To feel kind of rejected by my mum

[fizzykola]

I am feeling very low about this so while anyone is of course entitled to say IABU (which I why I am posting here) I am asking please be a bit gentle.

I've had a pretty steady relationship with my mum all my life, but feel increasingly rejected by her. She and my dad live just over an hour away by car. To them that's really far. Tomorrow she is coming over to stay over to look after the DCs (age 3 and 4) all day Friday as both DH and I need to work.

The last time I asked her to do this was exactly a year ago. Otherwise they come over once in a while arriving at 11.30 and leaving at 3.30 to 'beat the traffic'. However she spends lots of time looking after my sister's DC who lives in the same city as them - although a 40 min drive. We also go through at weekends every 4-6 weeks as the kids love being with them.

I just rang to ask if she'd mind coming over a bit earlier as DH has a (very) last minute interview. After a bit of humming and hawing she agreed - which is great of her and I am very grateful. But when I suggested she and I go fo lunch on Saturday to a really lovely restaurant to say thank you (reservations hard to come by but I happen to have one for Saturday lunchtime) her reaction was pretty much one of horror 'but that would mean spending three days with you' (actually it would be two but who's counting).

I feel hard done by on several scores. Mainly for my kids who I I feel don't have the same day to day closeness of relationship as my niece has with them. I'm not in it for free childcare - as I say I only ask about once a year. I suppose I just want her / them to WANT to spend time with my kids. She's absolutely great with them when she does spend time, she just always doesn't offer. I guess she wants a 'tradiotinal' visiting grandparent role with us. She's probably even more of a homebody as shes got older (shes 66). I've tried talking with her but it was a disaster and she just closed up.

The hardest thing is she pretty much begged us to move closer when I was pregnant with DC2 so they could help , which we did. It was a massive move from south to north.

I guess I just need to accept that's how things are but it makes me so sad and angry at the same time, and there's no outlet for it. Although i actually feel better for just putting my thoughts down here.

Coping strategies, anyone?

It's hard when a GP is reluctant to want to spend time with their GCs on any terms other than their own - i know, my mum was the same when mine were young.

(very reluctant to do any actual useful 1 to 1 babysitting, but very vocal to anyone who'd listen about how much positive 1 to 1 input she had on he GCs upbringing )

All i can suggest is that you try to 'rise above it', IYKWIM, and try to make the best of the time that the DCs do spend with them. Not much help OP, sorry.

The hardest thing is she pretty much begged us to move closer when I was pregnant with DC2 so they could help , which we did. It was a massive move from south to north.

This ^^

This is what would piss me off.

Thank you fluffy I know you're right and that's the mature thing to do

I would probably cope by moving to where I really want to live.

My own mother expended much more effort on my sister's DC by the way, but it wasn't my sister's choice. Drove her mad sometimes, tbh.

Aaw, you poor thing. YANBU but try not to see it as a rejection of you - more that perhaps your mum is getting older and more set in her ways. I have a friend who's mum will drive to my house, a 20 mins journey but not to her daughter's which is a 40 mins journey. And she will never drive at night. She is definitely not more fond of me - its just easier for her. My own MIL finds my house a bit uncomfortable because she is older and a little heavier so getting around my house is hard for her. She probably would avoid staying for more than a night or two. Hope others will chime in shortly but I would try very very hard not to take it personally. You could try talking to her again about how you feel and how you would love to spend more time with her but try not to sound accusatory in any way. Good luck to you.

Thanks linerunner. We are happy living here now. Tooka while as these things can. And it wasn't the only reason we moved. Work life balance was another.

I sympathise alot.

They want to be seen as helping but they really don't want/cannot cope with the hassle.

Keep in mind also,they may not know the roads near you very well, they may be less at ease with driviing in your area and less familiar with it.

I think some behaviours can be blamed on habit. You may be viewed as pretty independent and therefore in the GP's minds may not need so much help. (handy excuse for them!).

Anyway what can you actually do about it. Nothing!!!

My mother is incapable of being honest and open. Her reactions breed insecurity and paranoia. All I can try to do is rise above it.

I agree that you should try not to take it too personally, until you have tried to get to the bottom of it.

Ask your mother what would make her visits to you / stays with you more comfortable. See what she says.

Also sympathise with you.

But why make a massive move and not move close enough - I also think an hour is far.

Thank you all for being sympathetic. Bringing a tear to my eye must be hormones. I think when it's about your own kids it's so much harder to not let it get to you or take it personally. I never saw this shift in our relationship coming.

It's just where the job for DH was lauriefairycake. An hours drive compared to a flight or 10 hour drive seemed like a pretty good compromise.

My mum lives an hour from me, and I visit her every fortnight as a day trip. That doesn't seem so onerous to me. She visits me at the moment as she looks after the DCs one day a week while I work, but my DF hardly ever visits (maybe a day every two years).

I think its what you are used to, but driving does get very stressful for people as they get older. I saw it in my grandma, and then my dad, and I think that when my mum stops coming, she will find it too much too.

If you are serious about wanting your kids to have a better relationship with your parents, then I think you need to do the bulk of the travelling. Sorry.

Ah fizzy I could have written your post. I have found no way to deal with this situation. Sorry, no advice really except to say that you may have to accept the 'crumbs' that you're thrown and try to come to terms with it.

I find the constant rejection or revision of my invitations exhausting and draining and then have to sit through the spiel she tells her friends that they would love to see more of us and their 3GDSs but apparently I'm too busy (I'm not and never say I am).

I have tried the tears, shouting and having it out with them route and it achieves nothing.

Sometimes I sit and wonder about what I'm doing that makes them so distant but then I don't really believe I'm 100% to blame and currently I'm just numb to it all.

Do you have a good/helpful relationship with the DCs paternal grandparents? That's carried me through.

You're not alone. It's frustrating and hurtful, I know.

It doesn't help you, but I know exactly how you feel. It takes my mum 30 minutes to drive to mine. An hour round the M25 to my sisters. My mum will drive to my sisters at the drop of a hat. If I ask her up to lunch etc, she has every excuse under the sun. The best one was on my birthday 'oh I can't I have my slimming club the next day'. I can't drive, and have to take 3 trains to hers and it takes 2 hours, but I make the effort every couple of months.
I don't have DC, my sister has 3. She probably feels she doesn't have to make the effort with me.
You're not alone.