to think I'm not being selfish, I know it's not about me but I can still be upset?

[ParadiseChick]

DD is 8.

this time last year the school put in some referrals because they were concerned about her organisation, reading etc. We've attended umpteen appointments, been to OT's and SALT and all sorts and now we have some diagnosises in place. She's dylexic, presenting with DCD (dyspraxia) and the icing on the cake came on Monday when we were told she's also short sighted and will need glasses. I think the glasses thing hit me hardest. I'm as blind as a bat (even lazers won't fix my eyes) and I just really didn't want her to go through the same as me. She's upset about the glasses as well. I was taken a back as we had her eyes tested 18m ago and were told they were fine. We then went to an optromonist on the recommendation of the school thinking it would be more about coloured overlays etc. but it was clear from the start of the test it was her actual vision that needs attention first.

So the past 12 weeks have been pretty full on, appointments, tests ect. I'm really glad we now have a handle on everything that is going on and we can now start to get all the support in place and help her the best we can. I've bought everything thats been recommended to us from weighted cushions, sit and move cushions, pencil grips, putty, books etc. I've been doing all the extra ex recommended, the reading from the school etc. I'm totally on top of this, supporting DD.

I just wish none of this was there. I feel so sad for her. I know in the grand scheme of things it isn't that bad, there are a lot of people coping with things that are a lot worse but I'm just sad for her. Does that make sense? She's very bright, scored higher than average in all the actual intelligence aspects of the dyslexia tests, just needs help getting it all out. She flaps her hands when she's worried, excited etc, her movements become very exaggerated.

It's not dissapointment, I love her and every aspect of her personality, she is perfect. I'm just struggling to come to terms with it all.

I feel bad as she's sat in on so many appointments with me, listening to me talking about her and her issues that she wasn't even aware off. I've explained to her that all these people are just here to help her be the best she can and she might hear mummy telling them things about her but it's just so they've got all the information they need to help us.

She cried and cried about the glasses last night. I held her close, and cried a few tears too. I don't want to make this all about me, I know it isn't about me and she hasn't seen me upset. My DH has been there every step of the way as well, he just seems to deal with things better. He's dyslexic too and doesn't really see it as a big deal, and I know it's not. She's not doing things wrong, just differently.

Anyway, last night I called my mother to tell her all this and I got upset on the phone. She told me to get a grip (I've had such a grip on it all, I just let it slip last night) and that it wasn't about me, basically that I have no right to be upset about it.

AIBU to feel like this? My head is bursting with infomation, suggestions and details I just don't know what to do with it all.

What you are feeling is completely, utterly normal, right down to your mum being a PITA. Honestly, it is. Go and have a look on the SN boards and you will see your post replicated by all sorts of parents with children who have all sorts of diagnoses. You are as normal as a piece of hot buttered toast. And equally as fabulous. So there.

Be kind to yourself for a bit - this almost hyper 'fix things' mode is absolutely common too, then there's usually a bit of burn out. Take things easy and try and get a little bit of time for yourself. x

I can understand, I too have terrible vision and literally the minute that I had my DD I wanted the mid wife to tell me that my babies eyes were ok.

I wore glasses very young, you probably did too, it wasn't so bad was it? I got used to mine in a very short time, your DD will too. When she is older you can look at laser and lense replacement etc it has come on a lot and in the next 15-20 years who knows what will happen? I am still hoping that at some point laser treatment might work for me.

YANBU at all. I'm going through a similar process with my ds2 (6yo) and although we've always known he was a bit "fluffy", it feels so strange to have outsiders coming in and labelling him with this, that and the other. The SN board here is amazing, even if you only lurk to pick up bits of advice. One of the big things that comes up with new diagnoses is to give yourself time to feel a bit floored by it.

It sounds like you have the same Mum as me Of course it's normal to feel upset and overwhelmed, you are her Mum and you love her

Op I totally understand where you are coming from yanbu that is a lot to take in when all you want is for children to coast through life. when my dd was in her first year of school her teacher told me she needed to be sent for learning support. My daughter seemed/is so intelligent it seemed mad to me. I sent her along to learning support and surprise, surprise I was wrong and the teacher was right although she is waiting to be assessed every teacher since then has said it is likely she is dyslexic. I was upset and shocked the first day I heard and when her teacher told us to get her assessed now would cost 500 euro but I got over it pretty quickly because she is still the same hughly intelligent child she always was she happens to be dyslexic most likely. Her dad was blind as a bat growing and she definitely needs braces so that could be coming our way too

Oh OP, I am NOT in camp mum and I totally know how you feel. My DS (nearly 8) has a range of issues including dyslexia, co-ordination problems, anxiety problems and has a hard time at school with schoolwork and friendships, even though he is wonderful, very clever, loving, funny and just my lovely, lovely boy. I have cried at the thought of him having all this to face because it's so unfair, and some of it is similar to what I went through, except he has it worse, and I just don't want him to have to suffer.

It is awful having to explain things to doctors and experts, however nice they are, with your child there and knowing you are talking about them and their problems in a way that will make them feel like a failure. It is hard, hard work providing all the reassurance and love they need and not showing you are upset. I think it sounds like you are doing brilliantly.

You are not a narc, if you were you wouldn't have these worries. My mum is a bit like that too and I know where you're coming from. My advice is don't turn to her if you need support - you won't get it.

Do you know what the plus side is - that my DS knows, and I know, I love and esteem my wonderful son 100% and how he does at school or in life has no bearing on it. When I was growing up, my parents put a lot of stress on academic performance and being top of the class. That is of no concern to me now as a parent - I just have to work to help my DS find his way and do the best he can do for him, and appreciate all his qualities and interests that are not just to do with jumping through academic hoops. I will never be a parent who stresses about what reading level he has attained compared to other kids. We're free of all that, and I think life is much better for it.

Just wanted to add another message that your feelings are your feelings and are completely valid. Of course its about your daughter, but equally you need to be able to share and communicate sometimes about how you feel. Just avoid rubbish people like your mum, and share with your RL friends and here...
Also can I echo that things are really much better with regard to glasses for kids these days. The styles are better and I think there's much more awareness that children are different with all sorts of special circumstances. So although children might say things - there's a lot more being done to stamp out cruel comments before they lead to bullying (aware its not perfect everywhere but on that aspect it seems to be so much better than my childhood)
My friends little boy wears the cutest glasses, and granted she does have to spend a fair bit (on the kidproof, thinner glass versions) its honestly not affecting him in the slightest...

Thank you

I know this is hard to be going through all of this, but please let the glasses be your least worry. Kids aren't teased about it, most envy them! And there are lots of great frames at low cost.

2 of my 3 have glasses and the third (perfectly sighted boy) is desperate to have some... and kids over on playdates always want to try my DD's glasses on, and she is very confident with them - no hint of nastiness about them at all. She's only 7, so not sure about teenage years, but really this isn't the straw that broke the camel's back - she will be fine about this.

Breathe, have some choc and hope that the other issues are as easily resolved as the eyesight/glasses.