or are PIL? Long & tedious I'm afraid

[MrsHelsBels74]

At the moment DS1 goes to PIL on Wednesday afternoons, he did so when I went back to work from maternity leave & it's carried on since I went on maternity leave again to give him some consistency. Anyway, the plan was that they would have both boys when I returned to work this time. I was a bit doubtful but they assured me they would be fine so I left it as I didn't want to upset anyone.

DS2 has just turned 3 & is being a typical boisterous, naughty 3 year old. A few times I've got the impression that they've been very glad to hand him over at the end of the afternoon.

I've had a few mental health problems recently & my mum came to stay to help out. One day she went to pick DS1 up from the ILs & when she came back she said that they had said that he had been 'a little wotsit' all afternoon & FIL had said to her that they were getting too old for this. They sometimes have DS2 on a Thursday, but asked if it was ok not to have him that week as both boys 2 days in a row was too much. My mother related this to me & I spoke to DH that night & said that maybe it was getting too much to cope with & should we enquire about whether the boys could go to nursery on the Wednesday as well (DS1 already goes Thursdays and Fridays). DH said it was worth enquiring & he would speak to his parents about it.

Well, the next day the shit really hit the fan. They denied they ever said any of it to my mum, that she is stirring, and they have never said they couldn't cope with the boys. I said that we needed to sort this so could we all sit down & discuss it, they refused saying that they didn't want my mum anywhere near them. They also said that they wanted 2 weeks off having DS1 because they were so busy. (DH let it slip later that the real reason was that they didn't want my mum going to pick him up). I said that I wasn't having this & that I would book him into nursery & that would be the end of it.

They have now said that because we think they are 'useless & unable to look after the boys' they won't have them again, at all. They're sulking (which they have good form for) & didn't even give either boy anything for Easter.

So, if you're still reading, AIBU for putting the boys in nursery or are they for being childish & sulky & overreacting?

So as not to dripfeed, I have had concerns about them looking after DS1 for a while as they never take him out & basically serve him up a snack buffet for him to graze on all afternoon but I put up with it so as not to cause upset, but to be honest I'm glad of the excuse to get him into nursery instead of them looking after him.

We asked them about continuing to look after DS1 when I was maternity leave as I wanted DS1 to have consistency, especially with a new baby arriving. They were happy to do it.

As I said, I've had concerns before (basically they ignore whatever I say & claim they know best) so maybe I have seized on this as an excuse. I asked my mum about whether she had told me the truth & she swore she had. It's the fact that they apparently want nothing to do with me or the boys, and are unwilling to discuss the situation that bothers me.

Can dh speak to them ? Has there been friction between your mum and them previously or could she have said something out of turn when collecting ? I'm sre you can resolve it amicably with the boys going to nursery and perhaps them having either one for the occasional few hours. Does ds1 start school in September anyway ?

Does your DH have a view and how are they with him? Have they done this before?

It may just have been a misunderstanding. They might have felt put out that you were at home with your mum but you asked or got your mum to ask for more childcare.

I think they are bring rather silly and childish but they may be very hurt that on the say so of your mum all this has blown up.

It might have gone like this
'hi I'm here for dgs'

'oh hello we were expecting dil, I'll just get his things. We've have a busy afternoon in the garden, dgs was a bit of a wotsit but a think he's tired/adjusting to all the changes. I'm worn out tbh I'm too old for all this chasing about (big smile) etc..'

It's all in the tone and intent not just the words. Remember you weren't there.

As an aside if you don't think the free childcare they offer every week is good enough you probably should look at some nurseries.

YANBU putting them in nursery for the day if you feel you would prefer that arrangement.

YABU not understanding why they are upset if your mum has made something up and been stirring, which to be honest it sounds like she might.

Send the kids to nursery but make sure they still regularly see your PILs.

Yanbu at all but to keep a good relationship with the pil for the Dcs you will need to be tactful- they don't sound like the types to back down to keep the peace.

If you say something along the lines of very are incredibly grateful for all your help but I feel as though we are taking advantage of your generous nature and the time has come for the dc to go to nursery- they can't get mad

I meant we are dam iphone

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I think YAB an tiny bit U. They made some comments to your mum, which may have been meant in a tongue in cheek, making conversation, possibly even trying to be tactful and make her feel like she's not missing out because she doesn't look after them regularly (you know whether this is even vaguely likely) and she relayed them to you and you then acted upon it. That does make it sound a bit like you agree and possibly already thought that they can't manage - maybe they are starting to feel a bit like that but want to carry on at least for the time being, maybe they are offended that you are so quick to believe that they can't cope, maybe they just want to carry on spending time with your kids, whatever it is it does seem a little unfair to take a second hand version of a comment more seriously than their assertions that they are fine.

I know that my MIL jokes about sticking my niece in nursery on the days she looks after her, and it is exhausting so I know it could easily be taken literally (and probably she does feel like that at the end of the day sometimes, but don't we all?!), but she would hate for someone to pass that on and the final decision to be made on the basis of one of the comments she makes at the end of one of the more challenging days she spends with DN.

The same thing happened to my best friend, her MIL, late 60's looked after her daughter's two very active pre-schools 4 days full days a week. MIL went to stay with her son and my friend and said she was exhausted, she dreaded every day and some days she would go into the bathroom and cry and the children would ask why. My friend spoke to her SIL and told her what her Mother had said, then SIL got very defensive, rang the Mother who denied everything and called my friend a 'bare faced liar' SIL then accused my friend of being bitter jealous and trying to break up a family. It got very ugly.

YANBU - nursery does seem like the best option in this case. I think as you should let them stew for a bit and let them get over the worst. They have looked after your children on a regular basis and I think it's up to you to take the moral high ground and make an effort - even if it does stick in your gullet Suggest meeting up somewhere neutral. Say the children are missing them and asking for them, Maybe write them a letter or card, saying that you are so grateful for their input but you didn't want to take advantage and you thought it would be good for DC to mix with other children their own age as it will prepare them for school/nursery etc. Write about the importance of grandparents etc., butter them up a little. Get DH involved.

I think you need to tread carefully as they are clearly upset. Nursery would make life easier, but I think you need to get past them with this

I do think that if you get parents/PIL to look after your child you have to accept that they will do stuff differently and not what you prefer. My parents looked after DD while I was in hospital having DS for four days. Basically, they filled her full of sugar, refused to take her to dance class or gym class, didn't bath her and let her stay up late. But it didn't matter because they looked after her and gave her love and affection and their time and she had a ball.

Is itnpossible that they made off hand comments to you mum that have got taken too seriously and now they are hurt that it's all got out of hand? Could you call them rather than making it a big sit round the table discussion which perhaps doesn't need your mother to be part of.

Basically what DoJo said so much more eloquently.

DoJo put it more succinctly. I think whike they overreacted you should gave gone about it better. And lesve your mother out of the discussion as she could have taken their moaning the wrong way.

I accept that maybe IABU but all we had done when this kicked off was enquire whether he could go to nursery on a Wednesday, no final decision had been made. What I find unreasonable is their absolute refusal to discuss it at all & their cutting off of our sons.

I just don't see a way forward here.

Let me get this right. This arrangement started with DS1, continued whilst you were on mat leave, and has carried on for at least another couple of years since?

I shall no doubt get flamed for suggesting this but there was a very good article in the You magazine last Sunday about negotiating childcare with grandparents.

It sounds to me as though your PIL are happy to look after your DC but might occasionally feel taken for granted. It happens to all of us now and then (feeling taken for granted I mean). It sounds as though they had an exhausting day with the grandchildren and possibly mentioned this in a slightly jokey way to your mum, as one GP to another. Your mum immediately related this back to you, you immediately started to suggest they might not be able to manage anymore... I would imagine they are hurt and embarrassed.

I would suggest you swallow your pride and make the effort to rebuild the bridges yourself. Something along the lines of "We completely respect your choice if you decide you'd rather not look after the boys but we'd also be very happy if you decided you did. But we'd like to invite you to come out with me, DH, and the boys for a meal/a day out/Sunday lunch." Then make sure they get treated as special guests, just there to have a nice time and not expected to do any grandparently duties.

You should never have 'put up' with anything when it came to your boys in the first place. They don't sound good for the children

My father has never had my son regularly and only had him at all once he was 4 / 5yrs old... son has SEN (undiagnosed then) and it became clear that my dad wasnt coping when he did have him - there was mutterings in the family and it was evident that he never took him out.

I wouldnt have dreamed of just saying something to him - hes a proud man - I just made other arrangements and then changed the manner in which he saw son. I asked my dad to 'do' things for me like collect from school and give an early tea, come round and help him on the computer, take him to a swimming lesson.... nice stuff rather than 'duties'...
My dad has no idea anything has changed!!! Not really!

I have NO childcare at all, I get no respite but my son's positive relationship with my dad is more important - I am pretty outspoken but there is no way I would tell him that I thought he couldnt cope even off the back off what he had said to other people and if I had he would have kicked off and sulked.

I think you should have shown a little bit of diplomacy and gently moved over to nursery - he gets his funding soon and it would have been a perfect time to do so.

I hope you can build some bridges.

You get past it by saying you are sorry for all the upset and not involving your mum.

They are embarrassed and hurt. Unless you are happy with the situation you (and your DH) need to make it better. I'm not surprised they didn't want to see your mum, they felt misrepresented. It honestly sounds like you all handled it badly, really think how they must feel.

Lambzig stuffing your DD full of sugar and not taking her to classes as a one-off when you were in hospital isn't the same as doing that on a regular (weekly) basis.

If someone isn't happy with the childcare they're getting - whoever happens to provide it - then the solution is to find someone who offers the care you want.