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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it fair that I am paying hen do costs for those who dropped out?

78 replies

Mashedupbanana · 30/03/2013 21:17

I've been invited to a friend's hen do. Her bridesmaids emailed the dates a couple of months ago and estimation of cost at £150pp but were hoping to bring the cost down.
Around 9 replied to say they would attend, however no one was asked for a deposit and we didn't hear any more about the hen until last week.
The bridesmaids booked accommodation and activities (non refundable) based on the 9 but since emailing to say what is now planned some have now dropped out (with good reasons).
The bridesmaids are now splitting the cost of those who have dropped out between those remaining. This seems reasonable enough but the cost has gone up by a further £100 each.
I had agreed to going based on it being £150 not £250 (and that doesn't include the night out).
As I work part time, in total this hen do will be half my monthly wages :-/
If I could, I would now not go, but I'm sorely aware this would push the price up again for everyone and would be really unfair.
I can't really think of a fair solution to this. If the bridesmaids had asked for a deposit before booking it would have been muh simpler, but its too late for that now. What should happen and what would you do?

OP posts:
Mia4 · 31/03/2013 11:41

YANBU they said max £150, they should have checked and got deposits in advance or used one of the many online places where you organise all and pay your own deposit- to confirm place-and then the rest in installments.

Other people are probably PO at the cost too and may drop out, does that mean they'll charge you more? £150 if it's all inclusive is pretty decent, I know i went on one that was £200 for four days including all food and drink and club and spa but if it's not you're looking at forking out even more on top of that.

Tell them in the nicest way possible to jog on. You do not book these things without def confirmation and deposits. You certainly don't expect people to foot the bill for your mistake. And if they want to get technical they should ask the dropouts to pay a deposit to cover but tbh it's too late now and they should have got it earlier and confirmed.

RenterNomad · 31/03/2013 17:12

If I were the bride, I would be mortified by my bridesmaids' incompetence and insensitivity, and would be having strong words with them for alienating my friends. If she isn't paying for herself already (a practice I abhor), now would be a good time for her to do that, and keep her remaining friends.

ImperialBlether · 31/03/2013 17:16

I'm sure if you said to the bride, "Listen, I'm going to lose a couple of hundred pounds here. Would you prefer the cash or my company?" she'd have her hand out pretty quickly.

GrowSomeCress · 31/03/2013 18:10

That is ridiculous - the whole hen/stag culture is getting OTT now.

LIZS · 31/03/2013 18:14

How many have dropped out ? Must be almost half for that sort of increase. Agree just tell the bride it is beyond your budget now.

PurpleBlossom · 31/03/2013 19:18

How ridiculous.

The bridesmaids sound like a bunch of numpties and I'd want to know exactly what the other plans are, to check they haven't ballsed-up anything else.

I'd also only be paying the agreed £150 and if they complained dropping out too!

Please tell us the activity is OP?? I need to know! Grin

Original poster
Mashedupbanana · 31/03/2013 20:09

The activity is 'Its a Knock Out' which I'm sure will be fun and the bride is really keen on and this is the only thing she stipulated doing, it's a min of 8 to go so we have to stump up for the ones not going.

I am now the only one who is not a bridesmaid / close family. The bride is v generous and I'm sure will be paying for the dresses, shoes, hotel for these others at the wedding so they probably don't mind paying a bit more for the hen do. I'm going to email tonight to say I just can't go over £250 total and see what they suggest. Thanks for all your help, I was thinking maybe I was being a bit of a misery guts Grin

OP posts:
JammySplodger · 31/03/2013 20:31

Say you can't go over £200 and see what they say.

In terms of the activity, can;t they see if they can get some other friends or family along, including blokes?

JammySplodger · 31/03/2013 20:32

Though even £200 for one weekend is still alot to ask!

WhoKnowsWhereTheChocolateGoes · 31/03/2013 20:41

You sound like a very good friend. You'd have to pay me about £250 to get me to do It's a Knockout!

Floggingmolly · 31/03/2013 21:20

£250 each to do It's a Knockout... Why, in the name of God, why?

Snazzynewyear · 31/03/2013 21:39

Tell them you can only pay the £150 for the activity and will have to drop out if it costs any more. I take it you haven't yet handed over any money? They will have to either split it between the others or chase the drop outs for their share.

If all the others sticking with it will get their hotel room and stuff paid for at the wedding, but you won't, I would be even more insistent that £150 is your limit.

JammySplodger's suggestion is good - they need to get more people to fill the spaces.

Original poster
Mashedupbanana · 31/03/2013 23:29

The £250 is for 2 nights accommodation, it's a knockout and some food. We can't get others to join us for the activity as its a good few hours from where anyone lives (hence the hotel).
Right I've sent email saying I can't go above £250 total and I'll see what they say.

OP posts:
Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 31/03/2013 23:43

It is bloody absurd to spend that amount of money on a weekend away for someone that is about to get married. What happened to the old night on the town thing?

Absolutely bloody ridiculous.

ImperialBlether · 01/04/2013 11:17

I think you're absolutely mad to pay half of your monthly wage on a hen weekend and I think the bride and bridesmaids are out of their minds, too.

Is it something like this? They say you have to have eight there anyway, so your numbers would be too low to do it. They also allow you to cancel. When is the hen weekend?

JammySplodger · 01/04/2013 11:28

I would actually let them know, either by e-mail or drop it into conversation, that it's half your monthly wage. It might well be peanuts for them.

WinkBingo · 01/04/2013 18:01

I thought you couldn't go as high as £250? Confused

I wouldn't be subbing everyone else with my hard-earned because of someone else's mistake.

You started off NBU, now, I think YABU by chucking your money away. Confused

expatinscotland · 01/04/2013 18:20

'As I work part time, in total this hen do will be half my monthly wages :-/
If I could, I would now not go, but I'm sorely aware this would push the price up again for everyone and would be really unfair.'

Is someone holding a gun to your head and forcing you to attend? You work part-time and she wants £250+ for a fucking hen do? 'No,' is a complete sentence.

EmmaDale · 01/04/2013 18:41

I simply wouldn't go. I feel sorry for the Bride but I don't think that the organisers have done her any favours.

From the info you've given, it doesn't sound as if you can comfortably afford to spend £250. It is a heck of a lot of money for a Hen do.

I detest the fashion for extended Hen celebrations - a night out is great but I honestly don't want to spend a lot of money or time with 9 other random women whilst I pretend to enjoy drinking silly amounts of alcohol, screechy loud conversations (with fake laughter) and pink girly stuff!.

As expat said, no is a complete sentence.

Hissy · 01/04/2013 19:11

Are you absolutely sure that deposits have actually been paid.

We had a thread last year where all the above and it turned out there was no deposit paid.

Call the venue.

musicismylife · 02/04/2013 12:11

Hi op, I remember a similar thread about a hen do where the bride to be was caught out.

Hissy, I think we could be on about the same one. Usually accommodation is refundable within reasonable notice.

houseworkhater · 02/04/2013 12:26

What a nightmare.

I have never been on a do where I didn't have to pay a deposit. How silly was the bridesmaid to book without full deposits.

I also don't hold with this business of price increases, a quote is a quote. It is so unfair to add on an extra £100 for someone's hen do!!!!

Seriously people there are so many threads like this why feel the need to be so excessive?

Have a meal and a drink in a pub.

SavoyCabbage · 02/04/2013 12:28

I would call the venue too and try to overthrow the whole thing from the inside.

FryOneFatManic · 02/04/2013 12:30

I, too, read this and thought about that previous thread. I certainly wouldn't be parting with money without any evidence of actual costs and any money paid out by organisers.

houseworkhater · 02/04/2013 12:30

Oh I've also organised lots of trips to the theatre.

I have never exceeded the quote.

Simply ring the theatre get a quote and seat availability. Then ring the mini bus company get a quote and min/max seat numbers, relay this info. Get numbers with the full amount needed to secure the event. Book event. If someone pulls out you have their money and can try and sell their place, if not, no loss as all money collected.

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