To refuse to dig DH out of yet another hole?

[freddiefrog]

My DH can never say no. He always gets talked into helping out with things when he really doesn't have the time and ends up over committing himself.

This week I've already sorted out some accounts, helped at a school disco and typed up some minutes after he said yes to someone then realised he didn't have time to do it

He's been out every evening this week. Was away on a course all weekend last weekend, and so far this weekend he "nipped down the scout hut for half an hour" at 10am to help set up for an event we have tonight.

He phoned earlier, can I design and print a programme for tonight and take it to the local photocopier place and get 100 copies as he doesnt have time. Err...no. I had to take DD1 to her friends, and DD2 wanted to go swimming - DH said he'd take her and surprise surprise he's not here to do it...again

I have enough of my own shit to deal with and I am fed with digging him out of the shit because he can't say no to someone else and doesn't like letting other people down, while he doesn't seem to have any problem with letting us down, or saying no to us

I'm not criticising him for volunteering and helping out, he enjoys it, but AIBU to think he needs to cut back and work out what he does have time to do, without relying on me, start saying no and dedicate some time to spend with his own kids, instead of other people's all the time.

He has volunteered to do this stuff, not me. I only agree to help out with stuff I actually have time to do. If I wanted to help at Scouts I would, I don't want to be volunteered by proxy (especially as I already help out at Beavers)

We've had words and I will be having stronger ones later when he gets home, but I am so pissed off with him

YANBU

but it may be hard to get your point across rationally when you feel so pissed off IYKWIM

You are not being unreasonable at all.

He agrees to these things probably because he knows he can rope you in. Then everyone can praise him for being soooooo great and doing sooooo much...

If he knows that isn't an option, then he'll take on only what he can do.

Then, when he no longer expects that you'll do what he offers to do, you may decide to help out - if you choose to.

If you stay firm, then he will have to change.

His own kids shouldn't keep taking second place to other people, that's for sure. You will need to say no to every request he makes about helping him with his commitments. And even then he should say no more often himself. YANBU

YANBU

He currently has no incentive to stop and think about whether he can actually keep his promises. He gets the reputation and glory of being someone who is generous with their time but doesn't actually do any of the work.

Voluntary work is great if:

1. You actually do the work rather than merely taking the credit for someone else's efforts, and

2. It's not at the expense of your own family.

Does your dh really want his children to grow up thinking that he is someone who can't be relied on? Interesting that he's happy to let them down but is so careful to keep his reputation elsewhere intact.

I think it is the only rational course of action that you can take. If you continue to take his 'overspill' on, he will continue to overcommit himself. He needs to not manage to do everything he says he will, and he needs to be seen to not manage by the people who keep asking him to do things.

Sounds like my DP (to a point). He's useless with all things technological, but is constantly telling his mates that 'he' (ie, me) will download music and stuff for them and put it onto disc (which I have to buy).

And at the moment we have a full fucking drum kit clogging up the understairs cupboard/living room floor until MIDWEEK because his brother (who has no car but is a fucking drummer!!!) asked DP to collect if from a pub and drop it to DB's house - where he hadn't arrived. So, home it comes with DP and takes up residence.

Quick enough to grumble if I ask for a lift though - and I can't drive!!!

Thank you!

I am so cross with him at the moment, rational discussion is not likely to happen so I'll wait until I calm down.

I've refused to do the programmes so step 1 underway.

yANBU
I'm afraid this is why DH and I are dodging helping with the local scouts. I can see that both of us are likely to end up roped in if one of us says we'll do something.

Used to happen with PTA if I wasn't very careful. DH is a very practical person, very useful, but he has a long commute, his own hobbies and his own DCs. An hour up at school quickly turns into all day.

As the OP says that's not fair if it's your own DCs you should be with.

YANBU.

Agree that voluntary work shouldn't be at the expense of his own family.

If you've already committed yourself to doing things with the kids this weekend, you shouldn't be letting the kids down because your DH has agreed to do more voluntary work than he can cope with.

If he doesn't have time to do the voluntary work, he needs to learn to say no when asked, and learn that he can't rely on you to do the bits he doesn't have time for. He'll never stop otherwise.

Cheeky sod! Does he think you just sit around waiting for jobs from him? I'd have said no too!

I'm afraid this is why DH and I are dodging helping with the local scouts. I can see that both of us are likely to end up roped in if one of us says we'll do something.

This is whats happening here. The scout group is the main culprit here

DH started helping as one of the other leaders moved out of the area and they needed helpers or they couldn't take any more kids in. DH started so DD1 could join. It started as 2 hours a week, then he was asked to help on a camp, next was to come to the monthly planning meetings, then could he take over the accounts, he's now expected to do his Wood Badge, which means entire weekends given over to training courses, and as we're Sea Scouts he has to do additional training, then can he spend Saturday morning bag packing at the co-op, etc, etc. It never seems to be enough and they ask more and more of him

Our Group Scout leader has just quit and DH has been asked to take that over. Ive told him he can pack his bags and fuck off if he does.

I help at Beavers. I do my hour a week and refuse to do any more

The kids don't miss out on anything, I take them. It would just be nice to do something as a whole family sometimes

And he's just got back. Longest half an hour I've ever known.

I am so cross

I sympathise but as a Cub & Scout & Group Scout Leader I wish we had parents like your DH helping .

I am actually quite annoyed at the coverage regarding the Duchess of Cambridge helping with Scouting as Bear Grylls says 'people can just give a couple of hours' - that's just so not true, as freddie has found out, volunteering at Scouting is a huge, huge comittment.

I know I am rambling now, have spent the whole day trying to sort out admin. for our Scout group - don't know what the answer is

It's doing your dc no good for their dad to constantly give them the message that other people's children are more important than them. That's what he is doing by promising to take your dd swimming and then leaving it to you to do.

If this was my husband I would ask him to quit Scouts. Failing that I would not lift a finger to bail him out. All the time you help him, he will carry on doing this.

I know are scouts elderly leader has retired and they are short handed. but neither me or DH enjoy it.

We wanted DDs and we got DDs, neither of us are very comfortable with boys (DH is a football hating geek, not sure what the did alpine rules for boisterous lads are at all. They are just rude to me if I do pick up).

I was a brown owl before I had DD1 and I'm OK at art, craft, cookery a bit of tent putting up if I must. The scouts lets go for a night hike at 0°C is not my idea of fun. I wish DD2 had chosen guides, but she followed a friend to scouts.

I feel rotten not helping, but the Scouts are their own worst enermy. they don't appear willing to cut back on activities despite being short on helpers and I fear doing one job would have you volunteered for 101 others.