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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be getting a bit fed up with this, even though I feel sorry for this kid?

70 replies

StainedTulip · 22/03/2013 10:16

There's a boy who lives on our street who is friendly with my ds (both 10), they don't go to the same school and I don't know the family at all, but they started playing outside after school and at weekends. Nice kid and he and ds get on well, all good.

Anyway he started calling on ds and coming in to play and as we got to know him better he has been telling us lots of news about his family - namely that his mum has moved out because his dad has a new girlfriend. From what I can gather the dad and girlfriend live in the house on our street and he sees his mum sometimes. So it's obviously a hard time for him.

The issue is that in the last few weeks he has been coming over more and more, to the point that he arrives the minute we get home from school and often stays until I tell him ds has to go to bed. He often ends up eating dinner with us. At the weekend he is often already sitting in the living room watching cartoons with ds when I get up around 8.00am.

I feel so sorry for this kid, but he's here all the time. I assume he doesn't want to go home. The other night he turned up as we were about to eat pizza and I said well I've only made one (large) pizza between my 3 dcs so it's up to them if they want to share it out. Then I felt bad for saying that. DS asked him if he'd had dinner and he said he had but he liked pizza!

Not sure if it matters but we are British but not living in UK and the friend is not British.

Should I tell him to go home sometimes or just hope this changes in time?

OP posts:

yawningbear · 23/03/2013 06:36

What a lovely post ZebraOwl. Very wise words I think. I do think it is really important to prepare the boy for your family leaving at some point soon and to try and speak to his dad or other family member. I hope it all works out ok.

NorksAreMessy · 23/03/2013 08:29

When my DH's parents were going through a truly awful divorce, he sort of moved in with his best friend (one of four boys) and his family.

I think without that acceptance, love, attention and calm family life he would have been a very troubled young man.
He looks back on that time positively as 'when I was rescued for a while' as opposed to 'when I had the worst time of my life'

We named our DD after the mother of the family, so important to him were they.

Uppermid · 23/03/2013 08:40

You sounds lovely and very generosus

Uppermid · 23/03/2013 08:41

Generous, 8 can spell really, honest!

Uppermid · 23/03/2013 08:41

Urghh I give up!

toomanyfionas · 23/03/2013 08:51

Thank goodness for people like you OP. what you are doing for the boy is probably making the difference between an unbearably sad childhood and one where he feels like part of a family. I think what you are doing is wonderful and special. I also think it would be fine to set some boundaries to make the situation more comfortable. No point in doing more than you want to as you'll become resentful and that'll be no good for anyone.

zirca · 23/03/2013 09:03

I too would say carry on, but set times that he can/can't come in, so you feel you have some space too. Otherwise you will come to resent his presence more and more.

Peacocklady · 23/03/2013 09:25

I practically lived at my best friend's house when I was growing up. My family was OK, some issues (step-family) but I just loved being with her. There were rules about their tea time etc, sometimes I stayed and I often stayed the night. It never occurred to me as a child I might be over staying my welcome, so maybe set up some rules in a very friendly way. I feel that a lot of my values and security were established by this friendship. She utterly broke my heart by drifting away when we were 15 though!

shewhowines · 23/03/2013 10:55

Yes zebraowl

Very wise words

2old2beamum · 23/03/2013 13:09

Thankgoodness for people like you. That child sounds like me when stepmother moved in when I was 11. Thankyou Mrs Christie for mothering me and to Tulip too!

IslaMann · 23/03/2013 13:17

My DS has a friend like this. When DS was 10, and his friend was 12, they became fast friends. His friends mum had walked out on him and his 3 siblings and whilst he had a great relationship with his dad, his dad was working all hours god sent to make ends meet and left the eldest (15) in charge at home. All 4 kids knew if they needed anything they could knock my door. Only twice did the others ever do that. When DSs friend was 15 he bought me a Mother's Day card. I was touched. He is now 19, and living 200 miles away with his gf. He still calls me mum. You are doing a truly great thing, giving that poor boy some stability.

bangwhizz · 23/03/2013 13:28

YABU You should just say no sometimes!!
You make a lot of assumptionms about his home being unhappy but Maybe he has no siblings his age and is just bored at home.

greendental · 23/03/2013 14:23

You are doing this boy a great kindness op.

Although I'm in my 40's now, I still look back and am so grateful at those friends parents that took me in, gave me some normality and stability, a safe haven and made me feel part of the family. I hate to think where I would have been without their kindness.

Original poster

StainedTulip · 23/03/2013 14:26

Thanks once again for the nice posts. Bangwhizz he says he has an older sister but I agree we don't really know his situation well. In the end it's no big inconvenience to us to have him, especially if there's a chance we are helping him at a difficult time. He has seen us sitting around in pyjamas and seen me telling my dcs off and still wants to come over so he must be filtering out our weirdness....

OP posts:

Original poster

StainedTulip · 23/03/2013 14:27

But yes good point about letting him know we will move sometime, will get ds to mention it.

OP posts:

whiteEASTER · 23/03/2013 17:38

His dad is probably sa at home thinking, I do wish we saw more of Little Johnny his siater has no one to play with.But that little Tulip expects him to be there all the time.Little Johnny is doing him a big favour he has weird parents who sit about all day in PJs , shout at their children and feed them nothing but pizza.

cjel · 23/03/2013 22:42

I have been the child and mum in this situation and would say that the people who say there are no issues are probably mis-guided. Issues don't always come out when you're small , in fact you may not even know what they are you just know you feel sad, but just the fact that his mum has left home is a big enough deal for him to be sad. If his dad did want him at home he would stop him coming.The only thing I would say is to watch your dcs and make sure they are not showing signs of stress with it and keep on the chats about leaving him at some point. Keep on showing this child love and comfort.

ujjayi · 23/03/2013 23:24

Please keep allowing this child to be part of your family for as long as you can. I was that child. Unfortunately, whilst I had some lovely friends, their parents actively discouraged friendships with me because my parents seemingly didn't give a shit/were not "their type"/who on earth knows why?? I always responded graciously to any less than gracious behaviour on their part. And when I was allowed in I always pretended like it was absolutely fine that I had to go home at a certain time.....which was why your comment about him being fine about being sent home resonated with me.

Their response to me, and the behaviour of my parents, made me the mother I am today. I welcome all children into my home and have extended a listening ear, food and a bed for the night where necessary.

I agree with Zebra that a conversation about the situation with a teacher would be a good thing if you feel unable to approach the father. Also preparing him for your possible departure would also be a wise idea.

You are really doing a wonderful thing for this boy - whether he needs it or not.

ujjayi · 23/03/2013 23:25

Forgot to say, of course YANBU to want your own space/feel fed up with the situation :)

shewhowines · 24/03/2013 00:52

fluffy

Apology accepted. We both think the Op is being wonderful by extending this support to this poor chap. Hopefully the support (even if temporary due to the move) will help him get through his parents split. It may well be that this is a short term problem because of the split, but even if the issues are deeper, then it will give him the "frame of reference" for a normal family life, that will benefit him long term.

Op you're lovely.

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