to think sis is out of order?

[appletarts]

I left dd (3yrs old) with sister all day and she was recovering from being ill, dd that is. She has only spent time alone with sis once before and not all day. Just as I was leaving sister said she hoped I wouldn't be phoning a lot, I said I would phone as much as I felt I needed to and she said that if I did she didn't want to look after dd (all this with dd standing there!). I said I would phone if I felt I needed to because I am her mother and she said laughing oh well I won't answer it then!! She also went on and on about taking dd to library when dd was still a bit ill.

The next day dd said that sis didn't cuddle her when she cried. I thought it sounded a bit odd but sis can also be very frosty. So I asked sis what dd had said and sis said she did cuddle her and she thinks in future we ought to pay a nanny as I am "suspicious and anxious" and she can't just get on with enjoying babysitting. I honestly thought she'd say of course she had cuddled her and we'd have a giggle about dd being a bit of a minx. I didn't feel suspicious and anxious but want to feel I can call to see how they are doing and if dd tells me something has happened I will ask cos that's what a good mother does surely?!

She has only babysat for dd a couple of times in 3 years. She plays lots of mind games with us and I think her responses here are odd to say the least.

Babysitter makes the rules? Are you real? When I look after people dcs they trust me enough to know how I do things is ok for them to leave their dcs with. I wouldn't sit for you again. sis was very capable of getting in touch with you if there was an emergency, anything else and surely you trusted her judgement on how to spend the day ? You do sound a bit of a nightmare.

Just to be clear- YANBU

Thank you kotinka! Since when has it been unreasonable to check in with child when hundreds of miles away and child is recovering from illness...pah!

Of course you had to agree with the lone voice.

OTT to keep phoning. Your sis would phone you if there was an issue.

I dont believe babysitters should dictate, but use their judgement as to whether a phone-call is necessary or not.

Over-anxious mothers are not good for childrens development, i cant see what such frequent calls would achieve other than reinforcing to your dc that she was not actually in a safe place.

I think YABU.

Not because you wanted to know how DD was, but because of what you said about checking with DD? She is 3 and you sound like you wanted to question her on what she sister did/said?

It sounds like your sister said what she said because she anticipated lots of calls from you. That would imply that you would do this sort of checking up whether she was ill or not.

It is very easy to pass on anxiousness to children, that then can make the child anxious and isn't a good thing.

I would suggest you work on your feelings of anxiousness and try to get on top of them.

Asking for a favour and the dictating terms isn't really the way to go. I think I'd probably decline.

Also that 'checking' with your DD, be careful with that too, that could lead to some manipulative behavior when your DD clocks on to the fact that her answers to your questioning have some sway.

If I were OP sister I'd be too busy to babysit for about, oooh, the next 12 years.....

It would depend how often you were phoning. I normally text to check on my children. I don't get much time when at work and a grandparent is looking after a sick child, so a text is quicker and less hassle.

But really instead of drip feeding you should have said all your drip feeding follow ups in the OP.

Oh what a load of nonsense. I will stick in future to the lovely friends I have who sit for us and answer the phone happily and follow mums instructions. I feel sorry for you lot who have sitters who do it their way and not yours!

YABU - if you want to dictate terms, pay someone - if someone is doing you a favour, it's not down to you to dictate how the favour is done.

this is why family doing childcare always looks like a good option (mainly because it's free) but it's on the understanding you as the parent give up a lot more control than you would if you paid someone ot look after your DC.

Next time, pay a babysitter.

Seems to me your sister expected you to be anxious and suspicious. Are you known for being a bit precious with your dc?

And... don't you see that if you are asking someone for a favour, then you have to be a bit flexible with what suits them?

And... you mentioned your dd can be a bit of a minx, so surely you need to give your sister credit for dealing with that too?

(methinks some evidence of family traits here ...)

And... Why didn't you thank Apileofballyhoo when you thanked Kotinka? Her post is quite fervently standing up for you....

I think your sister sounds cold. If I had to take a child to hospital and therefore had to leave my other child with someone who they didn't have a particularly close relationship with, I would want to check in every few hours just to reassure myself that all is well. I'd also want to have a little chat to my child on the phone, because 9 hours is a long time when you are 3 and your mum isn't there and you don't really know your babysitter.

I think telling the OP to book a nanny next time was especially bitchy given the OP was at hospital, not out having a good time.

It's not that the sitters do it their way, it's just that no one else leaves their child with someone they don't trust, so don't need to call several times.

erm... I have NEVER phoned my sitters, other than informing them if I am running late coming home.

Dictating what the do with your child is different from checking up on them making a point you dont trust them. Very rude.

Hamandsam said what I was trying to say.

Thank you for your passive aggressive pity but its quite unnecessary since my DC are 16 and 17 and no longer require babysitters.
And when you are as long in the tooth as me, you will look back on your OP and cringe

HamAlive !!!!!

I still can't get over the idea of my sister having to 'follow instructions' on how to look after my kids. I too am long in the tooth - Mum to 2 adults, auntie to 17 Nannie to 5, great aunty to 12 and run a toddler group,I too think that when you have more experience you will cringe at your OP. Or do you think you are right always? didn't really want to hear whether you were BU or not and just wanted us to say your sister was?

I think you're getting a fairly accurate picture of how most people would feel, OP. If you don't trust someone, don't leave your child with them. If you choose to leave your child with them, don't make a nuisance of yourself by interrupting them with overly-frequent calls. They have lives, too.

If someone is doing you a favour, they're not staff, and if you treat them as though they are, they won't be doing you any favours again.

I didn't say I didn't trust her, I did and do. I phoned 3 times, once to see if she had settled in, once to tell sis how to use thermometer (couldn't work it) and once to say we were on our way back. I don't think that is anxious and didn't feel anxious. Didn't leave instructions, what for?! I am saying that I think a mother ought to feel free to phone her child when child is in the care of someone else. I think a paranoid mind would think I was checking up, a sensible mind would think I was checking in. Sis is capable and kind to dd BUT is very unaffectionate and physically frosty. DD said when she cried sister didn't hug her, I didn't question her over things she volunteered this info. TBH I was too busy with other child who had been to hospital.