To be reluctant to tell ds (4) off for this

[99problems]

Ds,4, has an interest in an obsession with his train tracks. When I say obsession I mean they are everything to him - all he plays with and he is very particular about them (builds amazingly creative tracks and doesn't like anyone else to touch/try to help etc).

He has some special needs relating to speech and lang and a pediatrician reviews him every 6 months, my brother has Aspergers and I think this is what they are monitoring.

Anyway, some of the tracks ds tried to build are not really sustainable, and will break after he has made them. At this stage, he goes completely, and utterly hysterical. It's like he totally loses control and is utterly devastated. He gets angry, and will subsequently smash up his track and shout at me. He screams for about half an hour. I am really at a loss as to how to handle this, dp thinks we should be 'stricter' with him, tell him off for outburst. I'm more reluctant, although I think we need to make clear to him it's not acceptable to throw things around/smash things up, shouting at him at the time seems to exacerbate an already chaotic situation. This is the only time I feel like I have no control over his behaviour - other than when his tracks break he never ever behaves this way.

AIBU to not tell off ds at the time, rather let him vent his frustration, providing he's not hurting anyone, and talk to him afterwards? Or am I being completely 'soft'?

Keep quiet and calm. Let him let it out. Be there for him when he calms down with lots of hugs and talk about the situation if he wants.

Please try not to punish him when he's letting out his frustration. Telling him off will just make him think his meltdown is a "bad" thing and down the line it could become a hidden release of pent up emotions or frustrations which could manifest itself in self injurious behaviours.

OP you will get much more input from the Special Needs section here...there are lots of parents there with direct experience of train loving boys who may be on the spectrum. Definitely telling him off isn't on as he's possibly on the spectrum...he just can't help it.

You sound like a great Mum btw.

Have you tried sitting close by and intervening before the collapse? I often watch the 2 year old I mind and, from my seat (totally not getting involved) I just say "wow that's good but if you put the next one there do you think it might fall?" And he will nearly always adjust it.

It's a fairly normal pattern of behaviour for lots of children. My own son, now 11, still shouts, stamps and cries whilst screwing up drawings that are not to his high standards. I leave him to vent then talk about what he can do to make it the way he wants the next time.

Sorry meant to add that neither of the children in my post above are sn!

I would agree that telling him off/punishing him won't help the situation-it sounds like it's almost out of his control. Could you create a chill out zone type area-so when he gets really cross, say if the track breaks, you can direct him there, lots of tactile things, stress balls, beanbag, soft balls to throw/hit?

Could you (or he) take a photo or film his wonderful creations, so that even when they inevitably fall over and break, he would have something to remember them by?