To think that my DH is a selfish fucking shit head?

[WiltedSpinach]

I withdrew an application for a less stressful job today as on Friday DH said he would be a SAHD so I could carry on doing the job that I have. (He's currently unemployed.) I was going for the other job as I have MH issues and I couldn't cope with doing the running around after the children AND my current role, but I've been managing really well since he has been at home as I can do my job so long as I'm not doing the rest.

As this was all decided, I withdrew my application this morning, happy that I can carry on doing my job with his support.

He's just called me to tell me he's accepted a job and will start on Tuesday and its an early start in the opposite direction to where we live and where the kids go to school and nursery, so I'll have to go back to running around after the children and getting them out in the morning and home and fed in the evening. Its not even a great job, its fucking warehouse work earning only just over fucking minimum wage and he didn't even ask me first, he said yes and then called me with a fait accomplis.

I am angry and really upset in equal measure. If he had said he was going to take a job as soon as it was offered, there is no way I would have withdrawn my application, but he PROMISED. He fucking well PROMISED me he would stay at home and support me.

I don't actually give a shit if you think I'm being U for calling him a selfish fucking shit head, because he fucking well is.

[DropIceCubesDownTheVestOfFear]

He sounds utterly useless and a liar. Doesn't pull his weight round the house, look after his own children, OR earn any/decent money? I'm guessing you'd be better off without him. Tell him.

[PureQuintessence]

What SolidGold said.

[DropIceCubesDownTheVestOfFear]

And yes, what SolidGold said.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Yes, he is indeed behaving like a turd

[Awomansworth]

You said in your OP that you barely earn more than min wage... so I'm cofused as to how this new job DH accepted would not support your family if your wage does.

[Tallyra]

She said that he barely earns min wage, and she earns much more.

[SadGiantPanda]

Now cows or giant pandas around that I can see.

I am around (ahem), but I agree with you here - looks more like a horse. :(

The way he did it, it sounds very calculated. What's your relationship like otherwise?

[Icelollycraving]

He obvs didn't actually want to be a sahd. Not all parents want to be at home.
He should have discussed it. Could you pay a childminder to do the wrap around care?
Your husband is indeed a fucking shit head.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Ask him how he is going to meet the childcare obligations he has already agreed to take on.

He is an arse.

[TheOrchardKeeper]

what disturbed me about it is that he knew you'd retracted your application, you're a little unwell (and it's common knowledge that someone suffering with anxiety is not going to take well to a stunt like that), and he sounds like he doesn't care at all about going back on his promise.

[WiltedSpinach]

Oy vey! Only MN could change my DH acting like a twat about this into abuse.

Yes I am seriously SERIOUSLY pissed off with him like you wouldn't believe and when I get home we're going to have serious words that may involve the words "Selfish" and "Fucker" and will leave him in no doubt about how I feel about this.

living with a man who gets a hardon from creating more stress for you because it's so funny to see you panic and cry is even harder

Where on earth have I said that he thought it was funny and its made him happy to upset me?

Being selfish and thoughtless yes, abusive no.

Well, this has cheered me up considerably. Yes, I am not unreasonable to think he's a selfish fucking shit head for taking the job as he's been incredibly thoughtless and we can talk about it when I get home. Yes my MH problems mean that I react badly to anything that throws me out of kilter at the moment. However, you are completely bonkers if you think this is a sign of someone who gets off on upsetting me.

[TheOrchardKeeper]

Also, if my partner was suffering with anxiety I'd have done the bloody opposite, as would most decent people.

It's sounds like he's a getting a kick from this

[LineRunnyEgg]

Yes, your husband is being a knob.

I would explore / advertise for a wrap-around childminder anyway, as you are going to need one.

[badguider]

Tell him he CAN'T take the job. He just can't. He needs to do 6mnths minimum at home before you review the situation. Or at least until another opportunity like the one you just withdrew from comes along again.

[badguider]

OR he needs to earn enough for a nanny or childminder who will do the drop offs / pick ups.

[DropIceCubesDownTheVestOfFear]

But OP it sounds like he's done this is full knowledge of the effect it would have on you - he knows you're struggling, he knew you'd withdrawn your application for a new job, he KNEW he'd offered to be a SAHD... It's not just 'thoughtlessness' or selfishness if he does it in full knowledge of the effect his actions will have, it's intentional.

[2kidsintow]

Does his early start mean that he is available for after school?
My DH has always started work before 8, so we have a childminder. I get them there in the morning. He picks them up in the afternoon after they've been there for an hour.

That way, I suit my morning routine to my own needs and he's not there. At first I missed his help, now I'm glad I get to do things my way. And he always leaves the kids lunchboxes made for when I get down to give them breakfast and pack their bags. It helps.

Then he picks them up, so I can do my day's work and the prep/marking/meetings etc at the end of the day (I'm a teacher) without worrying about it. And because he's the one to pick them up, very often he gives them tea too.

I think you need to lay your cards out. You need a new arrangement from the start if you are both now working.

And good luck for another lower-stress job to come along to apply for.

[DropIceCubesDownTheVestOfFear]

How long has he been unemployed? How was he not doing all the running around after the children in that time?

[TheOrchardKeeper]

It just does not look good written down OP

[BoulevardOfBrokenSleep]

But he looked you in the eye and lied to you, to stop you doing something that would massively help your stress levels and, presumably, MH.

Who the hell thinks that's an OK thing to do to someone you supposedly love?

[afussyphase]

Perhaps get an au pair, which his wages should be able to pay for? Or other options like finding a childminder who's flexible about pickup or even an 8-6pm nursery instead of 8-5? By the way, YANBU.

[TheOrchardKeeper]

he barely earns minimum wage...so that's not gonna happen

[OhLori]

To call someone that ... all respect has gone.

[LazyMonkeyButler]

I would also be saying something along the lines of "oh, that's great - how will you be managing the DCs' drop-offs & pick-ups though, won't they clash with work?".

It is very selfish, it's the age old assumption that childcare is the mother's responsibility &, although it's fine for a dad to help out when convenient to him, the moment he gets a better offer it's left for mum to organise again without a second thought. I'm not for a minute suggesting that all households work like that, but sadly very many I know do! Even when mum in the main wage earner.

Very selfish & I would be absolutely furious too! Have some .