to be upset at DP's lack of emotional intelligence?

[likeabonnet]

Last night my grandma died. I, my parents, my uncle and my lovely brother were with her.

We went home together to have a drink. I asked DP to come and get me as I didn't want to make the journey back by myself.

When my brother let him in he sort of hovered outside the kitchen where the whole family was having a drink. He sort of said hi but didn't come him or offer his condolences or anything.

He is 34. He has never been through a death of someone close before (not in adult life). I have a number of times and feel like I know how to find the right (well, there's never anything 'right' but you know what I mean) thing to say when other people suffer loss. I do remember before I had had this experience then I would occasionally feel tounge tied.

Am I being too hard on him? I haven't said anything to him yet (back late last night, off to work early this morning). My family is quite big and daunting sometimes....and I suppose in a way I didn't want him to have to come right into the kitchen so I took off rather quickly. Maybe he didn't get the chance to find the right words?

By the time he came round a bigger family group had gathered.

I think you've answered your own question, big family being daunting and the fact he has never experienced death before. Probably was worried that he'd say the wrong thing, that tends to be the main reason people don't say anything. I come from a big family as well and my DP can be like this too, what he does at times like this are all the practical things that need doing, like when my DF died he got all the grand kids fed, helped my mum with the car etc. He's just a naturally quiet man.

He is showing he cares in other ways. I'm obviously emotional right now so I think I am over reacting. He has been lovely this morning so I don't think I will mention it.

he probably felt really awkward. sorry for your loss.

I wouldn't mention it, he sounds really like my DP. Great support in his loving quiet way. So sorry for your loss, take care of you and yours. Babsxx

Sorry for your loss. It sounds as if he saw you were needing support (as of course you would be) and is reacting, so I think he does have emotional intelligence. If it were me, I might say casually that it would have been fine for him to come in and offer his condolences btw, he didn't need to feel shy, but I wouldn't say more than that and I wouldn't make a criticism of it. He just wasn't sure what to do for the best.

I hope you and your family are coping today. Take care.

Sorry to hear about your Grandma.

I agree with BabsAndTheRu and I would add that I expect your DP felt extremely awkward and he may well be silently annoyed with himself for not knowing the 'right' thing to say.

I don't know if it is a question of knowing what to say because you've experienced it yourself. I think some people just find situations like this more difficult to handle than others but it's difficult to say without knowing your DP or how he normally acts with large gatherings of your family.

Thanks all. It's one of those times you know it's for the best to stop suffering, but it's still hard.

He is often tounge tied - and on other occasions completely (and endearingly) loud and very jolly. I think he probably was just worried about not saying the 'right' thing.

My job involves talking to people about their problems so I guess I probably have high standards.