Come and kick me, I can take it

[Downandoutnumbered]

We moved house last year, from a flat in central London to a house in zone 3. We moved for all the usual reasons - couldn't afford any more space where we were, schools were terrible and going private wasn't an option. DH actually wanted to move out to Salisbury to be nearer MIL, I wanted to move to South London as all my friends live there. We compromised on this house as I really couldn't face the commute from Salisbury. On paper it's great: good transport links, good local schools, nice neighbours.

But it's a modern box with a garden. DH wanted the garden for DS, but if we have another summer like the last one it won't amount to much. The garden feels like a complete millstone round my neck - I'm hardly here so won't get any benefit out of it, I don't have time to do anything with it and I constantly feel guilty because the other houses in the street have lovely gardens. And the house's low ceilings feel really oppressive coming from our flat in a Victorian conversion.

I was neutral about the house when we first moved in and thought it would grow on me, but the reverse seems to be happening. I really don't like coming home to it. DH and DS like it. I also don't like the longer commute to a dreary suburb, and I really miss our old area.

Rereading this it sounds like the definition of a first world problem! I know I'm lucky to have a roof over my head. But AIBU to be daydreaming about moving back to town once DS is at secondary school?

Have you done any decorating since moving in? Is that an option or buying new pictures/cushions/ bedding. Try putting your stamp on it and have some visuals that you'll focus on rather than ceiling heights etc...

As for the garden go for low maintenance bushes rather than plants and flowers. Our garden is like this, we often get compliments on it despite doing almost NOTHING to it (a gardener comes in twice a year and I do some pots once a year).

1st world problems are still problems so don't worry about that that, it would be U of me to say "Stop complaining at least you have a home" because it's bleeding obvious that you acknowledge that, it's a given.

Therefore YANBU. You've given it a fair shot, you've tried to love your box... unfortunately although I'm a great believer in compromise, this is the chance you take. Does Salisbury see, worth it now?

All you can do is talk to your DH. Spend some annual leave really trying to make your home lovely, not because you want to stay there but think of it as getting it sale ready, who knows, you may like it more with your stamp on it?

Agree with above, get some bushes/shrubs... you can get very pretty, low maintainance flowering shrubs, a seating area and bob's your uncle. I think you do need to put some time into it (which I appreciate is limited).

Salisbury definitely does not seem worth it! The commute would kill me: I'm out of the house 14 hours a day as things are. The move has really confirmed how much of a Londoner I really am.

You're right that I need to put time into it. Work has been crazy since we moved, so I haven't even thought about decorating etc. It doesn't help that none of the furniture from our old flat looks right in the house, but that's going to take some time to replace. Unfortunately neither DH nor I is good at making houses look nice - I don't have much visual imagination and it's hard to know where to start, especially when I'm knackered with work and a toddler.

Oh I feel your pain.

We've been in our house a year now, have done loads of redecorating, new kitchen etc and I still dislike it . Every day I think "why did we buy this, what was I thinking?" We bought it because my DH really likes it but I didn't like it from first viewing and now I feel that I was rail roaded which is leading to inner resentment.

I miss our last house even though. The garden wasn't really practical and I miss the area too.

I suppose I'll have to get over it as we can't afford to move but I still look at Estate Agent's websites daily.

This post won't have helped you at all, sorry.

If you don't like it you don't like it - and I sympathise; there's something about low ceilings that prompts a ridiculous reaction in me. I'd hate to live in a low-ceilinged house.

But - you're not there forever. You can cope for now - there's no rush. Forget the garden - if it comes to it pay someone to just come in for a one-off day and do what they can to get it going. In a year or so when your toddler is older and work has maybe calmed down you can rethink it - somewhere nicer in the same area?

Are you sure a lot of this isn't driven by how completely knackered you are?

I sympathise, very strongly. Can you maybe start a double-pronged attack - one small home improvement job a month, plus saving a small amount each month to 'buy' bigger changes? I suspect your house will look like a twat if you try and 'Victorian-ise' it, but you may find that there are other decor styles which appeal to you and make the house feel like you live there.

Remember its still winter though, when I look out at my garden right now all I see is bare fence and twiggy sticks, it looks pretty miserable.

Once the evenings start being warmer and lighter and you can sit out with a glass of wine after work and survey your land, you might realise the benefit of moving.

If not, you can always just use this move as a stepping stone and not permanent.

Sorry to hear you're in the same boat, Slainte. Or possibly slightly worse as I don't feel railroaded: the house was a genuine compromise. But I do feel bad about wanting out when DH is happy in it, especially given that it's phenomenally expensive to move and the house works very well for DS.

Spot on, Hassled. The house feels like a much bigger problem than it really is because I haven't got the reserves of energy or imagination to tackle it. I really need to get a new job, but I've got to stick this one out for another year or it'll look dubious on my CV.

If i'm completely honest I feel the same about my house. Slightly different in that I loved it when we first moved in but further down the line I just see the down side to it.

We've made it our own so that isn't the problem - we still have the garden to do which will cost a small fortune as it's so boggy. A cheap makeover isn't an option as it all needs pulling up to put drainage in especially now we have a little un.

It doesn't help that my 'dream house' is on the market and has been reduced by £60k but it is still out of reach especially as i'm now on Mat leave - still £260k sounds much better than £320k doesn't it.

Honestly I look around my home and just see what else needs doing rather than what's been done. Most of it now, apart from the garden, is a coat of paint job to keep it clean and fresh but it just seems never ending.

I'll shut up now - i'm whining!

I am going through a really shit time with depression just now and feel like i have the world on my shoulder - mnet is the only thing keeping me going. So when i read a "first world problem like yours".................

I can't see what your problem is - of COURSE its a problem, it sounds positively grim and I would be miserable too. How to turn it around? could you

a) sell and move somewhere else in the area?
b) invest into getting the garden professionally landscaped?
c) move away - you tried the compromise, it didn't work and you are unhappy

Don't be hard on yourself - have a chat to DH, tell him how you feel - maybe put a time frame in your mind, 6 months? try and get involved in the local community? You work so that would be difficult i understand but i would imagine that there are others in your boat - quiz evenings? weekend stuff? voluntary stuff you could do as a family?

Just some thoughts - chin up x

Thanks for not flaming me, everyone - I felt I was being really pathetic and self-pitying about this.

We could sell and move somewhere else in the area, but we'd have to compromise on location to get the kind of house I'd actually like, which would upset DH (he's at home with DS so really notices things like distance to local shops). Getting the garden done professionally is definitely a thing to look into and might make me feel quite a lot better. I don't think moving right away is a serious option: we need to be near a decent primary, and we also need to be in West London rather than any other quarter because of MIL. DH accepted that I just can't do a longer commute than I do already on top of the hours I work, so we probably can't afford a nice old house, even a small one, in another area with good schools.

Why is the garden your millstone if your DH wanted it and he is at home?

Right, we moved from a victorian era terraced with high ceilings to an ex council house with ceilings and windows low enough to make 5ft tall me feel like Gulliver so I know how you feel about that one. The trick is to make it seem taller. White walls, woodwork and ceiling is a good start, no dark colours and if you can avoid blinds on the windows of rooms that catch the sun that makes the whole place seem brighter.
Definitely get a gardener or landscaper in if you can, that will make things easier.

No flaming here. It's miserable to live in a place you don't like.

You don't say anything about your financial position, but could you afford to talk to an architect or interior designer about making it look better? (This is the sort of thing I can only dream of, but if you could, it might be an option that wouldn't take too much of your time?)

Failing that, can you take some annual leave and spend time moving furniture about, hanging pictures, all that sort of thing? You say your furniture doesn't look right in the new place - if you got chairs etc re-covered, would that help?

The garden is a joint millstone but only I feel guilty about it. DH can't realistically do much with a toddler in tow while I'm at work - I'm sure there are people who manage gardening as a toddler entertainment, but I've no idea how!

Getting involved in the community sounds a nice idea in principle, but when? Weekday evenings are pretty well impossible, and weekends seem to disappear in seconds.

Has anyone used an interior designer? Are they a complete waste of money? I don't think an architect is the answer unless we knock the whole damn house down and start again!