To think I'm a 'mummy martyr'...

[Pilfette]

..and to ask for your help in stopping?

Quick backstory: Met my now DH and relocated, with DD1 (then aged 12), 3 years ago. His job very specialist and non-transferrable, my job not something that I was attached to. Decided, with DH's encouragement, to do a degree via OU and to not work in order to make sure DD1 was settled etc. Fell into being wife and mum.

Moved from a small flat to a big house a year ago. DD2 (17) returned to live with us 3 months ago as the DD's DF (my ExH) terminally ill. DD2 working p/t and doing a 10-4 Mon-Fri course as well. DD1 in her GCSE years and struggling with self harm. Both DDs struggling with their DF's illness.

I'm doing my degree as quickly as possible - finishing up my lvl2 courses now, starting both lvl3 ones in the autumn, so equivalent of being at Uni f/t. I'm doing everything in the house. Every single thing, and neither DH nor the DDs lift a finger. Before I get flamed, I realise that this is basically my fault - I've enabled them to behave like this. Also should add, they're all lovely and I love them to bits. They aren't malicious or lazy, they've just gotten used to it all being done for them. But I'm resenting it a lot. They will step up if I'm ill, without being asked, but otherwise it's all down to me. I realise that I have turned into a mummy martyr and I don't want to be one.

How to I address this with them - preferable in a non-confrontational way, after all, it's me who is moving the goalposts here, but they do need to be moved.

I think the easiest thing to do would be to tag this onto going onto level 3 uni courses - tell them that you're really worred about this your 'finals' year and that it's really important that you get more study time and that therefore you need a chores rota etc.
Then list everything you do and share out jobs.
I would just really lay it on thick and ham up the difference between studying at level 2 and level 3 to cover the fact that you are (quite reasonably) changing the goalposts.

Ah-hah! That's a good plan. I hadn't considered using my final year as leverage. I think one of the problems is that if I was actually 'at' Uni, i.e. out of the house at lectures etc every day, it would be different, but because I'm here it's just happened that I do it all. Thank you!

Maybe set up a more formal 'workspace' and working times to indicate that you ARE studying and not just hanging around waiting for housework to do...?
Good luck

I think badguider's plan is a good one. Can I just add one more suggestion, if you've got into the habit of rescuing people when they have a problem (e.g. DD can't find a book or her socks etc) learning to sit on your hands and letting them sort it out is actually a good thing.

Yep, do a rota.

My mum was exactly the same - we just never knew what it was like to run a house. Every so often she would have a screaming fit and tell us all off, but in the end we were still the same

When everything is done for you, it's hard to see what needs doing. DON'T just expect them to know, tell them they will need to sort their own washing/dishes/whatever and hopefully they will do it.

I don't know.... I'm not sure now is the best time to address it. Their father is dying. They have GCSEs, there's already self-harm -- it's a lot to deal with.

I would maybe try some little changes now, if you really feel you must, but save any big changes for when things are less fraught.

Don't get me wrong, it's good you want to change things, I just think you should be a bit sensitive as to when you do it.

Presumably they will both be out of the house soon anyway? Or at least, living as adults, and it will even easier to change the dynamic.

Actually -- if you do want to change things, why not ask your DH to step up? He's an adult, he doesn't need your support the same way your DDs do right now.

"How to I address this with them"

Call a family meeting, explain that everyone needs to pull their weight and then let them put forward ideas how they're going to achieve it. Don't think you can afford to be frightened of confrontation. Be assertive...

dreaming that's the thing that has been making me wary of changing things. The DDs already have so much on. DH I know would step up but, oh it's that thing he does, the 'what do you want me to do?' thing which makes me in a kind of 'argh - just do something!' way. Unfairly because we have differing, standards, shall we say . Which isn't to say that I'm obsessed but he seems to have some blind spot when it comes to general kipple.

Jackie that's what worries me. I don't want them to be hopeless adults. and I think I do the same thing as your mum

Chaz yes, I do this as well I must stop, I know, it's just enabling them.

Cogito Ah-hah. You mean letting them suggest how we go from here? Actually, that's quite a good idea, saves me laying down the law and trying to drag them the right way.

Thank you all, especially for not flaming me, which I might deserve

Family meeting and draw up a rota.

Then if anyone wonders what they should do they can check the rota.