To feel really upset about friend?

[extremepie]

Ok, 2 DF's were engaged until recently - last week they had a huge fight and, after some nasty messages back and forth on Facebook, they broke up.

Earlier today I got a message from female DF (let's call her X) telling me she has moved away. No further info, no "goodbye nice knowing you" just I've moved away.

I've asked her where she has gone in a friendly, conversational kind of way and got no response.

AIBU to feel really upset, not just because she has moved away but because she didn't bother to tell me anything about it and still hasn't despite my attempts to ask how she is and what she is doing (trying to take an interest in her life).

I know she is hurting at the moment but I can't believe that she would just cut me out of her life so quickly and easily after how close we've gotten over the last few months - we used to live in the same house and would talk about everything.

I've recently moved far away from all the family and friends and she was the first person I've really become friends with since moving to this new area and I'm so sad that I've lost her now :(

Add to that the fact that she was the only person I had to go out with on the weekends, which was the only thing I really do for myself for fun, and I feel like I have lost a huge chunk of my life and I'm also inexplicably angry at her for leaving me alone here :(

I really do hope she is happy in her new life as it is obvious she wanted a fresh start but I just wish she hadn't cut me off like this :(

OK that sounds like you have a lot on your plate which means it's hard to keep perspective. Take a deep breath it's too early to assume that you have lost an important friend forever. The dynamics may have changed but it's not to say you won't have her in your life anymore.

As hard as it may be let her know she has your full support and that you are there when she is ready and then just wait. If she is a genuinely good friend you won't have lost her, but you may risk losing her if you give her the sense that she hasn't done right by you.

Walter and icelolly, as i said before I am not needy, insensitive, selfish, egotistical, egocentric, high maintenance or any of the other choice phrases people have used to judge describe me on this thread - I am simply upset that I am not going to be able to see my friend anymore (if that is ok with you?)

I was more to her than simply an 'ex housemate'.

I have not, and will not even bring 'me' up when and if I talk to her, she has enough going on right now without me making her feel guilty or more upset - like I said I just want don't want her to feel alone, like I did when I first moved away. Like you said, hopefully she will know I am there and talk to me when and if she wants or needs to.

Reread your posts (especially the first couple) and see how much of it is I feel, I think, I've lost the only person I have to hang out with, that's why people think you are selfish and insensitive. She's going through a massive life change and you're complaining that "she was the only person I had to go out with on the weekends, which was the only thing I really do for myself for fun, and I feel like I have lost a huge chunk of my life and I'm also inexplicably angry at her for leaving me alone here :( ". Selfish selfish selfish. And then you try to pass it off as caring about her and wanting to be there for her!

extremepie, people say awful things in the heat of the moment to hurt each other when they themselves are feeling hurt. Have you thought of the possibility the ex-boyfriend brought you into it, and maybe said you had done something to hurt her that you haven't? Or even done something with him?

I'm not saying you have, just that's the way break ups go.

Perhaps you could go out and make some nice new friends, and many so the absence of one doesn't hurt so much?

Perhaps she has no internet access yet, or has swapped her phone so her ex doesn't have her number anymore.

She might take a short while to settle herself and her son into their new surroundings and then get in touch once the shock of the breakup has worn off a bit.

OP she was and hopefully still is a good friend and I'm sure it would come as a shock to anyone if someone they were close to just upped and moved away without a word. I know you are posting here about your feelings but I think it's unfair to suggest you are being selfish and not thinking about her and what she is going through. You can still be concerned and upset for her and hope that she's alright and at the same time feel upset on your own behalf because your friendship was important to you and you don't know what the future may hold for it.

You've just made a big move yourself and had just started to settle in to your new life, finding your feet and making a good friend. Now that has changed very rapidly and without warning and it is understandably upsetting. That doesn't mean you don't care about what your friend is going through to make her decide to leave.

I hope she gets in touch soon and that both of you are alright.

OP I think your anxiety is understandable, but your posts are full of how you feel and what you want.
Calm down. Your mate will be licking her wounds. None of this will be personal to you...you just aren't her top priority at the moment. Give her time to come round after the break up.

Get over yourself OP, after a breakdown of her relationship and moving away you will be the last thing on her mind understandably.

As for people 'judging you' you posted in AIBU so you have asked to me judged.

Wait for her to contact you and when she eventually does be there for her.

I really doubt that is the case nay but it is possible I suppose..

Sneezing, of course my posts are going to be 'I think' and 'I feel', I'm the one writing the bloody things!

I'm really not going to waste my time justifying myself or my feelings to you, you don't know me, or her, or the situation so tbh you can judge away all you like I really couldn't care less - I know I am not a selfish, egotistical blah blah person but, like I said feel free to make your wrong judgements about me and I will feel free to totally ignore you.

You have chosen to post in Aibu. It is probably the harshest place for comments. Saying that,I think people have been pretty fair. You may have got slightly different answers in other parts such as chat/relationships.
I agree with sneezing on this one.

Btw that was directed at sneezing, not any of the rest of you!

Thanks you for those of you that understood what I'm trying to say have been supportive - Fake you have if exactly right, just feeling like I've had the rug pulled from under me but I know things will be worse for her and I want to be there for her.

I understand her priorities lie elsewhere right now, as they should, now I have gotten over the shock slightly I will back away and let her get on with things and get to me in her own time :)

Yes but AIBU also has the highest traffic and the best likelihood of getting some answers, doesn't automatically mean people can be as cruel and nasty as they like! I have seen some really horrible things posted to OP's in AIBU before (not to me personally, but still) that were really uncalled for. There is just no need for it, especially when MN is some people's main or only outlet for advice or conversation!

Op I think yanbu and people have been really harsh to you! I think it's understandable how you're feeling. I didn't get from your posts that you are full on, selfish or any of the rest that people are saying. You care about your friend and are worried about how she's doing and understandably worried about losing her from your life, I think that's normal! I agree though that she probably has too much on her plate at the moment to be focusing too much on contacting her friends,as maybe she needs some space, but I would also be a bit concerned if my bf moved away and didn't explain it or anything.

Thank you :)

Seeing as you posted in AIBU, where the main aim is for people to judge whether you are being unreasonable, especially when you ask them to do so, I shall judge away quite freely and don't really need specific permission. It seems you are yet another OP who chooses to ignore anyone with a bit of common sense who thinks YABU as all you ever really wanted was people supporting you in being a pretty shitty friend. Whining about how your friends relationship breakdown is affecting you is very selfish. I couldn't imagine being "inexplicably angry" at a friend for moving away suddenly after a surprise relationship breakdown. I'd be more worried about her than how it would be affecting my life.

I guess I'm just worried that I've done something to upset her as she wasn't her usual chatty self when she messaged me, it was pretty much one word answers.

Seriously...??!

You're genuinely wondering why she's being like this, and assuming it's to do with you....?

I'm afraid I'm another one who's very much read this thread the same way Sneezing, et al has.

Maybe try re-reading the thread yourself, and try to see objectively how you're coming across to outsiders.

Don't get me wrong - I empathise with you re moving to a new place and not knowing people and trying to make friends - I know just how hard that is. I understand that you're frightened by the fact that the one friend you've had has (probably only temporarily) gone underground...

But you've turned practically every aspect of this back onto how it's affecting you and are not showing much empathy yourself for what your friend is currently going through.

Whatever sneezing! I'm bored of you now..

Do you know why they broke up? She might have been seeing someone else (only might have!) and think that everyone will shun her when they find out what happened, so she is pre-empting that and getting away.

Similarly, when my ex dumped me I felt ashamed, which is stupid I know, but I really didn't want to talk about what I saw as my gargantuan failure with anyone. I just wanted to hide under a rock.

You've sent her the supportive messages, that's probably all you can do at the moment. She can get it touch when she feels ready.

It wasn't exactly a 'surprise' relationship breakdown, they had broken up 3 times in about 9 months, she had moved out several times before and they argued constantly - it wasn't a good relationship and to be honest they are probably going to be better off apart. That's what makes this such a shock as all the other times they have broken up or moved out things have been different and she has come to me to talk about it - this is just so drastic and final!

It is possible balloon but I dont think so :)

I think they both saw the relationship breaking down eventually, I don't mean that to sound harsh but they were just too volatile as a couple and I think they both knew it.

I know she is really upset about it though, she moved in with him almost straight away and got engaged very quickly so I think she is worried about people saying 'I told you so' and such like - that's why I want to be there to support her but, like has been said already I will just have to wait for her to be ready :)

I think you need to develop YOU and stop looking for people to fill emotional voids in your life. You say you're in a new area and sound as though you're trying to force friendships. As adults genuine friendships are often slow burners.

Take a step back and work on your inner feelings of self-worth because right now people are going to run from you, not embrace you and I honestly mean that in the nicest possible way even though it sounds a bit mean.

Do you see what I mean? If you're clinging on to people and banging on about your lack of friends/family/entertainment/son - well let's face it - don't sound a barrel of laughs do you and NOBODY wants a pity friend - what I mean is you don't want the sort of friend who is your friend because they feed off your misery and perceived ineptitude. So try and find a hobby and work on your self-esteem so you become a more interesting person to be around and you'll care less. It's very easy to fall in to the desperate trap - you know like if you're single and men run a mile!

As for your friend - give her time, she's probably got better things to be worrying about right now.

Maybe this is the kick up the bum you need to start making your life more satisfying in each and every way. X

Of course she cares about her friend. She is just also scared of losing her and wanted to talk to someone about this.

But met with the usual barrage of nastiness from keyboard warriors.

I would give it time OP, I do hope you hear from her soon.

I can see you're feeling a bit bruised by the responses here, OP, but I don't think anyone is saying anything wrong. AIBU would be pointless if all responses were intended to soothe and confirm. I think the point if it is to look behind the words and tease out another point of view.

And I know you don't want to hear this, but your posts are about how a crisis in your friend's life affects you. Even if you only want to support her, that's still about you needing her to turn to you and reconfirm the depth and strength of your friendship.

If you really want what's best for her, accept she needs space and back off.

And don't start threads in AIBU unless you're ready for tough talk.

She may be depressed. I have a very good friend that I often meet up with, go for lunch etc. Earlier this year I would text her and get no reply or a bit of a brush off. I was worried about her and thought she may be depressed. The other day she text and we met for lunch. I told her I had been worried about her and asked if she had been a bit depressed - she had. She just couldnt face contact with people, she found it too overwhelming. So I know that if she gets like that it's not something I or anyone else has done, she just needs time to pull herself out of it. We are good enough friends that I will accept that and she knows I will accept that and our friendship will never suffer.

OP, probably without realising it, you do sound a bit selfish and self-focused. Sorry.

You are, understandably focusing on your relationship as clearly it is of supreme importance to you, given your apparent isolation. The way I have read your posts, you are very scared of losing the friendship, and whilst you"want to be there for her" I think you want to do that because that somehow endorses your friendship.

If you are a real, true friend, you will give her space and time to give your friend the chance to get used to the split, and workout what she is going to do. If you mean something to her, she will be in touch in due course (maybe today, maybe next month, depending on how she is coping). If it is later, rather than sooner,please, please don't give her a hard time about it - she will very raw, and will have to deal with everything in her own way.

If she does not get back in touch, I know it will hard for you, but it probably means that the friendship meant more to you than it did to her. This is a horrible feeling, and if this is the case I'm very sorry OP, but you can do nothing other than keep going out to meet new people.

But for now, it's a waiting game - please don't harass her.

Hope things work out.