to have sick, elderly mum come to live with me next week?

[dandilionsareforever]

Mum is very elderly, not at all well and now needing lots of help with personal care etc. Its all coming from me, and as she lives half an hour away its difficult getting to her several times a day, but i'm doing it - no other family support or outside help.

After a really awful day today have told her she can come and live with me - its got to be btter than me going there 4/5 times a day and her being upset all the time.

But now I'm wondering how I organise this in practical terms. Do I just move her stuff to mine? Is it that simple? I'm clueless about what help might be available and how i sort this.

Anyone done this? Any tips? I don't think I'm BU to have told Mum she can live with me, am I?

I am sure it will go fine. Just remember to take time for yourself. Good Luck!

Do you have family/partner at home to consider in this? Having an extra person will impact them & if they are elderly and needing increasing care that is quite a commitment.

If all OK on that front, why not do it as a trial for a month or so, then discuss options at the end of it. You may find it easier to have her there, or maybe she will be less inclined to do anything for herself if she knows you'll do it "in a minute", thus losing more abilities etc.

Does she own/rent her house? How quickly will you need to make a decision on that? If it's going to be vacant for a time, you can get Council tax discount (I think), but not sure of what else you'd be entitled to carer-wise.

It's very generous of you to offer this, but please think through the commitment you are making - my parents had my grandmother living with us for 20+ years and say they would never impose like that on us, they found it incredibly hard, in terms of lack of privacy and knowing when to draw the line and say they couldn't cope any more. Plus things like holidays were complicated, she had to be arranged to be cared for etc.

you are, in so far as it will wear you out, break your heart and you'll have to give it up eventually. but you are a good, kind, loving daughter and your mum is very lucky.

i haven't done what you're doing. but i'd say, sort out a room for your mum, establish routines, don't let her rule your life. even if she takes up all your time.

are you alone, or do you have partner and children to consider?

and phone social services. and citizens advice. find out what help you can get.

good luck. you deserve it, and you'll need it.

But now I'm wondering how I organise this in practical terms. Do I just move her stuff to mine? Is it that simple? I'm clueless about what help might be available and how i sort this.

Call me dim, but either you arrange for her to sell her house, or tell the council/HA that she has vacated. That has a knock on for council tax. Then you sort out utilities, followed by all the other things like change of address for the banks, pensions, DWP and all manner of general stuff as you would do for moving house.

Do you live alone?

Do you have a partner or children that need to be considered?

My dad lives with me (in an annexe). My practical advice would be to contact social services to arrange a visit to discuss a carer coming in to help your mum to wash and dress. My dad has a carer every morning. Also you may be eligible for carers' allowance.

Practical part over. I love my dad living with us. I get to see him a lot so I don't have to worry. He has company, we go out together, he is safe and happy. Of course we sometimes niggle at each other but I'd rather that than him living on his own being lonely.

Oh, last bit of practical advice. Get one of those pendants so that if your mum has a problem and you're out she can speak to someone immediately.

Best of luck.

Ok, OP. First, you have made a lovely gesture towards your DM. You will need support though. Please PM if you wish.

Can you explain about her health/needs/personal care etc? Hugs to you - It must be so hard

You do have to try and establish some ground rules too. Initially my dad thought I would help him in the morning with washing and dressing but I didn't want to (he had a carer when he lived alone). I knew I wouldn't be able to get up early (6.30!) to help out. It's about being honest from the beginning.

Contact Adult Social Care at your mum's local council. What you're after is an Occupational Therapist to visit to assess her need for adaptations involving personal care (bath seat etc) and Activities of Daily Living. There are lots of things they can offer to make things more manageable, keep her safe and as independent as possible. As someone already mentioned ASC can also provide packages of care where carers can visit to assist with these activities, ranging from personal care to meal prep to cleaning. Depends on her needs but could be a couple of times a week up to 3 times a day. Also ask about "re-enablement" or "enabling" care (different terms applied by different places) options available in the area. This might involve some short term intensive interventions to get your mum through this moment in time.

If she continues to really struggle, then perhaps there is little option than to have her come to yours. In that case, contact your own local authority for all of the above.
Your mum is lucky that you're very caring, but have no illusions that it's a big commitment that many family members are unable to make for whatever reasons.

Its just me and DS aged 17 at home - he's okay about mum coming to us, but he will probably just say hello to her and make her the odd cup of tea which i think is as much as i can expect from him.

Set boundaries. You are both used to being the boss in your own home.

Sorry, meant to preface that with... If your mum is the independent sort who is firmly rooted in her current home, then you could contact her LA.

Hate to say this, but when I worked in social services there was a woman who had her 85 year old mum come to live with her. She thought it would be for a few years and it would be fine. 20 years later, her mum was 105, still fit as a fiddle and the daughter was now 80 and needed care herself. Just be prepared for any eventuality.

met a woman on a bus who showed me the old people's home we were passing and said 'i'm going to live there next week. i'll be sharing a room with my mum!'

My mum lives with me so that I can care for her. It is absolutely fine, I can't imagine not doing this - she needed me, I love her, and I'd have to be very desperate before I could contemplate her going into a care home.

Of course you are not BU, I would say do it.... Your fine with it, so is your son. I was in the same position as you, I looked after my grandparents (both in their 90's) , stayed about 1/2 hour away from them & would go to their house after work & make dinner & do whatever they needed done. I used to worry when i wasn't there about how they were coping. I went on maternity leave when i was 8 months & would be there everyday (quite often would be half way home & get a phonecall to go back) It was apparent that they needed much more help than i'd been giving them. Truthfully i was knackered going back & forth once i'd had my baby but i done it because i loved them. Sadly my Nannie died when my DD was 11wks & we moved in with my Papa. Best thing i've ever done. We were all under 1 roof, i wasn't to-ing & fro-ing, i was on hand to to whatever he needed done, i wasn't constantly worrying & my baby gave him a new lease of life! (He would have had to go into a home if i hadn't done this) He died 6 weeks ago & i take comfort in the fact that both of them thanked me for eveything i'd done for them while lying on their deathbed (sorry to be morbid) Your mum needs you & you obviously love, care & worry for her. Your life just now sounds very similar to what i was doing & i don't think you will regret moving her in.

Hollyberry, ok, I'll bite and call you dim. I'm guessing you've not been in this situation!
OP give social services and the occupational therapy department a call and they should be able to give you some help.