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Original poster

to as what would you do in this scenario (friendships related)?

53 replies

MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket · 27/03/2013 10:10

Ok, I have been friends with a group of other women for about 5 years. We all meet up regularly. One friend, lets call her Friend A, is the alpha female of the group. She is quite self absorbed, demanding and is actually quite unpleasant a lot of the time, both behind peoples' backs and sometimes to their faces. One girl in particular she gives a very hard time to as this girls' husband has been out of work for a while and they are on benefits.

Friend A will also seem to be picking on one person at a time, for a few weeks, with her backstabbing and nastiness. She will even go as far as to go on Facebook and do a group chat about that person, excluding that person of course, and try to get others on side and to back her up. Often too she will stir up a hornet's nest, and then say she's got too much going on in her life to be involved, or say that it's nothing to do with her. For example at Christmas our group did a secret santa, and Friend A decided the gift that one friend got from another girl (who was Friend A's bullying victim at the time) wasn't up to scratch and then started having a go at the sender of the gift, and got an argument going between the sender and the recipient then made out it was nothing to do with her. Friend A also tells people that others have said things when it was in fact her that said the negative things, not others.

In recent months, several other members of the group have spoken to me and said she's upset them, they dislike her, and they wish there was a way we could arrange meet ups without her.

Anyway, I have always stayed on good terms with Friend A. I've kept out of bitching, and basically just gone along to the group meets, as I've enjoyed the company of the others. However, at a recent night out she was giving someone her opinion, which was actually just an excuse to be rude and bitchy, and she, out of the blue said "MiniEggsJumped agrees with me and said the same things!" which was totally untrue. The person being picked on was really hurt and seemed cross with me, so I said "Actually no, I didn't say any of those things. you seem to have a habit of making things up and causing trouble", at which point Friend A burst into tears, and one friend, the one who is on benefits and has been given a terrible time by friend A, actually leapt to her defence, and started verbally attacking me. I walked out, and went home.

I heard from one person later that night, who agreed with me and said she was going to stop meeting with the group. Apart from her, I've heard from a few others, who have all basically sided with Friend A. These are all women that she has upset and who have said they dislike her and wish she couldn't come to our meet ups anymore. Some she has been extremely unpleasant to. But it seems that they liked things they way they were, and are happy for her to behave that way. Apparently Friend A is extremely "upset", and is exagerating and saying she feels I attacked her, and was out of order.

I feel really disappointed that none except one of my friend have backed me up, and also that all these people she has been horrible to have sided with her and seem to think her behaviour is acceptable.

Sorry this is long!!

OP posts:
Original poster
MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket · 27/03/2013 10:55

The problem with the others is, no matter how nasty she is, they just come back for more. I don't think any, apart from the one who backed me up, would actually do the same as me and think "sod her" and walk away from them all. The others, if her victim of the moment, try to ingratiate themselves with her, and get back in her good books. They join in with bitching about others, to try to get her to move onto someone else and so they can bond with her over sharing her opinion. It's weird.

I think she is a narcissistic sociopath!

OP posts:
EarlyInTheMorning · 27/03/2013 10:56

Mini seriously I think you need to just keep your distance from that lot. It won't be long until the whole thing crumbles anyway. When that happens you want to be as far from the rubble as possible.

Meerkatwhiskers · 27/03/2013 10:57

A mature group of friends should not have an 'alpha'. That should be left behind in secondary school.

A group of my friends had a big falling out a few years ago and it all came down to one being a controlling person and losing control. We all stayed friends bar the controlling one and are still friends now but as equals and it works much better for us. I am much happier with my now closest friends (I was kept at a distance from the others by controlling friend who I though was my 'best' friend as she knew i would end up getting on better with others). Ultimately she did me the biggest favour.

LottieJenkins · 27/03/2013 10:57

Making a Memory Box page from Winstons Wish

LottieJenkins · 27/03/2013 10:58

Sorry wrong thread................Sad

Original poster
MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket · 27/03/2013 10:59

Definitely going to keep my distance now. Luckily I have other groups of friends for nights out, and meeting up with, so it won't really affect me too much if I ditch them all.

OP posts:
EarlyInTheMorning · 27/03/2013 11:03

I wouldn't make a big thing of it though. Be pleasant and friendly but just make excuses not to meet up and let things drift rather than make a huge gesture of ditching them.

Original poster
MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket · 27/03/2013 11:05

I don't think I'll be invited again now I've dared to disagree with her royal highness tbh.

OP posts:
Sonnet · 27/03/2013 11:06

I too know someone just like Friend A. I could have written your post. I too stood up for myself and the other "friends", the ones she had been so nasty about and too all sided with her.
I was deeply upset at the time but have moved on now. My Friend A always has a target, always has to have soemone to crow it over. I see the cracks appearing with the others. I have stayed on friendly terms with the others but have refused to get drawn in to any discussions about Friend A. I also say a cheery hello to friend A when I see her too!! I refuse to get drawn in ot their silly games.

Move on and ignore and keep a friendly smile on your face.

Original poster
MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket · 27/03/2013 11:07

Sonnet, Friend A always has to have someone to target too. She seems to pick up on the smallest details of peoples' lives and then slags them off continually about it.

I keep thinking that friend A must be incredibly unhappy within herself to have that level of nastiness within her and to just want to bitch about people all the time

OP posts:
JuliaScurr · 27/03/2013 11:09

group dynamics with bullies are weird; people do all kinds of stuff to avoid being the target and often side with the bully

Pandemoniaa · 27/03/2013 11:10

I can see that she is behind what they're saying, like a puppeteer pulling their strings.

That's a very apt comparison. People like your so-called friend A do exactly this and despite their unpleasant behaviour always seem to find willing victims to fire the bullets that they prepare for them.

The only way to cope is to disengage from the lot of them and hope that the light eventually dawns and the nicer of them realise they are being used. But I wouldn't bet on it.

Original poster
MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket · 27/03/2013 11:11

I think she deliberately tries to target people that are weak, and who will follow her like sheep

OP posts:
Andratx · 27/03/2013 13:15

I guess what I'm finding hard is how everyone was so upset with her and hates the way she is with them, but when it comes to the crunch none like having the apple cart upset. Oh well, if they want to be bullied that's up to them I suppose

I could have written your exact post myself. The description of 'Friend A ' is so like my former friend that I am convinced it is the same person. It is interesting that you have described her as a narcistic sociopath because I got some pyschology books to read, and came to the conclusion that this was actually the exact official psychiatric description of what she was.

I also had the exact same experience with the friendship group. You have to realise that Friend A is so highly manipulative and strong that people will do anything to stay on her side. That's classic narcistic sociopath effect. My friends also all publicly stuck to her side too when my shit hit the fan, despite the fact that they had spent months bemoaning her controlling behaviour. None of the others had any guts at the time to side with the latest victim of her spite (me). Even though her behaviour had been appalling and my only 'crime' was to stand up against one particular thing and say i thought it wasn't acceptable. It was a messy and upsetting split and left me isolated. Happily, several years later, none of them see Friend A anymore. It took longer for their friendships to fall apart but it did happen...even her husband has had enough after only a couple of years with her. But I don't see any of the group any more - spineless cowards is how I think of them and the sort of people who would rather be a bully's sidekick than stand up for what is right.

I am afraid to warn you might be left on your own on this issue. For now. And jolly good thing too; get away from her / their influence and see a different friendship group instead.

thezebrawearspurple · 27/03/2013 13:26

I would leave them all to enjoy being bullied by her. Don't waste your time on any of them. Focus on strengthening friendships with genuine people.

Original poster
MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket · 27/03/2013 13:29

Wow Andratx, it does sound as though the women we knew were very similar. I agree with you, the ones that just sit and let it happen are spineless cowards.

I'm going to give them all a wide berth from now on; I won't be having anything more to do with Friend A, and the others I will speak to if they contact me, but I'm not going to discuss anything about Friend A or what happened with them, as chances are they will just relay it back to her and find a way to justify her behaviour and try to make me feel bad.

I'm really glad they're not my main social group of friends, and that I have other groups that I can meet up with for nights out. I feel happy cutting them all loose really, the behaviour of Friend A hasn't been sitting right with me for quite some time, and I don't think I could ever warm to any of them again after how they have behaved towards me for standing up for myself.

OP posts:
Andratx · 27/03/2013 13:59

You are absolutely right. I found it like being back at school: Friend A being the 16 year old bully, with a main sidekick and then everyone else too worried about being the next victim to want to upset the big bully.

Now I have a group of wonderful friends who wouldn't dream of doing even one bitchy thing that my old group used to do all the time. They would find it shocking behaviour.

Try not to let it affect you too much. I still get upset about it all now, but am comforted by the wonderful normal friends I have now.

Original poster
MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket · 27/03/2013 17:22

I'm glad you've got a nice group of friends now Andratx. Like you say, it's like being back at school again, with Friend A as the bully/alpha female.

Even though I've lost friends, I feel glad that I spoke up for myself. If I'd have gone along with it and said nothing, I guarantee the friend that was told I thought badly of her would have fallen out with me whilst Friend A would have come up smelling of roses, as always. You can't win with that type of person so think we are better off out of all that

OP posts:
ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 27/03/2013 17:30

I think you are well out of it. Find actual grown ups to befriend.

By walking away and not lying about why, you will make the others think. Even if right now they are still all being very well manipulated by her.

Orangerevel · 27/03/2013 18:04

Real friends do not behave like this. I was in a very similar situation a few years ago, I walked away from it and found new (true) friends. It was hard at the time but I now look at these ex-friends and can't believe I was ever part of it. Be strong.

swallowedAfly · 27/03/2013 18:17

i call them queen bees. they're not that uncommon unfortunately and i've had run ins with several as i tend to be the fool who has to speak up and then the hive turns on you.

tbh though in each of the situations i've been in like that it has been a relief to get out from under it and find out who is worth keeping as a friend - usually the one or two with spines and able to stand as an individual. i really treasure people who are able to do that because as much as we can say 'oh it's all school yard' the reality is a lot of people don't get out from the school yard.

adult company is worth it's weight in gold.

Andratx · 27/03/2013 18:27

Wow, I am astounded how many of us have felt like this and have had to walk away.

It has made me think though: how many people on MN now are in this situation now and either don't recognise it, or don't have the strength to walk away. There must be a fair few? I wonder how many people would read this thread and not recognise themselves as being in a nasty crowd, or even the queen bee herself?

Do you think you only recognise how bad it was once you have walked away?

Do you think that if someone else from the group walked away, would you support them? Or would you think 'you were a cow to me when I needed help, you took her side?'. I think I would.

Original poster
MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket · 27/03/2013 19:30

I think if someone else had the same treatment and walked away from the group I would probably refuse to support them too, Andratx.

OP posts:
claudedebussy · 27/03/2013 19:40

you're well out of it.

i've had similar. best to just move on. then you get some room in your life for nice people. life is really too short to spend with people who either won't stand up for you or like to keep you down.

saulaboutme · 27/03/2013 21:52

This is typical bully behaviour.

You stood up to her.and she's turned on the waterworks.

Disconnect and find new friends. I've come across this type of person many a time. you don't need her in your life or the others if they want to stay friends with her.
Good for you for not letting her drag you down with her.