Jealous of the nanny

[Samie10]

To be jealous of my nanny spending more time with DD than me? It upsets me every morning. I know she is in great hands and is happy. I have to work, there is no question of that. I feel like I am missing out on the important day to day parts of her life and have this irrational fear that DS might prefer spending time with the nanny over me....

I understand how you are feeling (I've been there) but there is no choice but to put your child's emotional wellbeing over your own.

Far better that she is having a great time with someone she really likes, than having a miserable time with someone she hates, even if her desperate desire to see the back of the nanny every evening would make you feel better.

Of course you already know this, it just hurts, I know, but you are doing the absolute best thing for her and that's what counts.

thank you....it makes me so sad, I know she is happy and the nanny loves DD to death but just wish it was me there...this morning before work I put her down for her sleep and she was crying. Nanny told me 'i dont think she is tired, i think she is hungry'...i fiogot she hadn't finished her bottle when she awoke. I should have known that. Sorry just having a moan.....

I understand - I often joke that I am surprised I will have to pay for childcare - surely they should be paying me for the privilege

But you've obviously picked the right nanny and he knows you are his mum.

Today is my first settling in session for ds at nursery preschool - loads of emotions but I think and hope it is somewhere he will enjoy

Sorry she

Know that feeling well - I console myself that DCs are lucky enough to have someone else who loves them too. Then we have a big family cuddle and I know 'mum is best'

Maddening I say that too! In a perverse way I am glad I am not alone, I was starting to think there must be something wrong with me - I have a happy child, an excellent nanny - yet I have been feeling so upset, I could sit at my desk and cry. Sorry you are all feeling this way but its normal I guess!
I race home after work and make a huge fuss and always make sure we do something fun (DD is only 7 months so that can be banging a drum for AGES) and lots of hugs and kisses.

You are feeling what's natural and doing what's right. It's good for a child to form bonds with their carers but it stabs a bit when they do. But better to deal with it how you are than how my friend did, although for complex reasons and no blame intended. She deliberately chose three different settings for her child so that no one would spend more time with her dc than her-and that was her stated reason.

Molehillmountain what happened to the child?

OP - sorry your feeling this way but perfectly natural. Sounds like you are doing the best thing for your child under your circumstances. You like and trust your nanny and your baby is loved and happy. Much better than the mum Molehill described.

He's okay-I think they're finding him hard work at the moment but I don't know whether you can pin an eight year old's behaviour on childcare choices as a baby!

Oddly enough Molehill there was an item on TV yesterday - some sort of study that would have blamed just that.

I think if I were forced to judge I'd say that decision along with a general not putting child's needs first and not listening to their child doesn't help. But I don't think they know it - they're not wilfully doing it iyswim.

Op I know exactly how you feel so can sympathise fully. I have been in education since ds was born. I hate it, I hate that he often spends more time with my mum than me, but I know in the long run its the best thing.
But its bloody hard!

I'm a sahm and i see a lot of kids with their nanny and then another day with their mum. Whilst all the nannies are really great - it's always v clear who's mum. It's a completely different relationship. So don't worry.

yeah I used to be a SAHM and whenever I took my DS to various activities you could always tell which children were with their nannies. The nannies were always brilliant and the children clearly loved them but its a different relationship as PicaK pointed out. As much as a nanny may love the child it is at the end of the day a job and they wouldnt do it for free.

OP - I'm sure your nanny was being helpful about the bottle this morning, and was probably right, but I do think you should remain confident in your mothering ability, please don't let their relationship begin to make you feel insecure about your decisions.

Remember that you are her mum, and you make all of the important decisions; you will be with her forever, while the nanny is only temporary.

Thanks everyone! I skived off the afternoon, took her shopping and went mad in ELC (got ripped off for more rubbish we don't need) and went home and had a good play and a cuddle. I feel much better now!! Thank you xxx

Op its good you work but do you have to work so many hours? less hours more time?

I mean, if what you are paying the nanny is it most of your wages then i dont see the logic in not being a sahm or even work part-time?

I can tell you love your child.

i was a nanny once. my wage was exactly what my employer earned, but she couldnt be arsed with her child (whisky bottle on saturday night baby-her words) and couldnt be bothered with it, yet when child got too close with nanny she sacked them and got another one. poor kid.

That's very unfair marj and I think you know it. There are so many reasons why people work and the decision is often very long term. The op has not said she works loads of hours, not that she needs to justify it and you are coming dangerously close to judging her for working. Just to reiterate, op, you're doing a grand job and the feelings you're having show that the decision you made for childcare was with your dd's interests at the centre otherwise you wouldn't feel so sad.

I wasnt getting at the OP at all for working, read my post properly.

nor was I comparing her in any way with my employer, i said she clearly loves her child, but was it at all poss she could do less hours-even one or 2 if she could.

apologies if my post came out the wrong way, i wasnt being unfair or judgy at all.

Maybe Ops a single parent who needs to work but Im sure there are ways to compromise?

I'm glad you had a lovely afternoon OP. I think that's what it's all about really, just making the absolute most of the time you have together.

Samie, glad you had a lovely afternoon :)

I think you're doing a good job. You're setting a good example to your child, you're working for a living. You employ a good nanny and clearly have her best interests at heart. Your child will not suffer for it, possibly quite the opposite. Guilt is a wasted emotion. She/he will remain your child no matter how many hours you work. Please don't feel bad about anything. Be proud of yourself.

'I often joke that I am surprised I will have to pay for childcare - surely they should be paying me for the privilege'

'I say that too'

I am assuming you are not actually saying this out loud in front of paid nannies/childminders?

There's a great point made in a book called 'Toddler Taming' by Dr Green that small people don't have much of a concept of time so spending 'quality' time doesn't have to be in huge chunks - as long as it is regular and consistently there. I understand where you're coming from - I work full time (currently on mat leave though) and feel sad that I have missed so much of DD1's development BUT I need to work, we can't afford for me not to AND if I were a SAHM I would not be a good mother as I'm just not very good at entertaining pre-schoolers. One of the most guilt inducing and liberating thing to admit is that childcare is better for my child than me doing it. (I would be one of those annoying, reading by 3, writing music by 4 type of pushy mothers). I am a better mother because of it and she gets a better mother daughter relationship than she would do otherwise. Whatever choices we make we will have tinges of regret at the path we didn't take because life isn't black and white. However if you are also jealous of the nanny for missing the tantrums, the vomit, the whining and the infuriating repetitiveness of toddler activity then maybe it's worth reassessing everything.