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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be a little bit jealous?

8 replies

SlowLooseChippings · 23/03/2013 23:24

Friend A has just announced her pregnancy. I'm delighted for her; she'll make a wonderful parent and so will her DH. Friend B is also pregnant (announced last month, and is a few weeks ahead). I have a 6 month old DS.

A and I are very close friends as are our DHs. A and B are also close friends, as are their DHs. B and I know each other through A, but are not very close (though I like her and we may be in time, but we don't live near each other and haven't spent much time together). A and Mr A are moving home shortly too, which will be further away from us and closer to B and Mr B - right around the corner. They will get to be preggo buddies and spend their ML together doing baby activities and discovering the joys and milestones of their children for the first time. And I am delighted for them both, but a little envious because when I was pregnant I had no close friends to share the emotions with, and didn't really know anyone with babies to see regularly. I felt like I was going it alone but that my friends would join me in the parent club soon, and we would do things together! And now they will have each other close by, and it will be more difficult for me DH and DS to see A and Mr A as they won't be popping by as much any more, and neither will we - the distance means visits to each other will probably require an overnight stay once they move. Which obviously also requires more of a formal invitation and structure when each family has an infant to look after as well, so I don't expect this to be either a casual or frequent arrangement.

I do think that close friendship relationships are usually significantly helped along by proximity and convenience, since you build on time spent together. And I'm overjoyed and excited by the news from both wonderful ladies, but I'm finding tonight to my dismay that I'm secretly mourning my friendship with A a little already, because I don't think we will figure as much in their lives, and I don't want to lose them from mine. We have grown apart from our other closest pre-baby couple friends due to their stratospheric careers which mean they don't have much time to spend with us any more, and though it is a bit playground-y I want to hang onto the As!

Fully prepared to be told IABU and to suck it up and be happy for them! I may just be hormonal myself, as AF arrived this morning for the first time since Jan and even though it would be terrible timing DH and I were talking about how we would cope with another and we were both a little disappointed to find out it wasn't to be.

OP posts:
PurpleStorm · 23/03/2013 23:57

YANBU to feel a bit jealous about it. I think that's a natural feeling under the circumstances.

But I think YWBU to share these feelings with A and B. And it sounds like you know that you've got to try and be happy for them, even if you're not happy about the possibility of growing apart from A once she moves.

Bumblequeen · 24/03/2013 00:18

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

SlowLooseChippings · 24/03/2013 01:05

Ah, it would be a cold day in hell before I voiced those particular concerns to anyone except DH. I'm probably feeling a bit threatened about losing the As soon anyway. Mr A is a kiwi with a large extended family in NZ and they've mentioned moving there to raise their children - better quality of life, close to his family (A herself isn't close to hers) etc - which sounded like a pipe dream at first but now that children are actually on the horizon, well, who knows...

Bumble, I'm sorry to hear your story. That's how I'm worried things will turn out, and although I'm aware these things happen and people drift in and out of your life over the course of it, I'm already finding I'm sad about it during what should be a happy time. I've also had a friend who drifted (or was cut) from from another group before we all had kids; when she married she moved further out of town and socialised more with her DHs friends, and we stopped inviting her to things as she usually couldn't travel to attend. Now we are Facebook friends only and rarely interact. I fear I see the same thing happening to me, although I'm the one who stayed put and they're moving.

I found my own pregnancy (and SPD) very difficult toward the end, but there's nothing like feeling a bit left out to make you feel you're missing out even when you know all you're missing is several months of pain and discomfort!

OP posts:
TWinklyLittleStar · 24/03/2013 01:07

When I got married shortly after my sister , 3 & a half years ago, I thought maybe she & I could be pregnancy buddies. Her son is now 2. When a good friend got pregnant, I thought the same. Her son is 9 months. Another good friend's son is 4 months. I still haven't managed to conceive. You have a healthy baby and two good friends that you can meet with and help out. YABU. Count your blessings.

DramaLlamaFarmer · 24/03/2013 01:11

YANBU to have jealous feelings, it is perfectly normal and understandable.

On a "just being honest" note, you do need to 'suck it up' (to quote your op). You can't determine right now at this early stage in the pregnancies of your friends how things will pan out long term. There is nothing wrong with thinking to yourself about how things might change and thereby have an effect on you and your life. It might be a good time for you to extend your circle and make some friends or, at least, people you can class as 'mates' and build up some adult contact for yourself.

SlowLooseChippings · 24/03/2013 01:28

Oh, I have other friends. I've been really lucky with my NCT crowd, they're great girls and we see each other regularly, for coffee and gym and cinema trips and walks. Despite me not having any good friends from work and feeling like I've lost others from uni etc to the pressures of time, careers and distance, my social circle has actually widened dramatically this last year due to my new mum friends! They're fantastic women.

But, this is the childish part, I still don't want to lose the As! Not that there's much I can do about it if things start to go that way. Just continue to make an effort I guess.

And on the bright side I suppose since I'll be a SAHM I might get to hang out with A and B on their maternity leave when all my NCT friends have gone back to work. I'll do my best anyway! Grin

OP posts:
SlowLooseChippings · 24/03/2013 01:31

Oh, and a good point from both of you about not being able to determine how things will work out in the future. And I am very grateful for what I have. Will try harder to focus on that!

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 24/03/2013 19:52

Having relocated A and B might have gravitated towards each other whether or not they were expecting. As it is they will have pfbs in common so your best bet is to focus on local friends and the NCT bunch. But keep in touch with As and Bs.

You have an advantage in that you AND DH are pals with the As so any get-togethers initiated by the men will not look like you hanging onto Mrs A's coat tails.

NB If the As do emigrate you won't be totally bereft because you sound outgoing and sociable and already have other friends.

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