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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to resign myself to never ever meeting a naice man again...

59 replies

drfayray · 02/04/2013 13:32

I have been single for nearly two years. Ex twunt left after 24 years of marriage. I worked on recovery, etc etc and felt it was time to you know...dip the proverbial toe in the murky depths of dating. I joined RSVP, a big dating site here in Australia. WELL...I am currently writing up about all the crazee fuckwitts I encountered. I got rather tired of blokes sending me pix of their dicks, young kids! telling me they want to wank on my face and 76 year olds telling me they didn't need Viagra...

So I went offline for a bit. I met this guy (the WolfMan) and we had a thing for about 4 months but he had mental health issues and I suspect Asperger's too and I ended it. We are still friends though.

Then last week I decided that I should give online dating another go. A chappie called Neil contacted me reminding me that we had emailed before and that he had been quite disappointed when I disappeared. So we met for coffee yesterday.

When I was waiting for him, I felt this huge wave of something flood over me. I knew that he would not be suitable. I knew that I couldn't do this whole dating thing; putting myself out there for men whom I shouldn't even consider. Neil was a nice guy but not my type.

I am 51 but do not look my age (see my pix for proof of this!). I am clever, attractive, friendly, etc etc and yet I do not seem to attract men. Men in my age range (45-55) seem to want young girls. They consider women in the 48+ range to be 'boilers' or old chooks. I cannot describe how offensive I found this; one of the so-called dates told me this.

I have a good life filled with friends and my children. I do activities like Tango, run etc etc so it is not like I am stuck inside. But I am just not meeting any decent men.

So AIBU to resign myself to being single from now on?

OP posts:
MansView · 03/04/2013 14:16

RE: mansview. not true. i dont care about height. or wealth. any man who is even an inch taller than me is "tall" :-p truth is, men my age are going to be looking over my shoulder at a 25 year old standing behind me. ive had a lit of time to think about this and i want a man who is good company and decent. are you telli.g me my standards are too high?!

well, maybe you're not included as lots of women... :)

but on POF - the decent women don't want to know, and I only get replies / messages from the ones I'd only perhaps consider after a skinful... :(

I live in a rural place and my choice (locally) whilst going out is limited to practially zero... :(

Latara · 03/04/2013 14:21

Mansview i'm not sure that POF is a dating site i'd recommend from the experiences of my sister & friends; they say that to get good dates you have to join a site that you pay for (that hopefully discourages the non-serious types).

Also; Rural places are lovely but not good for meeting people. I moved from a small rural town to a larger town for that reason and have made more friends that way.

YouTheCat · 03/04/2013 14:24

Maybe you should stop judging so much on appearance and give some people a chance?

Unless you're some kind of Adonis, you are not going to get a super model making eyes at you on POF.

SanctiMOMious · 03/04/2013 14:33

so manview is there a code i can put in to my profile that spells it out to the right guyys that i want a decent sane good humoured clever clean sporty ish man who wants a ltr with the right woman . how do u communicate this without coming accross all prudey. actually scrap that. dont care if some perve after sex chat thinks im a prude :-p
or is my list too long there now do you think!? too many requests? is it like a puzza, two toppings. three is pushing it you demanding high maintenance chancer

SanctiMOMious · 03/04/2013 14:36

ps maleview. what's a dent woman? im 42 slim attractive well dressed sporty normal kind blah blah but does the 42 part instantly take me out of the "decent woman" column

Original poster
drfayray · 03/04/2013 16:50

Ooh more posts!
I got a text from the chappie saying that he had a very good time and would like to see me again. I thanked him for the msg and said that no, I didn't want to see him again and good luck.

I deleted my profile.
I posted similar in my FB page and a fair few women replied that they too had given up.
I have a lot to offer. A male friend said I was fabulous Grin he was taken unfortunately Grin

I am single but not lonely. My children are fabulous too ... See my pix as I am so proud of them. We have come thru a hard time thanks to the twunt ex. DS will be leaving for uni next year so I want to enjoy the 3 of us this year. Men get in the way.

Ah well... My life is good. I dance a lot which lifts my spirits.

And I am not fussy but I have standards. Why can't I have someone like me?

I will not settle...
One twunt is enough thank ye vair muchHmm

OP posts:
Mugofteaforme · 03/04/2013 19:13

Ye Gods POF is a nightmare!

Me thinks that LoveandFriends might be a good bet, else looking approachable in your local Marks and Sparks can pay dividends (avoid the discount section), but whatever lots of luck :)

Mr MOT

SanctiMOMious · 03/04/2013 19:37

maleview sorry to pick on you here, but when you talk about messages from women you'd only consider after a skinful Shock you can't be telling us our standards are too high. With men, It's mORE about appearance isn't it. It doesn't matter how funny, warm, good humoured etc etc a woman is, if a man doesn't fancy her when he first sets eyes on her, she won't grow on him, but men grow on women all the time. Some of the men I've had the strongest feelings for over the years, I couldn't even remember the first time I saw them they made that little impression on me. I like 'growers' though. But i never meet people, so nobody ever grows on me. the world is now divided into total strangers and people i know who are all taken.

villagebird · 03/04/2013 20:03

Arr you sound like a nice lady. I left my drunken dh 1 year ago and have been single ever since. Except for 1 month fling with guy that owns salon I go too who ended up being a complete nob. I dont go out much due not that much money. But for some reason I would NEVER use a dating site. I think they mostly (not all) consist of people who are 'not quite right'. I think its best to try and meet someone face to face ie out and about. Also dont look for it to happen. Let it happen naturally. Says the loner stuck in doors lol. I just hate the thought of meeting someone from a dating site. Sooooo wrong

villagebird · 03/04/2013 20:06

Oh just one thing to add. I went 'on the off chance' to my local Waitrose to get few bits one evening about 7pm. Well. never seen so many nice blokes wandering around with their baskets on their own !

SanctiMOMious · 03/04/2013 20:14

I can believe that, that if you threw a satsuma around waitrose you'd have a better chance of meeting somebody nice. But you see somebody nice in waitrose, you might smile, they might smile........... one friendly comment, one jokey reply, and then {puff} of smoke and they're gone.

dayshiftdoris · 03/04/2013 20:23

I joined POF after my friend met someone on there and encouraged me to do the same...

1 search later and my matches were her ex, another friends ex and a man named Peter who liked sandwiches.

And that ladies and gentlemen is why i have been single (apart from one fling) for 10 years at the age of 34!!!

LittleTyga · 03/04/2013 20:32

May I offer a ray of hope?

My partner was killed in a road accident when I was pregnant with dd2. She is now nearly 8 - I'm late 40's and have met a lovely, kind, considerate, funny single dad.

I was not looking for a man though - we became friends through our children and soon realised there was a spark there. I had been single for 7 years and thought I had had sex for the last time, without knowing it at the time! Was quite a galling thought!

Don't give up. There are good men out there!

MansView · 04/04/2013 13:37

I'm only joking ladies :)

tho, POF, well, I've had mixed results on there - I've met people who I wouldn't of normally met...but chemistry is the thing (I'm 42 btw), and you have to meet up with people ime - a lot of people just seem to want to chat... :(

plus if you think about the name of the site - plenty of fish...seems to treat people like a commodity (easy come, easy go...), you talk to one person one day, and the next day they aren't interested...

I do see myself as being fairly handsome - but I'm a bit shy, and don't smile enough haha..!

Latara · 04/04/2013 13:56

MansView try eg. Match.com if you are serious about internet dating as i know friends who've had good relationships from that site & similar sites that you have to pay for.

Chemistry is good but can be a 'red herring' - if your personalities don't gel during the date then having chemistry together isn't going to make a relationship.

Do you live within 30 miles or so (ie half hour drive) of a larger town? If so, it's worth going there more often for drinks or even supermarket shopping, or to join a gym - there will be more women around than in the rural area. :)

Original poster
drfayray · 04/04/2013 14:14

Put your pix up MansView...let's have a gander at you...I have some pix of myself up on here. Let us judge your looks, eh? Grin

I have had another request to meet from another bloke chappie who also remembered me from 18 months ago. That is flattering I guess...

He emailed me tonight to ask if we could meet sometime next week. He lives in the Gold Coast; I am in Brisbane. This one was a leetle bit more promising in that he is 4 years older than I am, was a barrister and then taught English in Japan and is now taking a break doing hikes in the National Parks....But I dunno...it all seems like so much hard work..the anticipation, then the meet..then the disappointment...Heavy sigh..He is tall though. And seems to have a spine unlike the last bloke...his pix are ok although I am slightly concerned about the metal fan type hair...

He writes well enough...

What do I do? I have not replied yet...in fact am not going to until maybe Sunday as I am rather busy at the mo...

Should I meet him...this is the last one from teh innernez. My profile is gone for good.

OP posts:
LittleTyga · 04/04/2013 14:29

Go! What have you got to lose? You might make a good friend - or he might not be the one but you've had a day out and experienced something different.

Latara · 04/04/2013 14:52

drfayray definitley meet up, like LittleTyga says there's nothing to lose and he could know other single men (if he's not for you).

I'd forgotten you are in Aussie; the weather must be lovely and hot too!

hairtearing · 04/04/2013 15:13

Internet dating I think has it purposes for certain people , even young people. I met my my hubby online, in my case I looked like a bulldog chewing wasps, was overweight and due to that was paralyzed with fear around people and was too shy to talk to anyone especially boys hides*.

you can plan what you say etc, plus the world is less 'community' based i.e the days when everyone knew everyone, a village raised a child are over and people are more insular and busy.

Put ime the first comment I sent my hubby was something like 'ooh you're from my neck of the woods etc' on a pic more chatty, rather than
'yeah baby inbox me' although women don't generally do that more men,
maybe its a technique you could try Grin

Its possibly different when you're older,

MansView · 04/04/2013 15:36

yeah, I'm from the city (and work there) - but live the rural life (apart from the lack of woman haha) and I go to an exercise class on a friday - as well as the gym a few times a week...

I did get talking to a woman at the class but to be honest I didn't have a clue on if she was being friendly or flirting..! but that seems to have tailed off a bit now anyway... :(

DolomitesDonkey · 04/04/2013 15:39

hairtearing You've described me. Wink When we got married our registrar told us more than half the weddings she did were "internet marriages".

hairtearing · 04/04/2013 16:22

Yeah, Its funny ten years ago internet relationships were seen as a little 'wierd' for 'wierd' people and aren't long lasting.

there's always a part of me that wonders would I have been alone forever had it not been for the net,. And its does feel that bit less 'valid' to have spoke first online.

SanctiMOMious · 04/04/2013 19:13

You seem sane and not a pervert, you're the cream of the crop.

NaturalBlondeYeahRight · 04/04/2013 19:41

Two of my close friends met nice, respectable men at 49. All had recently come out of divorces. I was single in my twenties for ages. I think a drought is a drought. When some aquaintences meet/marry/have babies after 5 minutes of divorce, I do wonder how (iykwim).

MimiSunshine · 04/04/2013 20:13

I think the issues with Internet dating are true at any age. The online shopping aspect allows people to be pickier than they would be in real life.
I've tried it a couple of times over the years, first time was match and I found all the blokes on their too old for me (I was early / mid 20s) and I honestly wanted to let them know they were the same age as my dad.

After a couple of years single I tried it again with POF, didn't get any of the scary / pervy messages that I know some people do, but I did turn one bloke down who didn't meet all 3 of my 'critical' criteria Blush who I then randomly met him IRL and realised I was an idiot and shouldn't be so picky.
However I went on one date thankfully with a lovely bloke and we've been together ever since. Grin

So like all relationships I think it's all about timing and being in the right mind frame to meet someone.

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