To tell friend how it is?

[babyfirefly1980]

Bit of background..my friend has a DD with her XH and a son with her new partner. XH lives near us, we are in a small community.

New DP has a bit of a temper to say the least, 3 years together and he has put holes in various doors alot of temper flare ups. He has a poor relationship with friends DD, and today she mentioned and incident that happened last night. There was a row and her DP broke a lamp in her DD's room causing alot of upset as you can imagine.

Friend has issued ultimatums before for these type of incidents, she has alot to say about her XH and things he does wrong with there child, so basically we had a bit of a fall out because I said to her 'would you put up with DD's father behaving this way to her? why do you defend DP and back him up when you would not put up with the father doing that?'

Now I'm the one whos out of order apparently, was IBU?

No yanbu, poor kids... think you were right to say what you did

I don't think YABU, maybe she's fucked off because the truth hurts.

Small community, mmm, news travels fast, unless she getting her child to lie to the other parent.

She better face up to the situation soon, before she loses her child, most parents would object to that sort of behaviour around their child, she will end up in court trying to retain custody,

Ask her how she will explain it in court, because that is the reality,that what will happen next.

She is going to need friends, and support, so pace yourself, no one should have to live like that.

Thank you, I thought it was time to say a few things. Obviously can't say what I said in full incase someone recognises me.

I will support her, but not sugar coat things.
Her ex will know because DD will tell him

YANBU but you cannot win in a situation like this. Sometimes people don't want your opinion, they just expect you to listen endlessly and be forever supportive and sympathetic, while they fail to see what is right in front of their eyes.

I had this recently, the bloke is a violent twat, and the little girl in question is not his, though they too have another together. He calls her unspeakable things, and hits the mother. I put up with months of tears, being supportive, listening almost every day. Until in the end I had to say enough's enough, it was affecting me, my DC (listening to it now and again) and emotionally it was draining, she is still with him.

My Mum rang SS in the end, but they did nothing. Good luck OP you're going to need it.

I am always hearing how narky and how he has nothing nice to say about her DD, they have a terrible realationship but he is aloud to disipline and be treated like he is a father figure.

I have heard him speak about DD before and he has a very negative attitude, bear in mind he never wanted kids. Is any man worth the agro?

Have you asked her directly what she sees in him? What are her justifications for remaining in this relationship?
I wonder if you might be able to persuade her it wouldn't be worse without him if you knew why she was with him.

Yes I have, she admits herself that life would be less stressful and easier alone so god only knows why she stays.
The house is hers, council rented and his name is not officially on any documents so no worries about a home

Does she stay with him because she's scared to be alone? Loves him?

You need to tell her that if this continues ss are going to become involved and her daughter may need to be removed for her own safety. I would tell her that I couldn't respect anyone who allowed a man to terrorise her daughter in her own home and would be calling ss myself if she didn't stop facilitating this abuse. Then do.

thezebra

You are totally right with your suggestion. What is to say that this awful man might hurt the child even accidentally through his temper, it is always possible. The poor child is already experiencing his violent temper.
OP please stop this now, go and speak to your friend and lay it out as clear as you can. Obviously tell her you are there for her and continue to be, but you can't stand by and see an innocent child treated like this. If your friend can't see him for what he is, thats her problem, not her dds

Have just thought, is she scared of him, of telling him to leave. Do you know that he hasn't been violent towards her, or even controlled her so she has no courage to be on her own.

What a horrible situation, i just can't understand any mother putting a Dp before their own DDs well-being which is ultumatley what she is doing if he speaks so negatively to her. YANBU, friend or not she needs to start putting her DD first.

As someonelse said if word gets back to the Ex, he may have a damn good reAson to object to his child being with her and the Dp not 'officially' being on the documents might come back to bite her in the arse if benefits are involved and ex feels vengeful.

If this situation were reversed would she be happy with exes new Dp if they were treating DD the same? I imagine people on here would be raving

Nope YANBU. I honestly could shake women like this! The worse thing is many moons ago i was once in a relationship like this my self when i was very young. Unfortunatly there is not a lot you can do...i was given advice but didnt listen, ended up with no friends just, wank face! After one christmas where the tree was ripped down and prezzies broke, enough was enough. There was a lot of violence too (just to me) but untill that point i never walked. I put my DD in a taxi wrapped up in a quilt and went to DM 40 miles away and never looked back.

I think you would get better advice on the relationship thread on what to do.

I still feel ashamed that I left it so long (about 3 1/3 years).