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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is DP

21 replies

mamasr · 18/03/2013 22:09

Ok so basically he has just brought up that in a couple of years time he wants to relocate to a city (that is 35/40min drive away from us) to work. That would mean selling our house which is in a lovely rural(ish)area (great public transport links and also easy to drive to said city) and moving into probably an apartment. This will all be around the time DS is starting school. The main reason we bought this house was because the village has a brilliant school and family etc are very close by. Told DP I do not want this as was DS to have the best start in life ie. great school, safe area etc. which we are very lucky we can give him. He has said I'm not taking into consideration what he wants and DS will be more open minded if he went to a city school?!?! I'm probably the most open minded person you'll meet and I grew up where we are now (DP grew up in very similar area too) so I don't understand this statement he's made?! He also said what make that school so good anyway and its my choice not his?! If I am BU please can someone tell me why because DP is annoying the hell out of me and I don't know what I'm supposed to do...

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 18/03/2013 22:12

Why can't he just drive to work?

CloudsAndTrees · 18/03/2013 22:12

There has to be more to this than just schools. If this is just an idea he is floating then YABU to dismiss it completely and get annoyed.

What about houses, are his side of the family close to where you are now? What's his commute like?

LaurieFairyCake · 18/03/2013 22:12

You do nothing. Sounds like he's either sounding off, is pissed off about something else, or is telling you he is bored living in the sticks.

Whatever. Ignore until he actually means it - I'm going to go with he's having moan and just trying to wind you up cos he's pissed off.

tootsietoo · 18/03/2013 22:13

Neither of you are being unreasonable. It's a big decision about lifestyle, and it sounds as if you need to seriously talk about what you both want out of all areas of your lives and don't rush a decision.

Booyhoo · 18/03/2013 22:14

hmm, i think both and neither TBH

if you bought that house to be a long term home in which to raise children and go to that specific school then he is BU to change the plan and expect you just to follow him

however you are BU to refuse to listen to his viewpoint and TBH i think might be a bit biased if you grew up in that town and are just refusing on that basis. (also, i'm not sure how living in teh same town you grew up in is proof that you are open minded? it's actually more likely that you aren't as open minded as you haven't travelled very far from the similar mindsets that you have grown up with)

livinginwonderland · 18/03/2013 22:14

ignore him until it actually gets serious. if he wants to work in the city, he can commute.

Lueji · 18/03/2013 22:15

Why are you even discussing what to do in 2 years time?

By then you could easily want to move to a city and he may well want to stay.

Do you think he may have better carreer prospects in the city?
Would it be too long/expensive to commute?
Are you planning more children?
Are you a sahm? How would your work prospects be?

hwjm1945 · 18/03/2013 22:18

If he anything like most blokes he will do no planning and it will all fizzle out.

Original poster

mamasr · 18/03/2013 23:15

I've lived in other parts of the world but came back to live near friends and family. His family live 10mins away from where we are now & we went to same high school & sixth form so friends are local too. Planning two years as next year he wants to work a contract in New York so we are moving there - wouldn't be able to be permenant due to visas and DP wants it as experience to get access to a higher standard of work over here. I'm not sure why he couldn't commute.. There's a train every hour which is straight through and takes just over an hour or he could drive which probably during rush hour (he wouldn't actually travel at this time though) would take max 1 hour 15mins unless there was an accident it takes 40mins if its quiet. I currently am SAHM but do plan on getting back into work after we come home from New York and possibly maybe some part time work before then. Have said in the past that if an offer he couldn't refuse came up in his work then we would move but not for that kind of distance. He's bringing it up now because I said I'd look into renting out our house when we were in NY & he said that we may as well sell then we could move to city when we got back?! Really hope he's just talking a load of rubbish - we bought this house as a long term plan not just somewhere to live.

OP posts:

maddening · 18/03/2013 23:52

could you look at rental of crash pad in the city - bedsit etc? Weigh the cost of his commute up against the cost of rent.

additionally - calculate cost of move - eg agents fees, stamp duty, solicitors fees, removal fees.

yanbu to want to stay - if you can find another workable solution and weigh up all factors before a final decision.

Original poster

mamasr · 18/03/2013 23:57

Can't see a rental being any where near cost of commute plus I don't really like the idea of DS not getting to see his dad but thanks for the idea. If DP actually thinks all this I'm not sure we are going to be able to be together.. I don't mind moving away for a few months at a time but I want my children (DS) to mainly grow up here surrounded by family & friends... I'm going to let him have his sulk and try to talk with him tomorrow. He's being unreasonable tonight & can't see why I'm annoyed?!

OP posts:

blackeyedsusan · 19/03/2013 00:03

how is it in the childen's best interests to move to an apartmant in the city? it is not fun living in the city in a flat.. it is not as good for the children. it sounds all about him..

I am a city apartment dweller with childen. would love to move.

DoJo · 19/03/2013 01:05

I don't really like the idea of DS not getting to see his dad
If DP actually thinks all this I'm not sure we are going to be able to be together

These two statements seem contradictory - do you really think your son growing up in your current area will be more beneficial than having his parents together? It sounds like you don't want to move, which is fair enough, but it might be worth trying to consider your reasons more objectively.

Floopy21 · 19/03/2013 09:51

It's only 35 mins away, just commute there surely

CwtchesAndCuddles · 19/03/2013 09:51

How old is ds? How long have you and dp been together?

It sounds as though he is questioning his future and is now unsettled by the though of settling down in one place.............

I can understand why you are upset by this and I think you need to have a few long heart to hearts about how you both view the future.

wannabeEostregoddess · 19/03/2013 09:57

Sounds like your DP is fed up of the country idyll and wants to live a city life. It doesnt sound like a child friendly plan at all and I can see why you are annoyed.

Its 40 minutes ffs. A lot of people commute far longer than that. Hes being ridiculous.

WilsonFrickett · 19/03/2013 10:20

I can see his point. You're off to NY for a while, why be tied to coming back to the same place when you return? If you have cash in the bank he could go anywhere and pursue any opportunity - you don't uproot the family and go to NY for a year or so, simply to want to return to the same old same old on your return.

Children don't melt in cities, either

BaronessBomburst · 19/03/2013 10:31

Why would you want to live in an apartment with a young child when you have a house with, presumably, a garden? DP is nuts. He can commute.

dreamingbohemian · 19/03/2013 11:20

Don't you have to be married to get a US visa to go with him to NY?

I think YANBU to be upset that he is questioning your long-term plans... but at the same time he has every right to question them, it's his life too. You might also have a nice life in the city and it's worth looking into. Cities have good schools and flats with gardens too!

It's possible he's looking ahead and thinking that after all the excitement of NY, it will be hard to come back to a more rural location.

I think the most practical thing is to rent out your house while you're gone, and then see what you feel like doing when it's time to come back.

dreamingbohemian · 19/03/2013 11:25

And to be really fair, you should consider all the trade-offs. Yes, it's nice to have a garden, but it sounds like your DH would have to commute over 2 hours every day. Wouldn't it also be nice to have him home more? To have more possibilities for your own work? Lots of things he may be considering.

DeWe · 19/03/2013 11:26

I agree with that you both are being a bit UR.
You need to discuss it, not dismiss it out of hand. He is UR for not thinking of this before you settled.

But I did at "I'm probably the most open minded person you'll meet" becasue you're not exactly displaying an open mind to this idea are you?

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