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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect other leader to show me respect?

39 replies

Mistressmiggins · 02/04/2013 17:02

I am Tawny owl in a local brownie troop. The Brown owl is "leader in charge" as she likes to keep reminding me. It just feels like she wants to do everything and I'm just another helper.

She "delegates" tasks to me and then spends her weekend emailing me checking up. I'm not allowed to tidy the cupboard because she needs to know what is in there. Last week she asked all the others if they could make today for planning meeting and then said to me "you cant make it can you" In other words deliberately picked a night I couldn't make. I organised a sleep over last summer but the stress and hassle I got from her means I cant face doing it again. If I make suggestions, she puts them down unless the others agree.

We even had to have mediation over this but I came away feeling she didn't think she was doing anything wrong.
It sounds petty I know but its really getting me down. Its meant to be fun and giving to the community but it feels like bullying.

My husband wants me to give up but while I'm at brownies I really enjoy being with the girls. Also my DD goes to same pack so she is upset I'm thinking of leaving. Just not sure what to do.

OP posts:

Felicitywasonholiday · 02/04/2013 21:47

Seriously it doesn't have to be like this.

She is at fault not you.

Do what you have to do to change the arrangements for the other pack so you can be the GIC. Instantaneously it will be fun again.

The thing about guiding is that it's meant to be fun. If it isn't, it isn't working correctly.

ZebraOwl · 02/04/2013 21:57

I'm so sorry this has happened

Definitely investigate District-Moving options. (I don't suppose you're in SE London...?)

Groovee · 02/04/2013 22:02

I had that with my old BO. She was very horrible to me and the other AG. We both ended up leaving.

How long does your dd have left in brownies? Could one of her friends mum's take her if you finished early enough to collect them? It would be sad to loose someone from guiding xx

ConfusedPixie · 02/04/2013 22:06

I'd tell your DC why you're leaving, that sounds awful :(

I do scouts, I'm so glad my superior leader is male sometimes!

NigelMolesworth · 02/04/2013 22:13

That's very sad.

She is in the wrong and most definitely not within the spirit of Guiding. A good DC would also not want to lose you and would try to find a way to help.

Take a step back for now and think things through. It's always possible to take a break and come back in another way later. And don't worry about your daughter - what you are actually showing her is that you don't have to put up with this sort of rubbish...

I don't suppose you live near me and would like to help me with my Rainbows?? (Hopeful)

RainbowRabbit33 · 02/04/2013 23:17

I feel bad for showing the other side abit. This woman is clearly a complete cow.

It really isn't always like this,I promise. Depending on where you live, you might be able to go to another district without having to travel too far. I've stayed in the same district (with no support from the DC) and have found that if I have a problem with someone, others do as well, they just don't talk about it, but will one-to-one acknowledge that it's not my fault.

Bit of a random question, do you know any Trefoil Guild members you could talk to? I've found them really useful in the past as a detached, experienced people who understand, but are less involved in the politics. Although they may be involved I the politics at county level!!

If you're in Glos, you're welcome to come to us!

I'm one of the most grumpy people ever, and don't give hugs, but hugs, that's shit.

RRxx

Original poster

Mistressmiggins · 03/04/2013 06:54

Even at the planning meeting she was manipulating the situation. She asked everyone what they wanted to do but was stubborn if i suggested something different even with good reason. She then used this as a reason to have a go after the meeting.

The brownies like her and so I'm sure it will be ok.
Ironically one of the mothers is a rainbow leader but wants to help at our pack. Brown owl again has been quietly vocal about this person but she may now not have any choice.

Having slept on it I don't feel so bad. Realised it's more the older brownies I'd miss who are leavin in summer anyway. I feel relieved I don't have to work with her again.
My DC has emailed me concerned but is away at a conference. She has promised to phone me then. The DC actually did our mediation last summer and was definitely neutral. However she has a lot on her plate with several troops low on leaders so guess this isn't going to help.

I'm also worried that BO will bad mouth me on the sly to other leaders but I guess if I take on another pack I can show my worth.

Thanks again. Sometimes it's easy to feel one IS to blame.

OP posts:

Groovee · 03/04/2013 11:04

If she badmouths you, then I would be looking down on her. The DC obviously can see your qualities and wants to keep you. Consider it and ignore the BO.

kiwimumof2boys · 04/04/2013 01:48

When I was at girl guides a long long time ago now I quit as the head leader (can't remember the exact nickname for a guide leader ?) was the b!tch from hell - and was really horrible to me (constantly berating me in front of the other guides etc). The Deputy leader was lovely but very quiet. If she had been head leader I definitely would've stayed at guides. Incidently I found out that some of the other girl guide leaders in other regions referred to the head leader as 'Hitler.' Very fitting. A real shame people like this and your Brown Owl are allowed to stay on and be horrible when it is meant to be fun.

lurkedtoolong · 04/04/2013 03:51

So sorry to hear that. Exactly the opposite of my experience as a brownie leader but just shows how varied experiences in a voluntary organisation can be. For your own sake you have to step away, we're supposed to enjoy the things that we volunteer to do in our spare time not be miserable in them.

Even if your DC is supportive and makes the right noises you have to think about what you want - do you want to be spending every Wednesday night with this mean woman? Might be better as others have suggested to look to another District if that's close enough.

I hope you do find a unit. It can be brilliantly rewarding.

SuzySheepSmellsNice · 04/04/2013 04:09

I have a lot of experience in Scouting, and understand that some leaders can be hard work. This woman has no right to push you out or to be so horribleband vindictive. Write an official letter of resignation and send it to the DC and copy in whomever is even higher up, stating your reasons for leaving and detailing the bullying. What a cow.

Original poster

Mistressmiggins · 04/04/2013 19:37

just to update you all....my DC called today to say she had discussed our situation with her other 2 DCs and immediately one of them asked if I would help at her Rainbows as she is the only qualified leader.
I also had a text from another leader who'd heard on the grapevine (goodness knows how) and has also asked me to help her.

So I will be staying in guiding and feel both excited and relieved to be honest. I really didnt want to quit but felt the situation was too much to put up with.

The Rainbows I am joining have a planning meeting / social evening which sounds fab. At my Brownies we never ever did anything as a group of leaders/helpers which I always found sad.

OP posts:

ConfusedPixie · 04/04/2013 19:45

Fantastic :) I hope things go well with the Rainbows!

RubberBullets · 04/04/2013 19:45

Really pleased for you

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