Not to force DS to stay over at his dads?

[SirBoobAlot]

DS is 3.3. For all the time he remembers, the two of us have lived here; we spent the first year of his life living at my parents, he still goes there regularly, but obviously doesn't remember living there.

ExP has recently moved into a three bed house, he previously lived in a one bed flat that was not child friendly in the slightest. It was never an option for him to have DS over night until he moved into his new place.

DS has been to play at exP's house several times, is happy going there to play with his toys, feed the fish, knows he has a room there. In the last two weeks exP has finally sorted out furniture for DS's room, so there is now a bed / bookcase in there.

ExP suggested to DS on the phone the other night that he stayed over this weekend, to which DS replied that he'd come and play, but wanted to sleep here. I spoke to him about it again today, asking if he'd like to, and he burst into tears and said that he didn't want to go, because he would miss me too much. He has only spent a handful of nights away from me before, once under six months old, and then maybe four in the last year due to health reasons - two of which my mum stayed here with him, and, in the last couple of weeks, two more where he had a sleep over at my mums house. I had an operation three weeks ago.

Neither exP nor I drive, and he lives over an hour away by bus. DS is testing and much more 'mummyfied' than he normally is at the moment. Because of all of this combined, I am reluctant to make DS do something I know will make him unhappy, because in the long run it will just make it more traumatic for everyone if we do it before he is ready.

ExP is excited about having him to stay over, though I do believe the novelty will wear off for him pretty quickly. Obviously haven't said this. He's now pissed off because when DS got upset when talking about it, I told him it was fine, and he didn't have to do it right now if he didn't want to, that he could just go and play for the day, then come back here.

AIBU here? If he lived ten minutes drive away, then it would probably be a different matter. I don't want to disrupt DS any more than he has been over the last few weeks, and don't want to push him to do something that he isn't ready to do.

YANBU

No pressure and passive encouragement is probably the best way to go.

Anything else would probably be counter productive.

I agree with Worral. He needs time to get used to the idea.

Do you think your ex would be open to taking your ds to choose some decoration for his room? Make it feel like his?

I wouldn't, no. I'd treat it the same as any other sleepover, if he's reluctant to go, why upset him?

I agree that he needs to get used to the idea but you do need to encourage it.

It will be for his own good in the long run if he can have a good relationship with his father.

Of course ExP is pissed off, he's been looking forward to it and now not only did it not happen, you unilaterally said it in front of your son without discussing with him first.

YouTheCat - exP has chosen everything. I suggested a while ago that maybe he and DS could choose some photos to put up (he has an A3 hanging frame with photos of everyone he loves in his bedroom here) or do some canvas paintings together, but think he wanted to pick out it all to match what he thought DS's room 'should' look like.

Niceguy - We have discussed it in the past, thought it was all theoretical before. And honestly I think exP has been too excited to think about the practicalities, and the possibility that DS might not want to go. I have done everything I can to make sure he has a good relationship with his father, to the detriment of my own health, so please do not insinuate that by putting my sons emotions first, I am damaging that.

You say you don't want DS disrupted any more than he has been in the last few weeks....what has happened,and could that have any bearing on him feeling insecure about this?

TBH,I'd try to encourage him to stay,even if it means shelling out for a taxi if it all goes wrong and you get a call to collect him at midnight.Apart from the father-son bond,the time will come when you are ready to enjoy 'alone' time for yourself.

Will exP consider waiting a month or two? At least for DS to get used to the idea and for you to recover? Surely he realises that he has had a hectic few weeks and needs to get over that, he's only 3 after all.

It's a shame he didn't get DS to help with the room, could he be convinced to take him out and make a trip of it to get something special for the room in the build up to staying over?

Hilda, I had an operation three weeks ago, but over the last few months my health has steadily declined. He then spent two nights away from me which, although he enjoyed, has made him more cuddly since. I have a new wheelchair hopefully arriving next week which will mean we can get out and do 'stuff' again, but think that is one of the reasons he is being the way he is.

YANBU. It seems clear your ds would be unhappy with an overnight at this present moment in time.

I would as others have said, encourage him to spend time there and get used to the idea of staying over before he actually does. I can see that your ex would be disappointed but I would like to think he would understand why you have said no. Would he rather he had a very upset little boy on his hands all night long? You say he has only been there to play at his dad's 'several times' so it's seems as if it's still quite a new situation for him. I remember being scared even staying over in relatives houses as a youngster as the surroundings were unfamiliar at night.

I think hanging up paintings in his bedroom the two of them have done together is a cracking idea. Can he maybe bring some of his more familiar toys to his dad's to keep there?

Then I think I would hold off for a few weeks until things at his main home (yours)are a bit more settled.Then he might be a bit more willing to treat Dads place as a second home.Although I think I'd increase the daytime visits to Dad in the meantime,maybe 2 days in a row,just returning to go sleep at yours?

Yanbu he's still only little, he has the rest of his life to build his relationship with every body who loves him.

Let him work to his own time table whilst being as encouraging as you can without going overboard.

If dad can't let him do it to his own timetable then he is putting his own wants above his child's needs.

Have suggested in the last few months that exP has him for both days of the weekend / DS goes for dinner one night after work, but he hasn't wanted to do this. He says he needs time to himself after working all week.

He did keep DS at his for dinner on the day he had him two weeks ago (he had plans last weekend so didn't see DS), but he turned back up at 20.45 with DS asleep in the buggy, having not changed his nappy since I changed him before they went off at 1pm, still dressed in his clothes... Again, he hadn't thought through the practicalities. I have taken over a few sets of clothes along with changing things, so they are there, along with stuff always under the buggy, he just didn't use them.

I made a big fuss with DS about choosing a bag of things to go to Daddy's house, and we painted a wooden dinosaur that he has taken over too, with a matching one here, as thought that might make him feel more at ease.

TBH I think exP got so involved with the physical preparing of the room, he hasn't considered the emotional implications.

Sorry, a few sets of clothes including pajamas.

YANBU. As long as you try and encourager he relationship, you should still listen to what your DS wants. I have always said I would never force my dcs to go to their dads if they don't want to (to others not to them ). I encourage them and as yet they've always been ok after they've gone. But I think listening to their feelings is very very important to help them feel secure.

Atm your ds's world is slightly topsy turvy and he is expressing a wish to not make it even more so. As long as you encourage the relationship generally YANBU to listen to your sons needs.

Thanks all.

DS is going to see his dad today, and has said quite clearly, "I'll play with daddy in town, then go to his house to see the fish, and then come home to see you and go to bed, does that make sense?". So that's that then apparently!!

I am encouraging the idea, and reminding him how much fun he had at the sleepover with Nanny, but frankly he sees more of my mum than he does of his dad, so it's no surprise that he is more confident going to stay at her house.

Skype is a good idea. Suggested it a while ago for exP to say goodnight to DS, will mention it again.

I think YAB a bit U. What a 3 year old says is one thing but he may well end up really enjoying himself & his dad obviously loves him & wants to be part of his life by getting him a bedroom at his house.

Is it possible that your exP could bath and put your DS to bed at your house to get him used to the experience?

RedHelen - he was in tears saying he didn't want to go. And like I've already said, if it was just down the road, or even if I drove, then it would possibly be different. He might end up enjoying himself, yes. But he might also end up hysterical, at which point it would damage the possibility of either of them being happy with him staying for a long while.

JamNan - exP has been putting him to bed here for a while, have been deliberately going out so that he has had to get used to it. So DS is reasonably used to exP putting him to bed here. We also (the three of us) go and stay at exPs parent's for the weekend quite regularly, so again, he's used to exP putting him to bed there.

Think it will just be a gradual process. DS has only seen his new bed once, it's quite a bit thing to expect him to just sleep in it happily straight away.