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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my DF for an 'advance' on my 'inheritance'

99 replies

Greatscotty · 21/03/2013 06:28

My DM died a year ago and since then my DF and me have finally begun to have a father/daughter relationship, free from the jealousy of my DM.

He helped me through a horrible divorce, lending me the money to fund a sol whilst I was waiting for the family home to be sold. When it did, I paid him back every penny - I wanted to, he accepted it.

I am renting a house which I can just about afford but I know I could live more cheaply if I buy and I do have a good deposit to put down on somewhere. But I live in a very expensive part of the country (expensive because it's trendy rather than it being particularly beautiful or cosmopolitan IYSWIM). I am in my early 50's and work full time so a mortgage will be harder to come by but I can do it.

DF is always asking if there's anything he can do to make things easier/better. I say no, I'll sort it, but the truth is I don't think I can afford a decentish home unless I ask DF for some financial help. How much I don't know, but maybe £15,00 max. He's not wealthy by any means but he and my DM were savers and he "has a lot put by" that is willed to me.

Am I a grasping DD to go to him and ask him for help? I feel like I am and I'm aware that my DM's 'legacy' is that I felt like I didn't deserve anything.

Your thoughts would be really helpful. Thank you.

OP posts:
CabbageLeaves · 21/03/2013 06:31

What about offering him part ownership? All legally agreed and apportioned. That's a way to start the conversation.

If you were my child I'd want to help but might find that less 'grasping' ?

pansyflimflam · 21/03/2013 06:33

No I wouldn't. I think it is rude, sorry

EmmaBemma · 21/03/2013 06:33

Ugh. Tough one. I personally couldn't bear to ask my parents this but I think my husband could ask his dad without fear of feeling, or looking, like a grasping mercenary type. Only you know the relationship you have with your dad well enough to have an idea whether this would go down OK. For what it's worth, I don't see that there's anything wrong in principle with asking.

ZillionChocolate · 21/03/2013 06:35

I thought yabu from the title but next time he asks can he do anything, why don't you say "not really dad, I manage day to day, the only thing I can't do is buy my own house but that would require £15,000 so I'm resigned to continuing to rent"?

raspberryroop · 21/03/2013 06:36

Tell him the situation and say it would help you BUT that you really do understand that if he's uncomfortable with it will be no problem. Only do it though IF it REALLY is no problem to you.

Original poster
Greatscotty · 21/03/2013 06:37

Crikey, that was quick. Thank you.

I've never asked for help before, always been independent, had to be. But yes, I feel like it is 'grasping' and that's why your views are so helpful. If the weight of objective opinion is IABU then I won't ask.

OP posts:
Indith · 21/03/2013 06:41

I wouldn't ask for it as an advance on inheritance but I would ask for help yes. He keeps offering, just talk about it with him. Hell my parents always want to help me when they can and although pride makes me want to do it alone I do accept because I know that no matter how old my children I will always want to help them rather than see them struggle.

Astelia · 21/03/2013 06:41

Another vote for saying something next time he offers. As a parent I would want to know if there was something my DCs needed as perhaps I could help. Have you any siblings who would be upset by this though? Having read how wills and inheritance can split families, I would always take care to treat my DCs the same, even if their needs were different.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 21/03/2013 06:42

Well, there is no inheritance while the person is alive. At that point, it is just 'their money'.

That said - he's your dad. And it really sounds like he wants to help you. It doesn't hurt to ask him to help you. He has the choice to say no. make it clear that you know it is a HUGE favour to ask and you have no problem at all if he chooses to say no, you will understand completely.

It is wrong to believe that your parents money somehow belongs to you, that's true. But it doesn't actually read like that's your perspective, not truly.

It is not wrong to ask your family for help. As long as it is just asked, with no belief that you have the right to their money.

Original poster
Greatscotty · 21/03/2013 06:43

So I've not done myself any favours in the thread title, I can see that. It would be help I'd be asking for, not "Oh Dad, can you sub me some of what's coming my way?."

Sorry folks, badly worded thread title. It's not the way it looks. Blush

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 21/03/2013 06:43

Not joint ownership, unless you are happy with the tax implications.

Might it be worth having a general conversation about how you wish you were in a position to buy? Then if he is at all encouraging, you can say how much you would need to save up. Then, if still encouraging, ask him.

But make sure it's easy for him to say no.

Bossybritches22 · 21/03/2013 06:44

Rather than ask for it as an" advance" why not approach him for a "loan" given that you had a business like arrangement for previous help?

Treat it like he is the bank you are a customer & work out repayments etc then there should be no need for embarrassment.

He can always say no!

Indith · 21/03/2013 06:44

Incidently when dad helped me out a couple of years ago my gran was not well, he knew she would die sooner rather than later so he gave us some money as an advance from inheritance from her (all legal, done through deed of arrangement) so when she passed my sister got the full amount, I got mine minus the money dad gave me.

Original poster
Greatscotty · 21/03/2013 06:45

No there are no sibs.

OP posts:
CabbageLeaves · 21/03/2013 06:48

My parents have done what Indiths have. Small amounts but helped my sibling. It's their money. Their choice. Doesn't bother me what they do with it. I hope they keep enough to have for their own care should they need it

MrsLouisTheroux · 21/03/2013 06:51

I would let him know you're struggling. Tell him the facts and your fears and concerns. He will then be able to decide for himself if he can help financially. Trendy areas are expensive - what a waste if its not particularly nice. Can you look for somewhere nice where you are not paying a premium for living in a certain postcode?

Original poster
Greatscotty · 21/03/2013 06:51

I'd thought about a joint ownership thing, but it was the tax implications which put me off. Plus he intends to put me on the title deeds of his home in nearish future (for his own reasons).

OP posts:
Numberlock · 21/03/2013 06:55

However much he has put by in savings, be mindful if potential care costs in the future. My mum also had 'a lot put by' which is now dwindling towards nothing after 4 years in residential care. So I would have an open discussion with him about the whole area of finances, power of attorney etc.

Original poster
Greatscotty · 21/03/2013 06:56

I don't feel I can honestly ask for a loan - I'd be asking for help to afford to buy.

My other option is to borrow more than I want to, however, that could put me back to the position I was in when I needed to sell the family home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greatscotty · 21/03/2013 07:01

Numberlock one of the things I admire about my DF is his ability to plan ahead far, far into the future.

Having said that, he is as vulnerable as the rest of us if the law changes or something unforeseen happens which changes everything.

What's coming across loud and clear is I need to have a conversation with him about this. This is something we're still getting to grips with.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 21/03/2013 07:07

Has he been saving to pay for a care home of his choice?
And possibly being able to pay for that so you get the house later (is putting you on the deeds an attempt to avoid forced sale?)

The money is still his; you have to make sure it's easy for him to say 'no'

MoYerBoat · 21/03/2013 07:08

He's your dad, just tell him the situation and let him know how he can help if he wants to.

Original poster
Greatscotty · 21/03/2013 07:13

Auntie Yes. The house is left to my DC's in his will, i think. I will be on deeds.

I have no other involvement in his estate. DF's sol is appointed executor.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greatscotty · 21/03/2013 07:18

And yes, it will be easy for him to say no. I'm honest but I just don't like asking and I hate talking about money - it's not something we ever did in my family.

OP posts:
AngryFeet · 21/03/2013 07:24

If he has money saved anyway maybe look at Lloyds tsb lend a hand or barclays springboard mortgages. Might be a more appealing prospect to him since he will get his money back plus interest.