Pls all come tell me my MIL is a wonderful individual, and I simply don't understand her - very long

[NayFindus]

MIL has a problem with gifts, which makes family gatherings - birthdays, Christmas, weddings etc - increasingly hard. To give you some background: when dh and I met 10 years ago she invited us for Christmas dinner, so off I go choosing stuff I think she'll like and enter her home with dh (then dp) and 2 gifts. She looks from one package to the other, standing in her kitchen doorway cos that's where she was when we arrived, then back again, her face slowly going puce, and then hands clenched she shouts 'No! I give the presents! You don't give the presents - I GIVE THE PRESENTS!!! I might have walked in all smiley saying 'Merry Christmas', but apart from that, that was the entire conversation. Then about 6 years ago we were invited to dh's cousins for Christmas, dh, MIL and I, and MIL insisted that they didn't do presents, gifts were for children and they would be utterly embarrassed if we got them anything, so of course we didn't, they'd got us wine all gift wrapped and we were totally embarrassed. To make up for it I got them a little round rug as they were worried about computer chair ruining new wooden flooring. They were visiting MIL and dh and I were to join them after work, well we did but they'd already gone, not sure why as they usually stayed til 7pm and we arrived 4pm. 'What's that' MIL asks of rolled up rug in a bag so stupidly, stupidly I takes it out and shows her and she says 'I'll have it!' and grabs it off me so greedily that I'm knocked off balance a bit. And of course like a mug I just let her. When their dd was 2 and 3 years old, she said they didn't want anything because they were too busy to have a birthday party - they had birthday parties - and that besides she was sending a gift acrd 'from all of us'. When another of dh's cousins had cancer and asked for donations to cancer research she went nuts saying we couldn't donate because 'you don't ask for money, that's disgusting', but no we couldn't send her a nice Hermes scarf because she'd already sent a bunch of flowers from all of us. Then at some point she said to dh, about him sending the nieces of another, and closest cousin, birthday money every year 'why you give for them the money, you're making a fool of yourself. Do you know how much more than you they earn?' And dh completely assumed that this must have come from his cousin and that he had instigated it. Otherwise why would his dear old Mum be saying this? Cousin had no idea, whole family still p'd off and we had no idea till little comments such as 'oh the girls are so grateful for whatever they receive, no matter how small' last Christmas when we were over, we hadn't really realised until last year. So when dh clocked that actually his Mother was pulling the wool over his eyes as well, he was a bit gutted. You may have noticed from the above sentence that dh's Mum is foreign although dh was brought up here, so it's very easy for her to say they do things differently and for us to believe. But it's got to the point where we just don't want to do family occasions at all anymore. Obviously MIL hates me tremendously for stealing her precious one and only child, but it's pretty much impossible to gloss all this over.

Big family wedding this year of one of the nieces his Mum got him to stop sending birthday money to, we've agreed how much to send but dh is vehement he's not sending anything just yet and continually says he doesn't know what will happen before then. Birthday of other cousins daughter month before. Birthday of our daughter month after. We've agreed it would be best not to do birthdays anymore but don't know how to broach this. Even last year when the other cousins 2nd daughter had her 1st birthday she was telling me not to get them anything because she'd got a gift card but I said I'd got her stuff already, and I got them loads of stuff for Christmas but the damage is done.

How do we just bail out forever?

Gonna hit create conversation button before I can chicken out posting (again)

I think you need to sit your DH down and say not giving gifts for things like weddings, christmas and children's birthdays is unusual and not the norm in the UK, just becaus that's his mum's tradition doesn't mean you have to follow it. That DH can opt out of doing it if he wants, but you won't be rude and will be sending gifts. (For the wedding, I'd just straight out ask if there's a gift list)

You also need to cut MIL out of the loop for family - can you not get people's addresses and post things directly to them or if you are going to them, put something in your bag then hand it directly to them, not via MIL? Just because she says 'no gifts' doesn't mean you need to listen to her. For family DCs, you could call/text/e-mail/FB message the parents a week or so beforehand and ask if there's anything in particular they want for their DCs, that way if they really don't want anything they can say to you "oh, don't worry about doing gifts" and you've heard it from them.

If she's done something 'from all of you' there is nothing to stop you also sending something yourself on top of that, you don't have to tell her you're doing this. So what if it puts her nose out of joint, what she's trying to do is be the only one who's considerate, she's stopping you do it so that it makes her look better. Also by still being able to be the one who sends things 'from her family', it stops people seeing DH as now in his own family with you, which takes precident over his relationship with her.

Tell your DH he's a grown man now, his mum doesn't get to control the relationships he has with his family unless he wants her too.

You let your mil be far too involved

You and your dh are grown ups, send gifts to who you want to. Remind him he doesn't have to do what mummy says anymore, he's a grown up!

If MIL is from an Asian culture then the culture is as follows:

1. Younger relatives do not give presents to older relatives: flowers are acceptable, as are 'sweets' or home made biscuits etc. Your MIL's duty is to provide you with presents such as clothes etc and jewellry at least twice a year. She isn't really supposed to give your DH anything now even though he is her son as he is now a married wage earner.
2. It is polite to suggest cheaper ideas for presents from older Asians as they will always want to give what they cannot actually afford. Jewellry and clothes should be shopped for together, the budget having been predetermined.
3. Older Asians have difficulty letting go, which ultimately screws up succession planning. All younger Asians talk to each other, and bypass the oldies, whilst at the same time paying respectful lip service and asking the oldies for 'advice' on decisions already made.
4. The acceptable birthday present for cousins etc is a ten pound book token and a card.
5. There is no culture for giving presents when arriving at birthday parties as it is considered that the guests arrival is a present itself. The acceptable alternative is a factual children's hardback with a suitable greeting inscribed inside.

hope this helps.

Forgot to say that your DH is supposed to 'look after' your MIL and PIL in their old age.

Although good advice, not all Asian cultures are the same. My PIL love a cash gift, love to give it, and prefer to receive them than an physical gift (they just get regifted to someone else!).

They also love to know exactly what other people have given you so they can make sure that tot it up and make sure that they haven't given you less than we have them (if that makes sense). It's all about keeping up with the jones' and crucially what other people think. And of course karma and other crazy superstitions.

But no matter what culture you're in, the in laws are always a little bit bonkers!

Erm think this might be a wind up thread!

See, I knew somebody would think this is a windup when I posted MoYerBoat, I thought the first thing people would say is oh look, a troll. It just doesn't seem likely does it? And I try to picture scenarios in my head, like next birthday party maybe I could say 'yeah you know when you told dh he was making a fool of himself giving birthday money? He was really hurt by that. Why did you say that?' in front of everybody. But in real life, would she admit it? Would she go apeshit? Would dh? Or would I just look like a nasty shit stirring bitch? Or maybe if she asked for back up on some conversation we'd had (long shot, but it happens) I could say 'I don't know - everything you ever say to me is either wrong or nasty.' To which of course she would look all hurt and surprised and say 'What do you mean', at which point I could say 'well, there's the time when I first started going out with dh when you told me you hated my guts, and I was just after him for his house. Then you invited your entire family over for a garden party. In his house. Or there's the time you invited us over for Christmas dinner... and the time when dh cousin had cancer.... what about other cousins birthday parties they didn't have....oh but hang on. When you talk about the weather, and washing your walls? THAT'S just boring.....'

No she's not Asian. She's European.

Posted too soon. I meant to add that's how it would go, in my head. I could just reel off the mental things she's done. But who's going to sound more like a loon - her or me?

Sorry for the guessing game, not that it matters, but is she Italian?

In any case, buy whatever you like for whomever you like. And don't take any phony "I don"t know what you mean" shit from her. She's gotten away with bad behaviour long enough because of it. Just because she 'doesn't remember' doesn't mean it never happened.

It really doesn't matter how it is 'done' in her culture - you are from a culture where you give your own presents . The fact that cousins have stopped going via MIL but are now coming to you/DH directly just confirms that you should ignore her and do your own thing.

But you do need to bitchslap persuade your husband to man up and cut the apron strings. Visit her, yes. Do what she says - no.

I was going for Italian as well, ex bf is Italian, his mother hated my guts due to being British even though she was born here, also had weird ideas about presents.

Would go crazy if bought presents for birthdays or xmas's

bonkers.
go behind her back. give presents. send them. don't wind her up, just quietly go your own way.

I was a 'foreigner' when I married german DH and went to live there. The germans shook hands at every greeting and goodbye, even with siblings and parents. Although I found this rather formal , I conformed not to appear rude and embarrass DH . .

It is a matter of the old adage " when in Rome, do as the romans do".
Your MIL is out of order.
Also in Germany and all other continental countries, blood line children are by law obliged to look after, including financially, their parents.