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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have mentioned in conv that BIL is gay

110 replies

MordecaiMargaret · 31/03/2013 12:32

DH and I were over at new neighbour's house last night having a few glasses of wine.
We were talking about how our dc won't have as many cousins as we had. I have one sister and my H has one brother.
I said 'yeah, it doesn't look like ds will have any cousins because my sis doesn't want kids and H's bro is gay and doesn't want them either' and went on with the conversation . BIL has been out since he was 18, he's 40 now, it's not a secret at all.
When we came home my H said 'You outing my brother like that, wow'
He said it's not a secret but it's not for you to go talking about my family to anyone, I didn't think it was an issue to be kept hidden, it certainly isn't to BIL and I don't think he'd be annoyed at me for mentioning it.
My H and BIL aren't that close, BIL lives in another country and in fact, BIL and I speak more often, get on better than he and H does.
So as not to dripfeed, their mom didn't take the fact he was gay very well and even now won't tell a lot of her friends, his partner is Bil's 'housemate'

Anyway, wibu to have mentioned it, maybe I was being careless and should have thought before I spoke?

H is really, really pissed off with me, sulking & not talking, ignoring me.

OP posts:

AfricanExport · 31/03/2013 17:44

I think you hubby may be homophobic and embarrassed about his brothers sexuality.

My sisters is gay and couldn't care who knows. I definitely don't think it's something we have to keep quiet about like it's some dirty secret.

Yanbu

Wishiwasanheiress · 31/03/2013 17:51

Bil has been out since 18 and he's 40 now? Shut the f....ront door! Ur dh is embarrassed. Hardly can be anything else.

No u are resoundly not bu.

Trinpy · 31/03/2013 17:56

I agree with StuntGirl and everyone else who has said similar - generally, I wouldn't think its too personal to mention that someone doesn't want kids, unless that person particularly wants to keep it a secret.

Wrt the relevance of the gay comment - BIL is gay and unlikely to have kids because of the fact he is gay. Occasionaly this comes up in conversation and I do tend to say 'its unlikely BIL will have children because he is gay'. However, BIL would like kids, so I don't know if I would mention his sexuality if the main reason for him not having children was that he simply didn't want any. I do see the relevance though.

I think your dh was BU to have an issue with his brother's sexuality being dropped into conversation. But, if you really did give such detailed explanations of why your sis and BIL won't have children, then you are also BU, and a bit strange

TravelinColour · 31/03/2013 18:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishtablet · 31/03/2013 18:23

Yes, I would be cross. I mean, 'my sister (or BIL) don't want children'- fine, no problem. But to go into the specifics I find very gossipy and odd, especially with a couple you've only know for four months.

Vicky2011 · 31/03/2013 18:49

I find the extent of your DH's reaction to this more worrying than his general opinion. I suspect, deep within himself, your DH would rather that his brother wasn't gay, for the reason you described - he felt that he had lost something growing up and it's highly likely that the dynamic between two brothers of different sexuality would be different than if the same two individuals were both straight, or both gay for that matter.

So basically I think there probably is some deep-seated homophobia behind this but nothing overt and quite possibly not even conscious. However, the way he has treated you since the incident and the going out for the day without saying anything is completely out of order and makes me think that he may have more of an issue than he dare admit. Unless controlling, passive aggressive behaviour is his normal modus operandi?

FierceBadIggi · 31/03/2013 19:49

YADNBU

complexnumber · 31/03/2013 20:01

maybe he cares for his brother in a way that you are too stupid to see.

NomNomDePlum · 31/03/2013 20:37

complexnumber - eh? treating his brother's life like a mucky little secret is an affectionate gesture?

pinkyredrose · 31/03/2013 21:20

maybe he cares for his brother in a way that you are too stupid to see.

complexnumber wtf? Care to elaborate because I don't know what you mean?

FierceBadIggi · 31/03/2013 21:40

Sounds like he cares for his brother in a quiet, embarrassed, don't-frighten-the-horses kind of way. Not sure how he feels for his wife, other than wanting to make her feel bad over nothing.

GreenEggsAndNichts · 31/03/2013 21:49

YANBU. His reaction implies that being homosexual is something shocking or embarrassing which should only be revealed to a very few people. Which leads me to believe he still has issues with his brother being gay.

Now, the problem with discussing having children etc is that it is an intrinsically personal conversation. Reasons for wanting children, or not wanting, or being able to have them physically, or not having a partner or being homosexual etc, it's all quite personal, imo. That's the only thing I can think which would excuse his reaction. Would he feel the same way if you'd revealed say, that his brother was unable to father children (in a hetero relationship)? If he would then I think he wasn't BU for being upset; he's just a private person.

Hope this makes sense.

BoneyBackJefferson · 31/03/2013 21:58

Maybe the DH is upset because his DB wants children and will never have them.

FakeHotCrossLobsters · 31/03/2013 22:30

"H is really, really pissed off with me, sulking & not talking, ignoring me."

"He has left to go out for the day presumably as he hasn't spoken to me since."

This is your bigger problem OP. This sulking and ignoring you to punish you for speaking about something that is "not your place" to discuss.

Would your BIL have told the neighbours the same thing if he had been there? Maybe it's something they didn't 'need' to know but I don't think you were wrong to tell them as part of a discussion if it's something your BIL would discuss openly.

We are often asked if we will have another child or if DS will be an only child. As it happens, he is not an only child but our first two babies, his siblings, both died and pregnancy is not straightforward for me. Having another child would not be easy as I am prone to problems in second and third Trimester. I will sometimes explain this to people but sometimes I do decide that they don't need to know. Usually it depends on how and where they ask.

But if my brother or SIL, or DH's brothers and sister and their partners, told one of their friends about us to explain why DS is an 'only' child I wouldn't feel it wasn't their place.

TiggyD · 31/03/2013 22:33

YANBU. Your husband has an issue with his bro being gay.

complexnumber · 01/04/2013 18:58

I would be so upset if my sibling's sexuality was being discussed over someone else's dinner party.

What's not to get?

motherinferior · 01/04/2013 19:17

It wasn't being discussed. It was mentioned. Quite a lot of people know I live with a bloke. I do not get huffy if this is mentioned. Same difference.

motherinferior · 01/04/2013 19:20

Come to that I quite often mention the fact my sister is a lesbian (and has two children). It is not exactly a big secret. If I don't mention the fact that her sons' other parent is a woman they assume she is straight which she doesn't particularly want them to assume as she doesn't consider her choice of partner something that should be kept a discreet secret.

GreenEggsAndNichts · 01/04/2013 19:24

yes. The point here is that the DH is upset that his brother's homosexuality has come up. We speak of sexuality all the time. If OP had said "DH's brother and his wife have decided not to have children", I suspect the DH wouldn't have blinked. It's "DH's brother and his husband decided not to adopt children" and that made him upset.

And that's the problem. Homosexuality is being treated as if it's something we don't disclose in the course of a normal conversation.

I suspect these people she mentioned it to couldn't care less.

complexnumber · 01/04/2013 19:27

It's certainly not 'the same difference'
But
The op stated;

"Anyway, wibu to have mentioned it, maybe I was being careless and should have thought before I spoke?"

Which, to me, means it was brought to the wider discussion.

Either she told everyone about her DB's sexuality or she didn't.

She did without consent, so she is certainly being unreasonable.

FierceBadIggi · 01/04/2013 19:42

The only reason you disagree with the 'same difference' example used Complex is because you think sexual orientation is ok to mention if it is heterosexual (my brother's wife went to Borneo) but not if homosexual. Or if someone asked you if dcs had any cousins, would your reply be to say "I can't possibly make any comment as it would reveal something about their sexuality? Madness.

FierceBadIggi · 01/04/2013 19:46

I wouldn't mention someone being gay if it was to, for example, their boss, in case they turned out to be homophobic. But OP's BIL is in a different continent and unlikely to experience any prejudice from the neighbours..

harpsichordcarrier · 01/04/2013 19:47

YANBU
I would say, quite casually to anyone at all really 'my SIL's husband' or 'my sister's husband' - thereby 'revealing' their sexuality.
To you, sexuality isn't an issue, or a secret. That's why you didn't think twice about it.
'Revealing' someone is gay is only 'a bad' or even notable thing if being gay is also a 'bad' thing. To you, and to all decent people, it is morally neutral. Frankly, this reflects well on you imo.

Theicingontop · 01/04/2013 19:54

I had a similar problem with my brother. I was at my mother's house with 3yo DS, and my younger brother was there with his new boyfriend. DS asked who 'the man' was, and I said, that's Uncle N's boyfriend.

Older brother gives me a lift home and has a catsbumface about me telling DS that he was younger brother's boyfriend. "You could have just told him his name, didn't have to point out their relationship to one another"

I think when you tiptoe around someone's sexuality, if they're fine and open about it, it's just insulting. It is the way it is, and if someone has a problem about it, it's their issue.

motherinferior · 01/04/2013 19:55

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