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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or is my BiL being overly controlling?

90 replies

tvmum1976 · 02/04/2013 05:13

AIBU to ask my BiL to look after their 2 kids for a couple of hours (actually I guess probably 4 hours total with travel time) while my sister comes with me to choose my wedding dress? He refuses to do it, and has called me a spoiled brat etc for asking. His POV is that he is a SAHD during the week and needs a break- to be fair, it is a demanding job- one of the kids is mildly autistic/ aspergers (although at school during the day) and the other is a toddler (mornings in nursery). I truly understand that it is hard on him, but it was a 4 day weekend so he would have had a break the rest of the time and it is a once in a lifetime special occasion (important to me more emotionally than practically to be fair.) i have never asked him to do anything like this before, and he has never let my sister go out anywhere without him on the weekends since they had kids 5 years ago, as he says the weekends are his only chance to have a break and my sis should be on duty with the kids. She won't be coming to my hen night etc for this reason. they won't use babysitters and there's no one else that can really help out.

OP posts:

Catchingmockingbirds · 02/04/2013 11:11

And your evidence for this is what exactly?

Today is world autism awareness day, there is a lot of information about autism all over the Internet, in particular today as people are trying to raise awareness. Maybe you could read some instead of spouting ignorant comments like that?

Dawndonna · 02/04/2013 11:20

Yes, maybe I could. Maybe I wrote half of it. I'm autistic too. As are my family. I shall leave now, your tone is rude and aggressive and completely unnecessary. I did say that I know it's not done. I tried to be gentle and I too object to the fact that every time somebody is an arse it can be blamed on autism. I also object to Mark Haddon's book which I'm sure you loved, but hey, that's another discussion.

AmberLeaf · 02/04/2013 11:23

There is actually lots of evidence to show autism is hereditary/genetic.

May not be the case in this situation but not 'ignorant' to suggest it and I am usually a bit hmm at asd being suggested when a man is being controlling.

OP I think your bil is being unreasonable though, its a one off, surely he can do this?

Catchingmockingbirds · 02/04/2013 11:26

Your post doesnt make much sense, yes perhaps you should read some information before making completely ignorant comments with regards to autism, I doubt you've written half the information on the Internet about this. Here is a quote from the National Autistic Society, who also don't agree with your statement that most cases of autism are genetic;

"The causes of autism are still unknown. Experts believe that autism is caused by interaction between several complex genetic and environmental factors. However, at present these factors are not properly understood."

(My son and step-daughter both have autism too - and they're not genetically related either...)

Catchingmockingbirds · 02/04/2013 11:27

There is a lot of evidence to show that most cases of autism are genetic? Where?

pollypandemonium · 02/04/2013 11:30

I think you should take them with you. He sounds like he resents being SAHD and wants to control her or punish her for the position he is in. The best way to deal with this is to embrace childcare, show him that he is missing out. Show the world you had a great time in town choosing wedding dresses, put pics up on facebook. That way there is less to fight about and dd won't feel as though she is being pushed away. They should be fighting to be with dcs, not fighting to get away from them.

I know she's probably exhausted, but you can turn that around by enjoying time with dcs.

If the disabilities are a problem there should be respite care facilities at the council to help.

Dawndonna · 02/04/2013 11:30

All over the fucking place, and you can doubt what you like. But do you know what, I've had enough today. I was a lecturer. I lectured student doctors on ASDs. I probably do know more but you stay entrenched in your little hole and don't listen to anyone else. I've got more fucking experience than you've had hot dinners and today I don't care. I'm sick of superior arseholes in this place thinking they know best because they're on the fucking net. If you lived in my area it's even possible that it was me that diagnosed your family members, but of course, I know fuck all.
Had enough of mumsnet this weekend.
Ciao.

EuroShaggleton · 02/04/2013 11:31

He sounds very selfish. He gets weekday mornings off, plus weekends. She works FT and then has the kids at weekends. When is her down time?

AmberLeaf · 02/04/2013 11:32

Your NAS quote mentions genetics!

Go and google some more and you'll find lots of evidence.

Catchingmockingbirds · 02/04/2013 11:34

amber I'm disagreeing with dawn who is claiming that most cases of autism are genetic, not that genetics don't play any part in ASD.

AmberLeaf · 02/04/2013 11:34

AmberLeaf · 02/04/2013 11:35

Well I'm agreeing with Dawndonna that most cases are genetic.

tomverlaine · 02/04/2013 11:38

My DP is like this - he is a SAHD and thinks he needs time off (he tells me that I should regard spending time with DS as a treat which is difficult to come back on)but its between me and DP how we sort things out and I would be seriously annoyed if my DSIS interfered.Its up to her to pick her battles.

pollypandemonium · 02/04/2013 11:40

OP how would it be if you took them with you?

I agree with others that you need down time and deserve a break, but this man wants to control her and punish her and the best way to deal with that is to say 'fine, you don't want to be with your own kids, but actually, I do'.

houseworkhater · 02/04/2013 11:41

I disagree about taking 2 young children, one of whom has autism, to go wedding dress shopping.

I don't think the shop owners would think it a good idea for one. What will the children do when you are spending a long time trying on dresses? A bridal shop is not the place to take 2 children, what are they going to do?

I'm imagining the bridal shop where I took my dd to get her prom dress.
Hundreds of very expensive gowns, very tempting for sticky fingers to touch!
Not ideal at all.

houseworkhater · 02/04/2013 11:43

Also why should she take her dcs with her?
Would a man be expected to trail around his young dcs if he was out with the groom?
Whilst his wife sat at home demanding a break.

pollypandemonium · 02/04/2013 11:54

I don't think she should have to take them - it's not fair or right, but I am putting this forward as a tactical way to deal with his stubbornness. I did the same with mine when there was competition between me and dp. I let him mope about on his own and I just made the best of my time with them. Kids enjoy it, I enjoy it, he misses out. Win win up yours kind of thing.

pollypandemonium · 02/04/2013 11:58

But yes regarding the whole sticky fingers in a shop full of expensive white dresses thing... they may need someone else with them to take the dcs out (another friend who can take them off somewhere for a couple of hours).

Also remind twatface that this will be remembered by the whole family for the rest of history - 'remember the time when we had to take the kids to the wedding dress shop because TF wouldn't look after them'... etc etc.

Emilythornesbff · 02/04/2013 12:01

Skipping over the asd debate, I think YADNBU and your bil is behaving in a selfish and controlling manner.

Maybe she should " put her foot down" about your hen night?
Not sure what the solution is, sorry.

RunningAgain · 02/04/2013 12:16

Maybe he would be happier working full time and looking after his children for the rest of his time, while the op's sister is a SAHM with time to herself every morning, and he can look after the children after 5pm and at weekends? I wonder whether he would...

WilsonFrickett · 02/04/2013 12:25

Polly slightly off topic but if a child has Asperger's and is able to attend mainstream school the chance of getting respite care from the council is 0%. Not a snowball's. I'm not getting at you, I just think it's important to point out that a lot of the resources people think exist to help children and families really don't exist.

houseworkhater · 02/04/2013 12:39

Yes I see your point polly.

It could turn into a "Can you remember...we even had to let ds try on a tiara to keep him occupied. In fact we had to buy him the tiara!"

Snoopingforsoup · 02/04/2013 12:46

It's your wedding dress for crying out loud.
He's a twat. An uncharitable, selfish, mean spirited twat.
I'd understand if you were asking her to come on a bawdy night out but to choose your wedding dress?
What's wrong with him? Oh yes, he's a controlling martyred man!

RunningAgain · 02/04/2013 13:02

Snooping, the op is also asking her sister to come on a bawdy night out, but she's not allowed to go on that either!

zukiecat · 02/04/2013 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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