Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To expect my SIL to come to my house at some point over the next 8 months/few years

22 replies

pingu2209 · 24/03/2013 18:25

My db and new SIL have moved to the village next to ours in September. Having rarely seen my db over many years when he was married to exSIL I am very pleased to see him regularly as it is only 10 mins away (as opposed to the 2 hours away when he was with exSIL)

Db has told me new SIL is pregnant (5 weeks) which is exciting news as his sons from previous marriage are 15 and 20 so a new baby is very happy news. This is new SIL 1st baby and db has said that he has no intention of having any more as he will be 50 next year. This will be their one and only.

However, db now tells me that because I have 2 cats new SIL will not come round to my house for fear of catching toxoplasmosis. He then said that SIL is also worried about the cats around the baby when it does arrive.

I have 3 children aged 5, 7, 9 and db/new SIL have a 2 bed house, so whilst we can go to see them it is a squeeze and not very child friendly.

I haven't said anything in response to db comments as I hoped that new SIL would see she was being slightly irrational, but last night he came round with his youngest son but no SIL, so she clearly means to keep this up for at least the next 8 months but quite likely a few years.

I'm not sure if I am unreasonable to think she is being irrational or whether as this will be her first and only baby she is doing everything by the book. She has even approached my db to give up work now so that the pregnancy isn't affected at all by commuting.

OP posts:

WhatAGoat · 24/03/2013 18:31

That's a bit weird

I thought you could only get toxo from cat shit and unless she going to be in the cat litter tray whilst no one is looking she won't catch it.

Sounds like an excuse to not come round to me

Maggie111 · 24/03/2013 18:33

Yanbu... But there's sod all you can do about it. If she wants to be crazy, you'll just have to go along with it.

My mother refuses to come round to my house... ever. Ah well.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 24/03/2013 18:36

She does know that she's fine unless she's actually changing the cat litter tray, doesn't she? perhaps show her this

I would just go with it. It's her first baby, you remember how we get with our first, don't you? It's a scary time. Well, it was for me and I think it is for a lot of first timers. The world seems a very dangerous place! She'll calm down over time.

Original poster

pingu2209 · 24/03/2013 18:37

I really get on well with her and she and my db came round my house at least once a fortnight before she fell pregnant. She is not English (European country - but don't want to say as it may out me) and doesn't hold with pets of any sort. Animals are for eating etc. She laughs when she sees people with pet rabbits as she only sees them as food.

She has regularly said that she doesn't understand why anyone would want a pet cat and if they got a dog it would live outside and never come indoors etc. She isnt' cruel to animals, but culturally she doesn't understand why anyone would 'waste' time and money on them.

I think it is only to do with her worry about her pregnancy and I do understand that worry, especially as she will only likely have this one baby.

I guess as cats poo in the garden and then dig it over, then walk into the house, the cat poo can be in the house too - or certainly the toxoplasmosis bug. She is correct but I was always told that if you grew up with pets then you were likely to be immune from toxoplasmosis as you would have had it earlier in your life - but just not known about it.

OP posts:

CSIJanner · 24/03/2013 18:37

Some people think you can also get toxo from stroking a cat as they clean their bums and then their fur around their ears etc. Total fallacy. You can print out the contact with cat bit below to maybe help her fears - it might ease her worry if she does come into contact with other cats

www.fabcats.org/cat_group/policy_statements/toxo.html

Engelsemama · 24/03/2013 18:40

Is she French? One of my Gallic friends told me that in France even if you are ttc they test you regularly for toxo and then throughout your pg. She was shocked that they don't do it in other European countries. Her DM and Dsis were also horrified when she told them the mw here won't test for it.

Original poster

pingu2209 · 24/03/2013 18:43

No not French - but a country close by!

OP posts:

maddening · 24/03/2013 19:16

Can you get your cats tested for toxo? If they were negative then it might reassure her?

NynaevesSister · 24/03/2013 19:23

Pregnancy affects you in weird ways. I got terrified of toxo when preg too, irrationally so. And was really germ phobic till son was about a year old. Couldn't even go to a soft play as thought of him crawling about where so many others had been made me feel physically ill! It was really bizarre but I don't scoff now at mums who are like that. Hormones make for weird shit. I would tell her how you feel, that it will be a pain and you are sure theirs no risk but that it is her pregnancy and you respect her wishes.

thezebrawearspurple · 24/03/2013 19:27

I know someone who lost a baby from toxoplasmosis, not a risk I'd want to take either. Not all of us are animal lovers and prepared to expose ourselves to their diseases, it's her body, her baby and her choice to take no unnecessary risk with her pregnancy.

Ragwort · 24/03/2013 19:33

At least she is being honest with you and you are welcome to visit her house. My friend's sister has never, ever visited her - given no reason whatsoever, assume she just can't be bothered. Friendly enough when my friend goes to meet her .

If you are an animal lover it is quite hard to understand that some people really, really don't like animals. I find it very hard visiting people who have animals in their homes, people usually say 'you don't mind the dog/cat do you' and it is very hard to say, 'yes, please can you put it in another room'. Animals always seem to know who doesn't like them or want to be slobbered over. My DH has a bad allergy to cats, not life threatening but incredibly uncomfortable for him.

Presumably your DB can visit you all on his own, and you can continue meeting up at their house or arrange to go to a park/restaurant/whatever?

Original poster

pingu2209 · 24/03/2013 19:47

When they came over to tell us the news, she asked me to put the cats in another room. I did do it, but the children are in and out of all the rooms and the cats just got back in the room we were in. There was heavy snow and extremely cold outside so I wasn't prepared to kick the cats outside that day (I would if it wasn't such extreme weather, they have a fur coat afterall).

I feel really mixed as to whether I am being unreasonable. She and my db really want us to be involved and are so exicited, but how can we be involved if she refuses to come to our house at all during her pregnancy and when the new baby is small?

Their house is really not child friendly at all. There is nothing for them to do and very limited space so it isn't as though we can go to them a lot.

I do understand her view, but she (nor I) can have it both ways. We can't be close with the pregnancy but unable to see her much.

OP posts:

FionaJT · 24/03/2013 19:50

My Italian cousin was pregnant at the same time as me and worry about toxoplasmosis was a really big thing there - all uncooked fruit and veg had to be washed in a special beach stuff and she wouldn't eat any that hadn't been. Whereas she listened with vague amusement to tales of British women avoiding certain types of cheese and happily drank a small glass of wine with dinner every night. The 'rules' for pregnancy can be very different.

kennyp · 24/03/2013 20:55

Has she been watching trainspotting as part of her ante natal thing??

Its her first and only kid so she might well be a bit over protective, i know i was with mine. Give it some time and she might realise she is being a bit neurotic.

AnneTwacky · 24/03/2013 21:06

She probably is being a bit irrational, but when I was pg I wouldn't stay in the kitchen when the microwave was on so who am I to talk?

Long story short, I'd let it go for now. As others have said, she'll lighten up in time.

ceebie · 24/03/2013 21:14

I think you've got to accept her different views and respect her wishes, whether or not you agree with them.

Firstly, you can ask whether there is anything you can do that would make her comfortable visiting. I am sorry for criticising but I really don't believe that you couldn't have found one single room in your house to put your cats in that the children wouldn't have been in and out of, nor that your children aged 5+ couldn't have been told that they were not allowed to open that door and let the cats out. My reading of that situation would be that you weren't really trying that hard to keep the cats out, and perhaps your lack of respect for her request has caused this problem.

It may be that even with the cats in a different room (and properly locked away) she still wouldn't want to visit. If that is the case, you will have to accept it. It's a shame it's her choice. If you only live 10 mins apart there must be loads of places you could go to meet up, where your children could run around and play.

Original poster

pingu2209 · 24/03/2013 22:00

I can lock them away in our bedroom. The children know not to go in there when we say not to. I have a feeling that is not going to be enough. The cats have free roam around the house and I think her fear is that where ever they have been the toxoplasmosis germ could be and she could catch it. She may be right.

We could meet up in the park as the weather gets warmer. We are her only family in the country let alone near by. It is a shame she is self ostracising herself.

She thought she would never get pregnant due to hormone issues and medication she has been on because of it. There was a real risk that they wouldn't have been able to have a baby together.

I do have to just accept it. I have to respect her wishes.

OP posts:

ceebie · 24/03/2013 22:45

Don't be too disheartened - I'm sure you will still manage to have good contact and a good relationship through the pregnancy if you both come up with ideas which work for both sides.

The one thing I don't get - you said that she DID come over to your house whilst pregnant as long as the cats were locked away. However, you didn't lock the cats away properly. Why didn't you? Did you apologise? Now she won't come over at all.

It's a little odd that she did come over once when pregnant but now won't. Maybe she wasn't aware of the toxoplasmosis risk then - but if so, why would she specify that the cats needed to be locked away? I wonder if it's because she doesn't trust you any more.

2rebecca · 24/03/2013 23:04

I agree that if you lock away the cats you lock away the cats, and tell the kids not to go in the room containing the cats. They should have been old enough to understand they left the cat room shut and to shut the cats back in if they got out. It sounds as though you prioritised your cats over your SIL.
If she doesn't want to visit then that's her call. Your brother is still coming and your nephew.

Original poster

pingu2209 · 25/03/2013 00:17

When my db and new SIL came round to tell us the news, the cats were walking around the house as usual. She never said anything regarding her fear of toxoplasmosis till my dd came in carrying one of the cats and walking towards my new SIL. My SIL asked me whether I would keep the cat out of the kitchen/dining room. I did as she asked, but no more as I didn't realise just how fearful she was. I just asked my dd to take the cat into the lounge.

A few days after they left my db came round, alone, and told me that my new SIL was really worried about toxoplasmosis and that was why she wanted me to take the cat out of the room. He then said that she wouldn't be coming round whilst pregnant or whilst the baby was small.

The idea to lock the cats in a room never came up when she was round here.

Thinking about it, she didn't have a cup of tea or glass of water or anything when they were here.

I would like to add, my house is clean and tidy, I don't live in a slum.

OP posts:

thezebrawearspurple · 25/03/2013 00:25

It's nothing personal, from her point of view she has to do everything she can to protect this baby she thought she'd never have, it's her one chance, she's not going to take even the tiniest risk if she can avoid it.

recall · 25/03/2013 00:32

She is probably feeling anxious regarding this, I was the same when I was pregnant, even though I knew it was irrational. I went to the GP and they were able to retrieve from my blood tests the Toxoplasmosis result which was positive, so I was not at risk. Is it worth mentioning this to them.

Also, I have some friends who are Bulgarian, and she is pregnant and won't come anywhere near my house ( I have 4 cats myself now )

Try not to take it personally, she may have heard a horror story, or know someone affected by it, she is just acting on her instinct.

Flip