To not want to do it all

[LizzyMcGuire]

I am so low today.

My house is an absolute pit, my older dc are 9 and 10 and getting them to pick up after themselves is such a battle.

DH has categorically said no to a cleaner, it comes up every few months and he promises to do more, does more for a week and then we're back to normal. We have a shit load of debt at the moment(unavoidable, and for an unexpected but necessary evil) so extra spending would only add to my stress at the moment anyway.

Today is my day off and I usually gut the house on a Friday (I work 7am to 6pm the other four days) but toddler Dc3 is full of cold and clingy and is now asleep on me so all I've managed to do is the bathroom and our bedroom.

Dh does loads in other ways, he does all the evening clubs and does the kids bedtimes and things, but I just can't get him to do any meaningful housework. If he does any he makes such a fucking meal of it. I asked him to clean the bathroom at the weekend after shaving. He wiped the shelf and then got sidetracked. He pointed out that the stairs needed hoovering on Monday. He didn't do anything about it though.

Our bedroom is full of stuff of his that has no home. He just piles shit on top of shit on top of shit. Our loft and garage are both full to the brim of crap, but he won't sort it.

I have pictures that need to go up, there are doors that were hung a year ago and still haven't been painted. I do all the other diy and decorating but these are two jobs I've specifically delegated to him and we're in a weird and petty situation now where he hasn't done it and I don't want to even though I could.

He talks a good talk, and will do Man cleaning every once in a while (you know the sort, hoovering that takes an hour, using a bottle of bleach to do the kitchen) but everything just falls to me.

I don't want a show home, or even a particularly tidy home, I am talking about just a maintenance level of clean. He 'washes up' after dinner most days but all he does is stack the dishwasher and leave a sink full of dirty pots 'to soak'. I have told him, shown him, what a clean kitchen looks like but it doesn't sink in.

I am so sick of doing all the cleaning, all the cooking, all the shopping, all the thinking. He went out last night (for work) wearing tattered jeans. Because I haven't gone out and bought him new jeans or made him buy them.

It's all on me and I feel broken.

Help me, or slap me or something.

[LizzyMcGuire]

He doesn;t very often say no or 'put his foot down' at all. So when he says it and means it I tend to let him.

He has many stupid reasons for not wanting a cleaner; financial, moral, personal. It's one of the only things we disagree on.

[HappyDogRedDogToss]

You need a skip. Skips just ask to be filled - and if he does Man cleaning then Man Fills Skip might be a similar Manly activity. If not, fill it with his crap then cover it with something else.

And why on earth does he get to have the veto on a cleaner? You sound knackered, when are you supposed to be cleaning anyway... outsource it. If he whinges, tell him it's a trial. If he even notices, that is.

[CheerfulYank]

My DH can spend hours doing the washing up. Tbf we do let it go until there are piles of it sometimes.

But he doesn't like dish cloths so he just stacks everything on the stove to air dry.

Hanging's too good.

[LizzyMcGuire]

I'd love a skip. I have dreams about skips.

I might book one for next week.

Oh god I'm salivating at the thought. All that space in the loft I could free up for more crap!

[b4bunnies]

rearrange your house so you have one room to yourself. keep it immaculate. when they ask... tell them the rest of the house could be the same, its up to them.

[Yardley]

I know full well that in approx three weeks time I will be having the exact same problem as I will be back at work full time (having worked pt for the last year or so and then done everything at home in the time im not at work obv).
When I worked full time before I tried everything to get DH to help with housework/cooking etc to no avail...I didnt want to get a cleaner either-ours is not a big house.I can clean it for an hour once a week (and obv clean as I go in the meantime too) and it looks fine, so getting a cleaner seemed a total waste of money to me, if only DH had helped out a bit...That was never going to happen so we ended up getting one which helped with the immediate problem but still left me annoyed, til I realised that it just isnt worth the worry over it in the end.We will probably have to get a cleaner again now....

[Purplemonster]

Ob god, this sounds like my life except we've got a house full of dogs and cats not kids atm. I'm 27 weeks pregnant with pgp in agony and he still doesn't lift a finger to help, I despair I really do, we've had blazing rows about it over the years, long discussions, I've yelled, I've cried, I've threatened to leave, nothing changes. Can I have a cry with you? We both work full time except I also do all the cooking, all the cleaning, washing, pet care, shopping...and he just walks in the house and dumps things in piles everywhere without a thought or a care in the world and asks me what's for dinner.

[CheerfulYank]

I work 15-20 hours a week (evenings) and DH works 50+, so I get that I will be the one doing most of the cleaning, cooking, etc.

The problem comes in because he doesn't pick up after himself. Shoes wherever he drops them. Paper piled everywhere. Half done "art" projects he makes with DS scattered around the house, forgotten. Dinner crusted on the table.

[chris481]

In general I think a messy partner is a good enough reason to separate. When my wife goes away for two weeks, it's like a weight has been lifted from shoulders, as the house gradually returns to some sort of order. Unfortunately divorce would cost me hundreds of thousands and probably the opportunity to live with my only child, so I'm destined to be miserable indefinitely.

[fedupofnamechanging]

Your poor wife, chris.

I'd hate to think my going away, lifted a weight from my dh's shoulders.