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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for hoovering help in return for helping with oh's website? Or am I taking the piss?

22 replies

Episode · 18/03/2013 20:47

OH and I have decided to have a cooling off period and he has moved out until we settle quite a few things. I have children mon-fri and he has them on the weekend at his parents. Ive had them all day today, they finish nursery at 1pm and sleep at 7! He knew i planned to take them shopping, to their karate class then the usual dinner, bath, bed! We are amicable (were until today) and he called me this afternoon to help him with some technical issues on his website. My response was 'no problem' it'll be pretty quick but could you run the Hoover upstairs! I wanted to take one thing off of my to do list so im not up all evening. I have a few other things to do and I wanted to fit as much in before the evening slump hits! Was I BU? He says since this is now my house I shouldn't ask him for any help and that I'm essentially taking the piss! I assume it's because he either thinks I'm treating him as some sort of skivvy or I was being tit for tat in asking for his help in return for helping him.... Sorry if this seems like a ridiculously trivial post but sometimes it the little things that are a problem and I wonder if I'm going mad and my perspective is screwed or if we have real problematic issues with perceptions and point of views in this relationship....

OP posts:

RandomMess · 18/03/2013 20:51

So he expects you to help with his website but he won't help you with your work?

LittleBipper · 18/03/2013 20:53

He's talking bollocks, he's taking the piss asking for help with his website if you're taking the piss re. the hoovering. We have me maintaining my husband's website on our weekly list of chores.

Original poster

Episode · 18/03/2013 20:54

Erm I suppose so! Does the context count for nothing I.e my house, he's had them all weekend etc?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 18/03/2013 20:55

nah it's his website why should you help?

ChippingInIsEggceptional · 18/03/2013 20:55

He's being a git.

Ask him (if you haven't already) why it is OK for him to ask for help for his website, but it's not OK for you to ask for help around the house where you (doing him a favour) and his children live (and create mess)??

Seriously, with a take take take attitude like this, it's no wonder you have issues that need sorting out!

RandomMess · 18/03/2013 20:55

He does his website, you do your house

Original poster

Episode · 18/03/2013 20:58

Lol well that was my arguement, i help you, you help me, simple! But i didnt actually mind and i wanted to emphasise that rather than loose ground in making him see he was BU!

OP posts:

Smartiepants79 · 18/03/2013 20:59

Umm if he expects your help then he should expect to help you out a bit as well. How long would it have taken him for heavens sake.
Another example of extraordinary pettiness and selfishness.
What a wally!

Original poster

Episode · 18/03/2013 21:40

Bump, want a few more answers, I'd like to share!!!

OP posts:

foslady · 18/03/2013 21:44

OK, if he won't barter your time, let him pay for it.............

Original poster

Episode · 18/03/2013 21:48

foslady he did

OP posts:

Original poster

Episode · 18/03/2013 21:48

Feels like such a silly situation.....

OP posts:

Booyhoo · 18/03/2013 21:56

i admire your quick thinking. i'm the sort of idiot who will do the favour and then 2 weeks later after reading a thread on MN will think "huh, i should have gotten something in return" and then will text to ask for help as payback for that 'favour' and get laughed at.

i think you were well within your rights. if a friend asked you for help on tehir website they would owe you a favour back. at least that's how i treat my friends, we dont ask for help for free and know we will be paying it back in some form or another when friend needs something done.

i'm not sure of your previous arrangement when you were together but did you usually help with his website when he lived there? why does he think your time should be given freely?

Booyhoo · 18/03/2013 22:00

what do you mean he did? you mean he paid you for the work you did on his website?

TWinklyLittleStar · 18/03/2013 22:04

If he paid you money then YWBU.

Original poster

Episode · 18/03/2013 22:19

No he paid somebody else!

It's interesting as I think a lot of our problems come from a bit of tit for tat, trade off sort of thing and I think that's been a massive problem in our relationship as it prevents me acting naturally and out of kindness!

But saying that and looking back my actions dont reflect that, and importantly I don't feel it's always been reciprocated. For example, I suffer form headaches quite badly and I feel very conscious of asking for a break. Again, thinking back to the dreaded days of babies and breastfeeding and nighttime feeds and no help! Some of this has changed and I usually get met with you hold to much resentment but I do, especially when I find him quite honestly selfish and his nice acts seem very calculated. I.e. I bought you that or I gave you a break then and then or I pay for the youngest to go to nursery in the mornings (so I can start my business) or I come home early etc etc...

If I listed or even counted all the things I do and have done over the years I there's no denying who took or takes the brunt of this relationship (parenthood - even now) but surely that's no way to live a relationship and I think he finds it hard to grasp that resent can not disappear unless the other person feels genuinely appreciated through realisation of what actually happens in our day to day lives with the children, and the past is correctly acknowledged...

Sorry for the ramble, hope you understand x

OP posts:

foslady · 18/03/2013 22:21

Don't understand the , where did you say he'd paid you?

If it's your house and he paid you for your time I think he was in his rights to refuse. Do you normally ask your customers to do your housework?

Booyhoo · 18/03/2013 22:25

yep, i'm getting a good feel for this guy and your relationship and i think you are better apart and definitely make no moves to be back together unless you have been to counselling together and talked these things out because he doesn't sound at all liek he has heard you WRT the resentment and him taking without giving.

foslady · 18/03/2013 22:25

Sounds like you started to barter the whole of your relationship between yourselves OP, instead of doing things for love. If one person starts doing this all the time, then it's easy for the other person to fall into the trap of doing it rather than saying 'No, this is a relationship, not a business'.

Think you both need to look at this relationship and it's dynamics if you want it to work out

Original poster

Episode · 18/03/2013 22:48

Sorry foslady the face was meant to mean confused at him! No he didn't pay me! You are right though, there has been a time barter and perhaps it was started by me in the days when I used to do 90% of everything and talking/explaining didnt make any difference whatsoever. I think he always felt he did more than he did and was unrealistic about how much actually got did iyswim! It was my way of showing him, rather than talking which he says I do too much of!

booyoo pretty sure he has not heard me but I think he feels I am crying over the past, when some of that is sill clearly evident today!

OP posts:

foslady · 18/03/2013 23:03

Ah, I understand now!

I always used to do far more in my relationship with both exh's, but it never really came to a head until dd arrived and he got more dictatorial about housework, and by that time it was too late, he stopped listening, and from what you've said I wonder if something similar happened with you.

Crap, isn't it? But if he didn't do it before, he's come in with the same viewpoint, so hence the arseyness at being asked.

I wouldn't ask in future - nor would I offer to sort out the webpage

StanleyLambchop · 19/03/2013 07:54

Is it a business website, or a hobby? If the former, does it earn him money? If it is for his business then he needs to factor in the cost of professional help to keep it up to date. Not just rely on his ex to do it for free. Tell him it will cost him x much ( hoovering the upstairs) for you to do it, or he can pay someone. If it is just a hobby website then tell him no way- not essential.

YANBU.

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