Her comment is fucking disgraceful and she isnt just a shit friend but an absolute twat of a human being.

I never get the overtreating of DC's issue, Some DC's will have more than others, but as along as a parent is raising children correctly with discipline, then treats such as DisneyWorld or other such things aren't going to 'spoil' a child.

Personally our DC's have been treated a lot and I do go overboard sometimes. So fucking what. I have a DC who might not live to adulthood - why the hell shouldn't we celebrate and enjoy the life we do have? Weird fucking attitude to never go OTT occasionally.

I hope you have a lovely time OP.