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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for not helping her when she was really ill and screaming?

336 replies

ariane5 · 22/03/2013 10:32

This is a long story sorry.

I currently go to my mums house every day as dcs all unwell and my mum lives near dcs school and helps me, as does my sister.
I don't drive so can't manage to get dcs about by bus etc due to their health problems.

My sister has epilepsy and when she is well she helps me a lot (esp since my dd2 was diagnosed diabetic in dec).when she herself is ill I am there so I help her which means my mum doesn't have to leave work.
The thing is she has a lot of absence seizures and she screams, cries out, goes rigid and doesn't know where she is, she also swears a LOT during them which is not nice for dcs to hear.
She wants somebody to hold her hand till it passes which I try to do but its so difficult as often she is upstairs so I have to leave dcs downstairs and she then won't let go of me and I worry if dcs are ok. I dread it when the call goes up she suddenly screams out and I have to run to her.

Today I heard her and my heart sank-I know its not her fault, she was probably scared but I didn't go up to her, I took dd1 dd2 and ds2 into the kitchen so they didn't hear and ten mins later I checked her to see she was ok and pretended I didn't hear.

Don't get me wrong, I love my sister but the baby gets scared or he cries then in her confused state it makes dsis jump and she gets more confused or she swears then dd2 copies and its horrible.

I feel so so bad for ignoring somebody who was screaming for help.

OP posts:
Corygal · 22/03/2013 20:50

You did have a choice. And you have a bigger one now.

YABU for leaving an epilectic helplessly and terrifyingly fitting, because you didn't want your children to hear it. You thought an 11 year old hearing a swearword was a child safety issue? Why couldn't the 11yo - NT presumably - watch your toddlers for 5 minutes? I'm confused.

But you have the choice to do the right thing now. As you're choosing not to cope, please be honest - at least say that you're not going to cope, maybe not go into the reasons - and tell your Dsis and DM so your sick sister can be kept safe.

To be honest, I think yr DCs would have been much more frightened by seeing their DM bail on close family when they were in serious trouble than hearing someone swearing. They'll be thinking you'll run out on them when they're sick and frightened too.

FryOneFatManic · 22/03/2013 20:53

OP, does your sis have anyone else in with her for her neurology appts? It seems her symptoms are not typical, so is she telling all of this to the neurologist and pushing for it to be properly investigates?

I also think it's time you stood up and said things have to change. It's not fair for your sis to insist that you can help her, when you have disabled children to look after. She should also not be thinking of getting pregnant and expecting you to help with a baby as well.

It's time that outside help was sought.

Corygal · 22/03/2013 20:53

God that sounds tough, sorry - I am on your side. What I mean is that you have to be firm about help - for everyone's sake, not least your own.

FryOneFatManic · 22/03/2013 20:56

Corygal, read the thread. The 3 year old had a blood sugar of 2.2 at the same time. That is extremely dangerous and has to be immediately treated if OP wanted to avoid having the child hospitalised. The child is an unstable diabetic.

When my dad had a blood sugar that low, it was very difficult to get the level back up and he did have to go to hospital.

Corygal · 22/03/2013 21:01

I am ashamed of myself, I only realised it was that hairy after I posted. '

I maintain tho that the OP has got to back out of her Dsis care, and pronto. Dsis having a baby would be, er, a little tricky for all - it's time for some difficult conversations, unfortunately.

Original poster
ariane5 · 22/03/2013 21:04

I am not bothered about my 11yr old hearing a swear word/seeing a fit that wasn't why I ignored dsis, I ignored her as dd2 was needing her blood sugar checking, the baby was crying and dd1 could not have been left with them as she faints a lot. I couldn't have met dsis needs as well. As cruel as it sounds I knew she was in her bed-terrified and screaming, yes but lying down and I checked her when I could.

I went to kitchen with dcs to do check etc as its 5d2 who copies the swearing and the baby gets upset by screaming, cries more which in turn makes dsis more scared as she can't work out what the noise is.

OP posts:
Original poster
ariane5 · 22/03/2013 21:10

My mum usually attends dsis appts with her, I am never told much all I know is what medication she is on and that's about it.

OP posts:
Corygal · 22/03/2013 21:10

I'm sorry I sounded so bloody rude.

You need help - it's not fair to have two small children, one unwell, and an adult invalid needing you all the time - the tiredness is prob due to the babies, to be fair, but no one needs any extra stress and yr Dsis must be a hell of a worry to boot. Not to mention the screaming from all 3 of them...

The situation is unworkable. No one person could cope with what you're battling with every day. Talk to the GP - they will help lift the load.

Original poster
ariane5 · 22/03/2013 21:17

I am not sure it would go down well if I took it upon myself to involve outside agencies.

Dsis wants to have a baby in near future and I think the line of thinking is that if gp/ss etc knew about the level of care she needs then certain things could be an issue when she gets pregnant and I think she is terrified a baby could be taken from her as she isn't always 100 percent well and a baby may not be safe if she doesn't know who/where she is.

I either have to put up with things, beg my mum to give up work or dsis bf has to. If I alert anybody to the situation it could go against dsis and it'll be my fault.

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 22/03/2013 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 22/03/2013 21:26

Really want to post a deletable and offensive word now

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 22/03/2013 21:27
StanleyLambchop · 22/03/2013 21:28

Dsis wants to have a baby in near future and I think the line of thinking is that if gp/ss etc knew about the level of care she needs then certain things could be an issue when she gets pregnant and I think she is terrified a baby could be taken from her as she isn't always 100 percent well and a baby may not be safe if she doesn't know who/where she is.

But if she has a baby all the healthcare professionals involved will be aware of her condition. How will she hide her inability to cope from a health vsitor/midwife? She really needs to put support in place before hand, not just plan to get pregnant then emotionally- blackmail you into being the solution. You need to be firm with your family now, before it is too late. Tell your Mum you will not be your sisters carer. You are entitled to your own life!!

Original poster
ariane5 · 22/03/2013 21:30

Either way I couldn't win-tend to hypo dd2, screaming baby and dd1 off school unwell and leave dsis or:

Leave a ill 3 y o, screaming baby in the care of an 11yr old who faints to tend to dsis screaming and not knowing where she is....

I had a choice, I had to let somebody down. I chose to take dcs to kitchen deal with their needs and ignore dsis until I could go to her.

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 22/03/2013 21:31

Ignore holly's vile post

HildaOgden · 22/03/2013 21:32

Stop doing it for a month.

You are covering the cracks over,the other people in this situation (mother,sis'bf,sister) need to see the actual reality of what is happening.

Rope your dh in to do the school runs for that month....have taxi fares put by if you need to get to the school quick....invent a reason that you cannot possibly leave your house for 4 weeks.But stop going to your mothers house for a month.

I guarantee you,they will wake up,smell the coffee and start addressing your sisters care needs.(and she is being totally deluded if she thinks she can bring a pregnancy/baby into the equation as things stand ...she really needs to see that)

OTTMummA · 22/03/2013 21:32

Ah fuck it,,, do fuck off dear, vile piece of shite.

frumpet · 22/03/2013 21:34

Can i ask an honest question here , is your sister at risk if you are not with her holding her hand ? Is she going to come to any real harm ?

The answers to the above questions will determine whether i think you are being unreasonable or not .

Disclaimer : whilst i appreciate it must be awful for anyone to suffer from epilepsy and i have a child that has , the OP was stuck between a rock and a hard place on this occasion . If her sister isnt at risk of real harm , would it be ok to leave children alone that might be .

Inertia · 22/03/2013 21:35

Ariane, you come across as such a caring lovely person - but you are going to make yourself ill at this rate.

Your sister and your mum need to face up to the ramifications of your sister's illness. It is physically impossible for one person to be the sole carer - and always meet all the medical needs of - 4 people with potentially life-support threatening medical conditions. Your sister cannot expect you to take on the care of another baby as well.

Please post in a forum where you can get advice from experts. This isn't working.

Original poster
ariane5 · 22/03/2013 21:35

I wouldn't mind helping dsis but not to the extent I am now its too much. In an ideal world I like dm or dsis bf to work part time just to give a bit of a break, and of course I would help her when she has dcs but she sometimes sleeps all day and I wouldn't want to commit to caring for a baby on top of everything else. For now its all hypothetical talk but if it becomes reality I will be expected to do too much but to bring up the subject will not go down well. I just can't carry on like this.

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 22/03/2013 21:37

"I read the Op. And my blood ran cold. Op, you are a disgrace to humankind. I'm sure you will validate your choices in your mind. But frankly, you are absolutely sub-human."

It is clear that you and some other posters on here have only read the OP's first post. She has young children with medical issues that couldn't be left.

"I am not sure it would go down well if I took it upon myself to involve outside agencies."

Tell them tough. You can't be all things to all people and you can't be in more than one place at a time. Something has to give.

frumpet · 22/03/2013 21:40

Also , if i were you and your family i would be beating down the door of the neurologist your sister is under to get her epilepsy under better control .

Original poster
ariane5 · 22/03/2013 21:41

Dsis has only got injured when having a big fit never an absence one or the episodes I have described here.

She gets terrified, screams but is always on floor or in bed as they often happen on waking, she seems to have difficulty swallowing when they happen and makes gurgling noises and her arms and legs are rigid but it isn't a full blown fit if you know what I mean its hard to explain unless you see it.
Really she just needs reasurance till it passes but she grabs onto you and won't let go and its so hard when dcs are downstairs or I'm holding the baby as can't get away till its passed.

I cannot say for sure she is in no danger but this morning dd2 was in immediate problems with needing blood sugar checked, consequent hypo etc.

OP posts:
crashdoll · 22/03/2013 21:42

Ariane, in the nicest possible way, you are being unreasonable for NOT telling your mum and sister that you simply cannot care for her anymore. You are not helping but actually putting her and your children at risk. Is that not more important than keeping the peace?

Inertia · 22/03/2013 21:44

Holly, try reading the whole thread and not just the first post.

OP was dealing with a very young child with diabetes who needed her attention to deal with a hypo. This is a potentially fatal condition.

Calling somebody sub-human because they deal with their diabetic toddler 's urgent medical needs is despicable.