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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to see an old school friend on my own?

17 replies

inaworldofmyown · 20/03/2013 12:37

Am a long time lurker but have lost all perspective on this so would welcome any advice/opinions. Apologies in advance for the length but will try and get it all in in one go. A few months before Christmas I lost my job, a week before Christmas my 89 year old dad suffered a bleed on the brain and has been in and out of hospital since although now hopefully out for good although he has also been diagnosed with dementia. I have since become a bit of a part time carer as my mum is 86 and also struggling. A few weeks ago there was a small reunion for my secondary school year and I managed to go along with a friend. It was a perfectly lovely evening although we arrived fairly late and so I did not manage to speak with a very old (male) friend who I have not seen since school. Since then he has asked me through facebook (yes I know) if we could meet up one lunchtime for a drink to fill in the gaps so to speak. I have more or less agreed to this but no firm time has been fixed. I had not mentioned this to my husband. At this stage I would mention that this is my second marriage (7 years). I love him completely and we started our relationship whilst in the death throes of my previous 20 year marriage but it was by no means the destruction of it iyswim. A few nights ago while I was in bed a message came through about this meet and my husband saw it. He didn't tell me but was really off with me yesterday and today. When he got into work this morning he texted me to say he knew I was meeting up with this man and it had to stop now. I'm not completely sure of my reasons for not mentioning it to him so far. He is very nosy and I thought he would get the wrong end of the stick maybe. I was never attracted to this man but was attached to him in a friendly way and would love the chance to catch up. I have however lost my perspective and am starting to think I was being unreasonable in thinking I could meet him on my own? As far as I am aware he is happily married. I would also mention that a month or so ago I had the opportunity to go away to Egypt for a week with my best friend but this was also vetoed even though he managed a long weekend away in Ireland albeit to take his dad home after xmas (he lives over there and had been staying here). Please don't flame me too much. .

OP posts:

StuntGirl · 20/03/2013 12:43

Did you cheat on your ex husband with your current one? Does he have any reason not to trust you?

I would make it clear I was going anyway and that he had no right to dictate to me where I can go. I would also apologise for not telling him but say I hadn't even thought to tell him until you'd made firm plans, as it didn't even register with you that he might be upset. But you can see that he is so you'll respect his feelings and keep him in the loop in future.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 20/03/2013 12:44

Well regardless of the fact you want to meet him (nothing wrong with meeting an old friend) it's the fact that you didn't tell your DH. Why be so secretive?? I would have no problem with DH meeting up with an female school friend but I would start reading stuff into it if I found out and he hadn't told me.

INeedThatForkOff · 20/03/2013 12:45

Well I can see where his insecurities have come from (previous affair, secrecy) but now it's out I'm the open he is BU. The holiday thing is utterly unreasonable if he vetoed because he didn't trust you, rather than bacause you couldn't afford it.

meditrina · 20/03/2013 12:51

"I had not mentioned this to my husband"

Which explains why he is mistrustful.

If I found my DH was having lunches with a woman and not mentioning them, I'd be suspicious. The lunch isn't a big deal. A meeing that looks like a secret assignations is.

I think that you need to be totally transparent in any future contact with this man. And if DH requires reassurance, I would give it. If that means meeting the man, why not invite him along. You're not ashamed of DH, are you?

Booyhoo · 20/03/2013 12:57

it depends really whether you would have mentioned it if it was a female friend you were meeting. do you always tell your DH when you are meeting people, i know some couples do but others dont and so to mention it on teh occasion it was a male friend would be odd.

SashaSashays · 20/03/2013 13:03

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I don't tell my husband all my social plans. I might on the evening after the lunch when I saw my DH mention in passing that I had been to lunch but not necessarily.

I guess I can see why your husband might be wary but 'it had to stop' sounds very melodramatic, has he got the wrong end of the stick? Can't you just explain to him, surely once he sees that you are just going for lunch not commencing a full blown affair he will get over himself.

Why can't you go to Egypt? Sounds such a pain in the arse, you should go anyway.

ENormaSnob · 20/03/2013 13:05

Yabu

You got together with your dh whilst still married to someone else and now are concealing meeting up with another man.

JammySplodger · 20/03/2013 13:18

I can kind of see why he'd be put out - there are many threads that come up on MN along the lines of 'DH has arranged to meet up with an old friend, who knows might even be an old flame' and the OP is told red flag!

Why not reassure him, show him you FB conversations & texts etc, and suggest that you all meet up - you, DH, school friend and his Mrs, plus any children you have.

YABU to meet him on your own.

Original poster

inaworldofmyown · 20/03/2013 13:19

I didn't cheat as such. My husband and I had decided to split up, it just gradually fell apart however we had to carry on living in the same house for the best part of a year till some equity was released and I managed to buy my own house. During this 'separation' time I started to see my now husband but I think he has always felt some guilt over it (he is a catholic, strong religious views) and has occasionally said that maybe if he had backed off the divorce would not have happened (this is so not true). I can only assume that this is why he may not trust me although he insists that he does but from what he has said to me I don't think this can be true. He has asked me to see it from his perspective which I have but he goes to lunch with women at work all the time and I just accept this.

OP posts:

Original poster

inaworldofmyown · 20/03/2013 13:22

He also did meet my old school friend when he came to pick me up from the reunion. He sat with us all for a while. The meeting if it happens would be weeks away for various reasons, I may well tell him that it would be happening nearer the time but he certainly doesn't know what I do every minute of every day.

OP posts:

Patchouli · 20/03/2013 13:30

Are you quite young?
I just don't feel a need to 'fill in the gaps' with people I knew as teenagers 25 years ago. If we were that close we'd still be in touch.

JammySplodger · 20/03/2013 13:33

Actually I'm going to amend my last post,

YANBU to meet who you want, when you want, including male friends.

But

YABU to make your DH worry about it. If he's controlling about it then you need to deal with that. But if he's just unnerved by it, then you need to put his mind at rest.

Bejeena · 20/03/2013 13:35

Hmmmm you see if a woman on here posted and said that her husband was meeting up with another woman he knew from the past and she didn't like it there would be uproar.

Original poster

inaworldofmyown · 20/03/2013 13:56

No, I'm not young, I'm nearly 55! It may sound odd to want to meet up with people that I haven't seen for about 35 years but we were a very close knit bunch at school and time and distance has gradually separated us. This was a friend who I knew all through school along with some others who I have recently come into contact with again (yes through facebook) and I am so glad that I have. It is lovely to speak to those people again and looking back I do wish that I had made more effort to keep in touch but at the time you don't realise you are going your separate ways so to speak, it just happens.

OP posts:

Mumsyblouse · 20/03/2013 14:03

I think your husband is being unreasonable about the holiday, surely you holiday with who you choose, as long as you have enough money and you both get to have holidays together as well if that's what you prefer.

But- meeting up with this guy, I would not have a problem with my husband coming along, and I can see why your husband is querying why you didn't a) tell him b) invite him along (even if you hoped he wouldn't come). It has made it look a bit suspicious even if it is not.

But- I wouldn't be so fussed about this, I would be fussed about the holiday, and ultimately I would go and meet a friend on my own from the past, but I would have told my husband about it anyway. I have a feeling you knew he would react badly which is why you omitted to mention it.

Original poster

inaworldofmyown · 20/03/2013 14:11

I sort of knew he would react badly but I also thought he would react badly to my wanting to go to the reunion in the first place. He's really not a bad person but he has a very stressful job and does expect me to be there when he gets home. I am by no means the little woman at home all the time but he is quite emotionally dependent on me because of his job and his family all live abroad. The holiday did put me out because he is aware that I need one after the past few months and money is no object really, he was just shocked that I even mentioned it. We usually go away a few times together during the year, I have been away with my daughters before with no problem but just lately he seems to be questioning what I do.

OP posts:

snuffaluffagus · 20/03/2013 14:18

My husband wouldn't have a problem with me meeting an old school friend for lunch and I probably wouldn't remember to tell him straight away either! We frequently say to each other "oh I'm going out tomorrow night, forgot to tell you" etc.. He has to trust you! Ask him why he has such a problem with it.

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