AIBU or is MIL re:potty training?

[BionicEmu]

I don't normally post on AIBU because it scares the shit out of me , but this issue is really starting to get to me, so I could do with some honest opinions.

DS is 2.5 years old. He isn't potty trained. We tried a couple of months ago as he was showing an interest in the potty/toilet, but it quickly became apparent that he wasn't ready as he didn't seem to be able to tell when he wanted to go. We have since had DD, who is 8 weeks old, and DS is showing extreme jealousy, and even starting to revert backwards in some areas. So I do not think right now is the right time to try to potty train him either. I have a vague plan to wait until the weather's warmer, so we can spend lots of time in the garden (so saving my carpets from accidents!). I have no intention of persevering with the potty training until he can tell that he needs the toilet though.

MIL has been on at me from when DS was 9 months old about potty training him. Apparently with her son (my DH), she sat him on the potty after every meal until he went. Apparently he was fully trained by a year old (which is at odds to what DH remembers, as he remembers having a horrible accident at a family party when he was about 3, and he also remembers wetting the bed until he was quite old.)

So since DS was 9 months old MIL has been saying I need to sit him on the potty. I've tried explaining that what she did (sitting on the potty until he did something) is not really potty training, she basically just replaced a nappy with a potty. IMO potty training is the child being able to tell when they need to go before they go, then doing their business on the potty. I've also tried explaining that I think there's little point trying until he knows when he's about to go.

All of this is falling on deaf ears though, she always just says "there's only one reason a child isn't potty trained by a year old - idleness!" If I try and explain I just get "it's disgusting that he's not trained, how do you think he feels when all is little friends are trained and he's not? You can't get round this with fancy words and explanations, the only reason is idleness!" FWIW only 1 of his friends is potty trained

I've also said it's not idleness. Idleness basically means lazy, and I'm not lazy, I've made a conscious decision not to train yet. But she just goes on and on about me being idle. She is driving me absolutely mad.

Was the way she trained DH common in the 1970s? Is it just that practice has changed? (Although MIL seems adamant that even if practice has changed, it's changed because every mother is idle. Argh!) DH was born in 1978. I've asked my mum, and she said she did the same as I'm doing, but I was born in 1985 and my sister in 1988.

So please, should I have put DS on the potty from 9 months old? Should I be trying to force him? Who is being unreasonable here?

flossie - that's a technique called "elimination communication" - I think it's only possible if you spend every waking minute watching your baby for the "signs"!

Just wait until your child is ready. They will let you know. Ds was ready at 2 and a half, took 3 days to be dry day and night. Dd was dry at 18 months but she was very fluent with speech and in cloth nappies. I don't know if she felt the wetness more so did it sooner. She just whipped it off one day and that as that!

I don't believe in forcing children into something they are not ready to do. Tell her to butt out

Your MIL is being massively rude and unreasonable. But why suffer the stress of arguing with her? You won't change her mind.

Next time she accuses you of being idle, just agree with her. "Yes, MIL. I'm really lazy. It's terrible, isn't it? I would try to change, but unfortunately,as you pointed out, I'm too idle to try."

It's a version of the logical paradoxes that Captian Kirk uses to get despotic supercomputers/ spaceprobes to self-destruct. I can attest that it is extremely effective in inducing cognitive malfunction in annoying relatives.

Yanbu I was born in 78 and wasn't potty trained until nearly 3.

I'd try again when the weather warms up. Both ds 1&2 were potty trained in warm weather, I wouldn't worry about it though he will do it when he's ready

Which of you will be doing the extra washing and cleaning?

That person, and only that person, has the right to say when your son is potty-trained.

It is crazy sticking a young child on a potty before he/she is ready.
My DC's were born in the 80's and I had a friend with a daughter of the same age whose Mother had persuaded her to stick her on the potty after meals etc.
She got used to weeing every time she sat on hard plastic as I know to my cost when she sat on my sons plastic sit and ride car in my lounge!

Personally I found those pull up type nappies great when training.

Wow - this wouldn't even be about potty training for me. It's the fact she feels happy to talk to you like that, and you let her. I don't tend to spend time with people who directly call me idle or comment on how 'disgusting' one of my parenting choices is. They'd be shown the door tbh.

I'm afraid I would be passive aggressive and point out you want to wait until your son is ready to avoid the embarrassing accidents and late bed wetting your husband experienced.

Disclaimer: I have been around lots of children during potty training and realise accidents are par for the course and there can be other reasons for bedwetting, I just couldn't let her get away with her calling either of you idle or disgusting. She sounds barmy, and very attached to her rose tinted glasses.

Wait wait wait until he's ready - you'll know when! So much easier (and kinder IMO) for both of you. Your MIL is unbelievably rude

I am Having exactly the same pressure to potty train and my dd is just 26 months. It's really unfair as the ILs are not the parents.
Back then, they were told to potty train from a younger age but I understand trying to explain to them how times have changed just falls on deaf ears :(

Your MIL would think me ultra idle then as DS2 was 4 when he came out of nappies.

I had tried him earlier but he wasnt ready so had decided to wait until after we got back from a holiday as thought it would be easier with flying and being in starnge surroundings. However he was fascinated by firstly the plane then American toilets so decided he was going to poo in them. I took nappies off him when we got back and he was 'trained' within days, and with virtually no accidents.

But yes I was very very lazy, washing all that cloth and stuff

Potty 'training' was NOT the norm in the 70's. Both my dc's were born in the 70's and neither I nor my friends attempted any such thing. Sure there were weirdos who attempted it but they were considered strange, even then! Your MIL sounds horrid!

Tell her 'fully toilet trained' is being able to pull down trousers and.pants, get on the loo, do the business amd pull trousers back up.

There is no.way a one year old could do.that.

I was born in 1969 and was trained at around 18 months. My boys were trained when they were over 3. It was the one and only thing my mum ever queried about my parenting. But, she did not have disposables, and the washing machine was an upright contraption.

IMO, putting pressure on at this age, with a new baby would stack up potentially BIG problems for the future.

To add

Both my boys were clean and dry really quickly, very few accidents, no nonsense with portable potties or pullups. I always advocate waiting

I would refuse to have any more conversations with her about it. It's none of her business anyway.

It is crazy expecting a child to suddenly be able to control their bowels and bladder because they've turned a certain age. It's like standing them up as soon as they are twelve months old and telling them they have to walk. If they're not developmentally ready then they're just not.

It's none of her business and I'd be tempted to tell her as much!

We potty trained DS at 2.10 and he was trained within a week and dry at night too. It just makes complete sense to wait until they are ready.

Next time just say " No I can't be arsed"

It's bollocks. She reminds me of mu aunt who insisted that her son was talking in complete grammatical sentences when he was 6m; and of my MIL whose children never had tantrums - though dh remembers having tantrums quite clearly; incidentally, MIL started trying to force me to give dd Ribena when she was less than 6weeks old, too.

I can promise you that though I was born in the late 50s my mother never potty trained me - nor either of my brohers - like that, and certainly didn't even try until we were much older.

Some people are just bonkers. Don't waste time trying to explain or engage at all. If you can't bear to ignore her, then just say something "like that was YOUR baby, this is mine". Let it wash over you, pretend that there's just some slightly annoying, but harmless, bug buzzing gently in the background, and think your own thoughts.

I did the putting on potty thing. It worked for my children. Not my business what anyone else does with theirs though, and I make a promise to my future potential daughter in laws never to say "I had your father sitting on a potty by 6 months".

(and yes, I am a weirdo)

Apologies for the delay in getting back to this thread, was helping a friend with a family emergency & only just got back.

Thankyou everyone for your replies, I was really starting to doubt myself but you've all reassured me. Especially as DS has suffered with chronic constipation since birth, he takes laxatives but sometimes he impacts anyway. Some of his poos have him in floods of tears, bless him. I really wanted it sorted before potty training, he's seen paediatrician since birth for the constipation and severe reflux, which he also still struggles with.

TBH I don't like my MIL. She's always criticizing me over anything, for example my house - she thinks it's a mess (which it's not, except by her standards), so she says things like "Well, some people care about what their house looks like, but we certainly can't call you houseproud!". Or, a few weeks ago they'd been doing some decorating in their house & dropped in for a visit & she said "Well, we've got to get going to tidy up, the upstairs is a complete mess, it's like being in your house!"

We've also had "Well we don't get tears from DS at Nana's house" (when DS was upset); "Well DS always sits nicely on a chair to drink his juice at our house." (When DS was just standing by the table drinking.) Then there's the "honestly, why are you just letting him run wild? You need to give him more rules, such as no shoes on in the house. When he's older he won't thank you for your idleness." And I could carry on all evening...

I could happily never see her again, but DS loves my FIL, who is actually quite nice. So I don't feel it's fair for DS to miss out on a relationship with his grandad just because his nana's awful. Incidentally, DS doesn't seem to like MIL either, won't let her hug him etc.

God, she sounds like a NIGHTMARE!!! Ignore, ignore, ignore. Now, I'm sure your DH is lovely, but do you have any minor irritations with him around the house? Does he for example leave his socks lying around? Never fill the car up? Anything like that will do. When your perfect MIL is spouting her usual drivel why don't you point out these issues as little failures on her parenting and see how she bloody likes it! My paternal Grandmother was exactly the same to my lovely Mum: when you looked at my father, who although great, is completely unhousetrained you really wondered what parallel universe she was on!

Now I've seen your update I'm quite happy to share what worked with my mother.

According to her I was potty trained by 9 months,talking by 13 months and reading lord of the rings alone by 28 months.

Its all bollocks tho because some of my most embarrassing memory's involve wetting the bed at night pissing myself during the day up till I was 11 (yes you did read that correctly it does say 11) its documented in my medical notes that I was mute for years and the only thing I did with books until I was 5 was eat them.

One of my worst memory's is accidentally weeing on the stairs after my delightful sister deliberately locked me out of the bathroom just before my 11th birthday,my punishment was having a towel made into a nappy and being forced to wear it all day.

She started banging on about training when my first child was about 5 months old I snapped when dc was about 18 months after hearing the idle comment once to often handed dc to my brother who took her out of the way then I screamed

"Your a fucking rude lying cunt and if you carry on with your digs and nonsense I will no longer put myself in the position of having to listen. Are we perfectly clear about that? If the word yes is not the only word I fucking hear from you now,then you can fuck off out of my house and never come back"

A bit dramatic I know but she has not done it again nor anything else along the same lines.

I have more than a few minor irritations from DH - he pretty much doesn't do housework. But MIL never taught him to or expected him to as apparently it's women's work.

To answer a question up thread, no, she's not from a different culture - well, DH's family were all born & bred in various ex-mining villages in Derbyshire anyway!

I did lose my temper with her once last year when I just couldn't bite my tongue any more. She'd been here 5 mins and had already had several digs at me, so I shouted "you do not talk to me like that in my house in front of my children. Either be nice or piss off!" So she duly stomped out. Things were better for a weeks after she called me & apologized in tears, but we're back to normal now.

DH doesn't even like her, I'm the one that has to do all the visiting with the children. When I've complained about her to DH, he's just said "she doesn't mean to be rude, she's just too thick to understand that she's being rude."

I was a late 50s baby and according to DM was potty trained by 1 so was DB, apparently everyone was . I think we were just constantly shoved on the potty after every feed and in between.

I do clearly remember wetting the bed though so I must have been at least 3 to remember this. DM did go on about DS not being trained early all the while though. DS was ready at 3 in the day and it took very little time to do but he wasn't dry at night until 4-5 so we put him in pull-ups overnight and just tried to be relaxed about it.