to think that my H shouldn't expect my parents to pay my plane fare?

[notMrsRobinson]

OK. I'm an American married to an Englishman, 2 kids (1 born in USA 1 born in UK), we live in the UK NEVER visit the USA. H thinks if my parents want to see us they should pay our airfares. In the past 18 years I have been back twice-- last time was 12 years ago. My parents come out to see us, about once every two years, so we do see them.

But I feel that my kids are missing out, my parents come out and visit us but the kids have no idea of what their lives are like on their home territory, so to speak, and I also have a sister who I've only seen twice in the past 20 years... she has a good job and lives in an interesting part of the USA so it could be a ready-made holiday to go out and see her/my parents.

It just really grates on my nerves that H thinks that they 'owe' us, he always takes advantage when they are here, i.e. expects them to always pick up the tab at restaurants (which they do), they're grateful that we have a guest room for them to stay in, and they always insist on buying all our groceries etc when they come over. They've also given us large amounts of cash in the past when we've needed it... financed us for a couple of years when we moved back to the USA, etc.

Last night he was saying that it was a shame that they never 'put their hands in their pockets' I think that was how he put it, and he regaled me yet again (he does this often) of stories of how others in similar situations had their parents paying their airfares, flying them out twice a year, and booking them in for holidays in exotic locations in the USA... implying that my parents fall short of the mark.

I just wonder what other people do or would expect their parents to do?
(My parents aren't tremendously wealthy) I am feeling quite disgusted by H's attitude and wouldn't dare tell my parents what is going on-- or why for the umpteenth year in a row we are going to be unable to come visit them!

BTW. In case you were wondering I am not working at the moment, I did work full time up until about 3 years ago, it is a sore point with him, as it's 'his' money it's not a question of just going ahead and booking it up without his permission!

[crunchbag]

YANBU, he is

How sad you haven't been back for 12 years. I am from abroad, not as far as you, and as CarpeVinum says the travel expenses come as part of the package.

[CloudsAndTrees]

Your husband sounds vile. Really really horrible.

[Frawli]

I hope your husband is nice in other ways because his attitude towards your parents is AWFUL! I wouldn't put up with it.

If your parents always expected you to go and see them and never came to see you then they should contribute but if they visit then they should pay for their tickets and if you visit you should pay for your own. If they were particularly wealthy then it would be nice if they could help you out but if they're not then why should they be penalised for you emigrating? It sounds as though your husband has a chip on his shoulder towards your parents or alternatively he is just a nasty, mean piece of work. Either way, the upshot is that he is trying to make you feel bad about things while hampering his children of a relationship with their grandparents. What a top bloke

[DeadWomanWalking]

You should book flights for just you and your DC, and not come back.

[Squitten]

He sounds like quite the catch there...

TBH, if he really considers his money to be "his" and resents you for not working, then visiting your parents is really the least of your concerns!

[Parker231]

Of course you don't need his permission to book a holiday using the family money - its not his money but the families. I'm not saying to book a trip without discussing it but surely he can't stop you and your children visiting your parents. Are you planing on getting a job ?

[MrsOakenshield]

your H sounds like a right charmer. But, if you have been working full time up until 3 years ago, I don't understand why you can't have saved up and paid for flights out there? It's only been 'his' money recently? So, I think blaming your H for your lack of visits to the States isn't quite on, unless you're on minimum wage (which, of course, you could be) why haven't you been out yourself?

But no, he shouldn't expect them to pay.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Your issue is not airfares. Your issue is that your husband is behaving like a Neanderthal in thinking that just because he earns it the money is all his.

You need to resolve the imbalance in your relationship.

[MrsSpagBol]

"I hope your husband is nice in other ways because his attitude towards your parents is AWFUL! I wouldn't put up with it."

Me either!

I live further away from my parents than you do, and so I know what it's like to be far away from people for large parts of the year. It's a massive sacrifice you have made being so far from home. The LEAST he can do is prioritise opportunities for you to go home and see your family.

Also, does he not realise that your children are half American and that your parents are their grandparents? They have an aunt they never see and possibly cousins or other relatives?

I feel really strongly about this. Does he think you just fell out of a tree?
This is FAMILY, not just a random jolly you are asking to go on.

It's completely unacceptable. You need to tell him you won't stand for this.

And he needs to be a lot more respectful in the way he speaks about them. It's just foul. They raised you. They deserve his respect for that at least.

[Casperthefriendlyspook]

DP is from New Zealand. His parents paid for us to go over when DD was a baby, but that was a one-off, and also for his 30th. It was a surprise, not expected, and hugely appreciated. We've paid every other time we've been. I'd echo that your husband sounds mean and grabby.

[oldraver]

I think he is living in cloud cuckoo land. Why should your parents bank roll you ? I think it perfectly ok if your parents want to send you money or pay for flights but why does he expect it ?

[PuggyMum]

I'm actually shocked and quite upset at this thread.

My IL's visit regularly from Scotland. I do not allow guests to buy all the groceries and pick up the tab. I graciously accept a token gesture. My IL's are very wealthy and we are not but they are a) family and b) our guests.

When we visit them, we do not expect fuel money and also reciprocate a token gesture.

Your husband sees it as his money is also very telling. He sounds financially abusive and very mean.

YANBU

[CarpeVinum]

I hope your husband is nice in other ways because his attitude towards your parents is AWFUL!

You aren't wrong. But that really is just the cherry on the cake AFAIAMC.

The bulk of the issue, the actual "cake" is ...His wife is far from home, hasn't been back for ages, can't plan on going back unless she goes cap in hands to her parents becuase the person who is supposed to love her can't or won't acknowledge the personal cost and sacrifice on her part of living in his country. Not even to the extent of regarding trips home as an expense that can and must be met in order to minimise (at least to some extent) the wieght of being the one who left everything behind.

That is the bit that is sticking in my craw.

[PollyEthelEileen]

We are also an Anglo-American family.

It is a lot easier than our American GF to visit us here than it is for all of us to go there. Also, our location is a lot more interesting. When he is here, he will pay for one meal out and we will pay for everything else.

When we visited him at Christmas, we pretty much paid for all the food (and cooked it).

He is generally very astute with money and keen for us not to pay inheritance tax :)

We try to go over every 3-4 years, but it is very expensive for us (big family). The advantage of going is that we get to see siblings and cousins, who would never dream of visiting us. Not even the Olympics could entice them over. There is always Skype.

[AntsMarching]

I'm an American married to a Brit. We fly back to the US twice a year (used to go 3-4 times a year before kids). We pay for it ourselves. My parents come over once every two years. They pay for their flights. When they're here, we buy all food and they stay in our guest room. I wouldn't dream of asking them to pay.

My DH is happy to do this, it's something we both agreed on before making the move to be together.

Your H sounds mean, both with his attitude to your parents and with money. He also sounds as if he has no regards for your feelings. Does he not ever consider that you might like to see old friends or even just be where you grew up?

[MmeLindor]

What Carpe said.

Does he even realise how hard it is for you to be so far from home?

We now live in Scotland after many years living in Germany where DH was born. When we live there we visited Scotland regularly. Now we are in UK we will visit his family in Germany.

It's part of being married to someone from a different country.

Is he always such a total wanker, or just about money?

[notMrsRobinson]

thank you all for your comments! and confirming it's HIM not ME, he argues very convincingly that he's right.

Hecsy yes he talks about inheritance a lot. As for my parents he reckons there won't be much left over once they've 'frittered it all away' ... several house moves and less-than-great house choices... they inherited $$$ from my grandparents but they don't share information or consult with me so it's none of my business what they do with it. I have no idea how much they've got in the bank but they live comfortably on what they have.

Emily quite a different story with his parents (who live in the UK). When they come to ours he likes to flash cash around and takes them out for expensive meals. We went up before Christmas and FFS he insisted on buying many many bottles of champagne just to prove he's got superior taste and the whole atmosphere is irritating. For everyone. He constantly wonders how much money they've got in the bank (won't tell him I suppose, they are tightwads in the extreme and very uptight about money) and calculates how much their house is worth. They never spend anything on us.

He justifies his attitude by saying that if people talked more openly about money they'd be better at handling it. Well I sort of agree but it shouldn't mean reducing everything down to money.

Sorry this is turning into a rant but as you can tell I am v v p*ssed off at him! So many thanks for the commiseration this will galvanize me into action I hope.

[TheSloppelganger]

I'm English, married to an American and living in the US.

When my mum, or other friends and relatives come to the US to visit us they pay their own air fares, and then when we go to the UK to visit we pay our own air fares.

My mum is pretty well off (probably a lot more comfortable than DH and I) but no way would we ever dream of expecting her to pay for our flights if we wanted to visit. That would just be shockingly rude. So we save up like normal people until we can afford the air fare.

DH has no problem with this use of our money (even though I get more out of the trip than he does really - seeing as how it is my family and they don't exactly live in a top tourist spot!) and even though he earns 3x as much as me, there is no 'his money' aspect, which is really a deeply unpleasant attitude - unless the other party in the relationship is just lazing on the sofa eating bon bons all day I suppose!

Your DH sounds like an ungrateful grasping wanker with absolutely no manners and no respect for his children's heritage. I hope he is nicer than he sounds.

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

How did I know he's got his eyes on the prize?

He's got a shocking attitude, notMrsRobinson. I think you should tell him just how revolting he is.

And I hope your parents don't leave one single penny for him to get his hands on. His attitude towards their money is disgusting.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

You are very much right. DH is U. My parents come to see us about once a year. I or DH and I go to see them about once every two. Very rarely, they offer to pay. Normally we pay and it was a condition of me living in DH's country that I would always be able to go home if I wanted.

I am only working very part-time and nothing has changed. I am currently booking over a thousand dollars in flights for the summer.

One reason I married DH was that he was very keen to make sure that he paid for dinner when we go out with them sometimes. DH and DF argue over it . I married a tightwad the first time and didn't want to make the same mistake twice.

[HildaOgden]

Why have you accepted his treatment of your parents?

[TheSloppelganger]

Blimey, he sounds completely obsessed with money.

[Emilythornesbff]

I was going to ask the obvious "does he expect his parents to pay for your travel to visit them?" but obviously I don't need to do I.

Well, he's a charmer isn't he.

Does this behaviour extend to other areas of your life? Is he charming and generous to others and just behaves like a twunt with you?

Really sorry. Feel free to rant.

[Itsjustafleshwound]

I know that the whole PIL thing is an absolute minefield. My DH and I live in the UK but our families live overseas (same country, totally different directions!) and their attitudes to how and when to visit and who is responsible for paying is a huge bugbear and has caused a lot of issues between the ILs and us.

I just think your DH's attitude stinks and I would be angry ..

[Wibblypiglikesbananas]

You sound lovely but your husband sounds awful, bordering on financially abusive. How come you've been back to see your family so little over the years? Is it all because of him or did you not want to visit them?

Yes, flights are expensive but you're talking £500 return per person out of season. Surely you and the kids could have gone every other year or so, given it's your home country! I can't believe your husband wants your kids to know so little about their mum's heritage!

I live in a pretty international city and I don't know any mixed nationality couples who just 'give up' on the country they're not in. Regular visits are almost a condition of the person giving up their home country, if that makes sense.

Unless you have financial issues, I don't see why your husband is behaving like this. Also, it's not 'his' money, it's family money. Book some flights and go and see your family before it's too late!