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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to get up at 5am to help dh find a tie?

58 replies

Mrneedy · 21/03/2013 01:05

he has a function/benefit

I've found his suit
Sourced a new shirt
Waited in all morning for it

Rinsed it, ironed it
He works hard, long hours, I dont mind helping

Then just as he was going to bed, he said
I might need your help in the morning to sort my tie

Really??
I said no, he should sort it now
He's now asleep

I am not getting up at 5am
He's known for weeks that he had to get this sorted

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrneedy · 21/03/2013 10:14

It's a dicky bow tie, one of those things that he uses twice a year maybe, he knew he couldn't put his hand on it straightaway, I was more likely to know where it was
He oftens asks where x is, a certain tshirt/sweater because he knows I do the washing so I'm more likely to know if it's still in wash basket or back in drawers
I don't run and get it for him

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 21/03/2013 10:16

But still he expected you to run and get it? Hmm

My DH works very long hours but he puts his clothes away, does his own clothes sorting and packing etc.

diddl · 21/03/2013 10:19

But then I would just say-it's in X place & let him do it.

I put most stuff away.

But there's no mystery-for example underwear is in the underwear drawer...

The owner should still know where stuff is!

Thumbwitch · 21/03/2013 10:22

See this is why I refuse pointblank to put DH's clothes away for him, because then I avoid all the "where are my socks/pants/tshirts/shorts" etc. bollocks. Grin

YWNBU - if the man can't even work out that he needs to find the tie before 5am, he's barely functional and probably shouldn't be let out alone without supervision. Dear God.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 21/03/2013 10:25

If my DH asked me to find him a tie at 5am if tell him to sod off.

He's a grown man FFS!

My H puts his washing away, I leave it in a pile for him. He irons his own shirt too. You are not his mother.

BerthaKitt · 21/03/2013 10:27

I can't imagine a man buying, washing, ironing, etc a whole outfit for his wife's work then being expected to get up at 5:30 to sort her handbag for her. Or even just being expected to wake up early specially for a reassuring 'snuggle'.

It's shocking that some (many?) men think this should naturally be done for them and their partners see it as their job to do these things for their men. Some women actually seem to feel it's something to be proud of, that they are 'needed' like this.

We are people too, not some lesser species bred to serve.

FryOneFatManic · 21/03/2013 10:41

I do the washing, but DP is still able to know where his stuff is. He is perfectly capable of checking if an item is still in the washbasket, in the washer or drying without me having to tell him.

He is perfectly able to wash iron and sort his own clothes.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 21/03/2013 10:58

Dh does all the ironing here. He irons 3 dcs school uniform, his work shirts and my work clothes.
I do the majority of the washing, and I fold up clothes that do not need ironing.

I have never needed DH to find me any clothes at 5am. He has never needed me to do that for him either.

Surely if you cant find something you just look for it? How many places can a tie be??

ArtVandelay · 21/03/2013 12:16

My DH tries this bollocks all the time and then acts all hurt and bewildered when I give him the rage and tell him to piss off.

diddl · 21/03/2013 12:48

It amazes me that men would be hurt by this.

If someone offered to do that for me I'd be wondering why they thought I was incapable & wanted/needed it doing.

But that some grown men actually embarrass themselves by asking a partner to get stuff out/ready for them...

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 21/03/2013 12:52

Bertha - quite.

I have on occasion helped DH to pick out a tie to go with a new shirt or suit, especially if he has a job interview. He is colourblind, so the results can be interesting if I don't! Grin

OP - did you really organise a new suit for him?? Hmm

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/03/2013 12:52

DH does a fair share of the washing, ironing and mending. He has never asked me to sort out his clothes for him. Probably because he is an adult and I am not his mum. Hmm

Pandemoniaa · 21/03/2013 12:56

I do the washing too. It suits me. But DP knows exactly where it all goes because he's an adult and quite capable of sorting his own clothes out. I am not his handmaiden and certainly not at 5am when I am incapable of civil speech!

BabyMakesTheBellyGoRound · 21/03/2013 12:58

DH occasionally asks where the socks are cause they are in a pile of clothes on the landing but as he is an adult he is more than capable of dressing himself.

DoJo · 21/03/2013 13:25

How many places are people keeping their clothes? We have a wardrobe each and a chest of drawers - i.e. a finite space in which all clothes are kept. If it isn't in the wardrobe, it's in the drawers - can there be that many places to look that it needs two people?

RevoltingPeasant · 21/03/2013 13:57

yy Bertha. I think my DH would be quite weirded out if I bought him clothes - except as a Christmas gift or similar - I actually have no idea what size he is. We do laundry equally, when it needs doing, and put away our own stuff. I'm actually not 100% sure how he organises stuff in his wardrobe so wouldn't know where to find his ties etc.

To each their own, I guess, but I'm really glad my DH doesn't expect me to do stuff like this for him.

Original poster
Mrneedy · 21/03/2013 14:18

He dug out his suit, didn't have a shirt
He was trying to order one from work, but he just got too busy so I took over and ordered it, next day delivery
He's a big size, so couldn't just go in a shop and buy one

He has a wardrobe in our bedroom, but also drawers and wardrobe in spare room

OP posts:
MrsSpagBol · 21/03/2013 17:40

berthakitt each to their own i suppose. I have to say i find you a bit judgemental though.

My husband doesn't wake me up at 5 am every day, or even every time he needs to leave at 5am but there have bern occasions when he is facing something monumental and does need a reassuring word / snuggle before he leaves. How is that mothering him and all else you went on about?

I have had a situation - going to my final chef training prac exam - where I was literally nauseous with nerves and i did wake him up before i left (early) as i was about to faint with fear and just needed some encouragement! I would have thought that is part of being in a marriage / partnership?

Confused
Pandemoniaa · 21/03/2013 17:55

I would have thought that is part of being in a marriage / partnership?

But the circumstances you describe are a bit different. The OP's husband, on the other hand, thinks it is acceptable to wake his wife to sort him out a tie. But while we are on about what constitutes being in a marriage/partnership, how about consideration for your partner? I'd say that was quite an important element of being a couple too.

MrsSpagBol · 21/03/2013 18:04

Yes Pandemonia but OP said it was some big do he was going to and I was merely suggesting that he might have been nervous?

Nowhere did I advocate just random daily crack of dawn demands - which would be inconsiderate.

Surely my DH waking me up once or twice in 9 years together hardly constitutes a complete lack of consideration for me? If that's how you would judge my marriage that's up to you but I think you are being a bit OTT. Imho.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 21/03/2013 18:22

MrsSB, OP said early on her DH isn't nervous about this kind of thing.

MrsSpagBol · 21/03/2013 18:29

Yes but she didn't say he does this all the time / doesn't do any housework at all / cant dress himself at all etc!

I just think some of the reactions are a tad extreme, without any context. Never mind.

nocake · 21/03/2013 18:33

I'm a bloke and if I'm leaving the house early I creap about trying not to wake DW. It's completely unreasonable to expect her to get up to help me and why on earth would I need help?

StuntGirl · 21/03/2013 18:47

Sorry needy am Grin at how much 'sorting' a tie could need! I assume he's had some degree of notice for this event?

MrsHoarder · 21/03/2013 19:03

MrsSB there is a difference between waking someone up to say "I'm really nervous" and to say "I can't find an item of clothing.

DH is the opposite, wouldn't dream of waking me unless I need to be up at the same time (or earlier as an alarm clock that can shift me has him wide awake and shaking me to wake me up).